


A Story Worth Telling

by RJW



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M, Religious Fanaticism, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2020-12-07 18:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 81,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20980238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RJW/pseuds/RJW
Summary: This is a story about me, my friends, and a mysterious boy that moved to our town a while ago. It has to do with basketball, dinosaurs, muffins, and really deep feelings. But I must not get ahead of myself. If you want to know the story, just read it :-).





	1. Preface

There’s a story I want to tell you.

“Is it worth reading?”, you might ask. Well, that’s just something you’ll have to find out. It’s _my_ story. My opinion doesn’t really matter, but _I_ think the story is great. But then again, I know how it ends. I’m not going to spoil it, don’t be afraid about that. I can only tell you it’s a story worth to be told. Okay, you know what? Let’s spoil it a bit anyway. It contains some drama. But how could it not? Have you ever read a good story that didn’t contain any drama? I thought so.

So…, it’s all about your opinion. If you think the story is worth reading, just keep reading. It’s as simple as that. If you’re bored at some point, just put it away and forget about all this. It’s your loss… 

It’s worth mentioning I decided to write this story down because of a creative writing course I attend. The instructor told us to write a story that comes from the heart. I strongly feel about this story, and it is something I want to share with you. It’s really personal, and I’m not afraid to share some of my deepest feelings, insecurities and failures with you. Because of this, I decided to write a story in one go. I just go with the flow, and put the words down as they come to me. If you at some point think I’m messy in my style of storytelling, well…, that’s just how it’s going to be I’m afraid.

At this point, you might think I’m a confident writer. I can assure you that you’re wrong. I’m very doubtful about my writing skills. Mind you, not about the story itself, that’s great, I think I already mentioned that. But how do you put it on paper? How to gain the interest of a group of readers? And how to keep it interesting? I guess it has something to do with cliffhangers, and making the story relatable and believable. I hope that, at some point in the story, you recognize something of yourself in me. Maybe the story will help you, or support you in a confusing period of your life. Maybe you can just laugh and cry about it and enjoy it. Either way, I’m happy that you’re reading it (are you still there?).

Maybe this is the moment where I tell you what the story is all about. Easy, it’s about me, and my struggles as a 15-year-old teenager. It’s a “coming-of-age-story”, as they put it so nicely. There so many of those stories you can read. Why waist your time on this one? Well, because it’s interesting. When I was born, I was already provided with a couple of setbacks in life. It has something to do with biology, and the nature of things. My brain is like it is. There’s little I can change about that.

First of all, my interests don’t seem to correspond to the ones of the majority of my peers. Do you know anybody who has a favorite dinosaur? No? Now you do. It’s the pterodactylus by the way. Can you imagine me nervously rambling about a flying dinosaur to a 16-year-old basketball player? Do you already feel the awkwardness? It may or may not happen in this story (spoiler alert, it totally does happen…). Other interests include stargazing, European history, novel reading and some other really not-cool activities.

Second, I’m clumsy. No, but really uncoordinated. I trip over my own legs on a daily base. Just last week I fell on the floor holding a full tray of lunch-goodies. Lucky me, it was in the middle of the school canteen, and everybody was watching how my sandwich, juice and muffin were spilling on the floor. O, remember the muffin. I love muffins, especially chocolate chip muffins. It’s just another of my adorable quirks. My love of muffins might be of importance in this story. Or not… (yeah it will be…). You can imagine PE is not my favorite course, to say the least.

Third, I’m Jewish. O, that can’t really be third, it’s not really a brain thing. More an upbringing thing. We were talking brain things. This has something to do with the time and place in which you were born. I’d probably be Catholic if I were born in Brazil, Muslim if I were born in Iran, or I would be worshipping some kind of tree god if I would have been born in some remote village in the middle of the rainforest in central Africa. I’m not really a religious person anyway. I do like some of the rituals that come with a religious family. My grandmother died a while ago, and in Jewish culture that means you’re sitting Shiva. I won’t dwell on the specifics, but it’s a nice ritual that contains the exchange of stories and lots of food. However, I can assure you it’s not always an advantage to be Jewish. It really doesn’t bother me when someone calls me out for being a Jew. But it’s a fact that sometimes, people treat you differently just because of it. And that’s stupid, it just is.

Fourth (let’s just keep on counting), I’m gay. That _is_ a brain thing. If you’re one of those people that’s convinced being gay is a choice, or can be cured…, boy you‘re in the wrong story (feel free to drop out of this story now, bye bye!). Like I would choose to be a dinosaur-loving, clumsy, Jewish gay teenager. Not that I would want to change it, certainly not! But let’s just say it’s not the easiest path of life possible. Lucky for me, I was born in a somewhat civilized country in this era (although sometimes I wonder…). However, stay positive and count your blessings, I would say. At the moment, I feel free to love whoever I want. Well…, in theory that is. There wouldn’t be much of a story to tell if I thought it would be easy to tell some random guy I like him and I want to kiss him. But let’s not get ahead of myself. Are you getting curious yet?

Fifth, and again, not a brain thing, I have four parents. My mother and father divorced a couple of years ago and both of them remarried. I’m not traumatized by that, I think… Moreover, all four of them are psychiatrists. Now _that_ can be annoying. I’m a terrible liar anyway, and with four overanalyzing parents it’s nearly impossible to hide something about myself. We talk about everything, but literally everything. Also about the things you really don’t want to talk about to your parents at my age. I’m sure you can think of some things.

Well? How did I manage up until now? Did I already gained your interest? Found something relatable? You readers can’t all be sports-loving straight dime-in-a-dozen people. That’s boring anyway. No stories to tell about that. The stories I like are the ones I can relate to in a way. Ever watched _The Fosters_? I used to be addicted to the Jude and Connor storyline (boy, did the producers mess that up…, I could still rant about the stupid ending for hours, but let’s not do that here). Like Jude, I don’t really like using labels. Sure, I just told you that I’m Jewish and gay. But those things are just a part of my personality. It doesn’t give anyone the right to confine me to those labels. It doesn’t make me worth more or less than any other person, gay, straight, trans, man, woman, white, black etcetera. I value everyone the same (I try to at least, I have my flaws…), regardless of any labels that we tend to stick on people.

Sometimes I have to stop myself from rambling. I hope I didn’t scare you off. Maybe it’s time to start with the story. It’s why you’re still here, aren’t you? I can tell you this: it’s a love story. Of course, it’s not a regular one. Does it have a happy ending? Who knows (me!)? The best stories sometimes end in tragedy. To start, I think it’s best I first tell you about my best friend. Correction, my _male_ best friend, Jonah. He’s a sweetheart. He will play an important roll in the story to come. I think it’s best I introduce him in a prologue. Well…, I messed it up already, haven’t I? The second chapter of this story will be a prologue…, this rambling part being the first one. I already scored some penalty points for the technical part of writing. Who writes a prologue to a story and makes it the second chapter? Let’s call this first chapter the Preface, then we can call the second chapter the Prologue and then the third chapter will be the first chapter of the story. Good god…, it’s a miracle if you’re still with me at this point.

O well… here it goes.

My name is Cyrus Goodman, and this is my story:


	2. Prologue

Jonah Beck was my first crush. He’s a handsome, cute boy with a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes. Wherever he goes, he always gets the attention from all the girls, and occasionally some boys (me included at some point in time). He’s intelligent, thoughtful, well spoken, and really less oblivious than people tend to think. I’m convinced it’s just some kind of role-playing he does, when he looks up in surprise, feigning ignorance for some kind of situation. He’s really very observant, as I have experienced. Jonah is also hopelessly heterosexual. How do I know that? Because it’s very obvious, and he’s really honest about his feelings. He’s really relaxed with me being gay, and totally not afraid what people think of him when he’s with me. One time, he even agreed to go with dance class with me as my partner, totally laughing about the whispers from people around us when we were dancing in each other’s arms. He doesn’t care if people think he’s not straight, just because he really _is_ straight. Think about it, people who act awkward around gay people are more likely the ones that have something to hide, or are afraid of their own feelings. And that’s not Jonah at all. He shares his feelings in the open, and whenever they’re romantic ones, they’re about girls he has his eyes on.

When I used to crush on Jonah, at first, I was just too young to acknowledge it. I didn’t recognize my feelings for what they were. Only when he got to be Andi’s boyfriend, and Buffy asked me if I was happy for them, there was no other option than to admit my feelings for the boy. No, I wasn’t happy for them. There was some hidden part in my brain that really wanted Jonah to be _my_ boyfriend. And now this hidden part revealed itself to me, like some monster coming out of my closet. I wanted his attention instead of him focusing on Andi. That was the exact moment in my life I realized I was gay. The timing couldn’t be any worse, as I just got myself a girlfriend. Ironic, isn’t it? Of course, Jonah was totally unobtainable, much to my grief. On the other hand, I turned out to be unobtainable to my girlfriend, the poor girl. Luckily, that relationship ended shortly after that.

Andi and Buffy are also my best friends, apart from Jonah of course. They’re always supportive to me. Maybe a bit too supportive, as they sometimes try to control my life for me. Their intentions are always good however, but they can get a bit too intense sometimes. Jonah’s far more relaxed, a great listener, and always comes up with good advice.

My relationship with Jonah is great at the moment. He truly is my best friend, and there are no awkward feelings between us anymore. To be honest, I think it was only me that harbored the awkward feelings. He’s just so incredibly relaxed as a person, that he didn’t even blink with his eyes when I told him I was crushing on him. Maybe it would have been a lot easier for me if he just turned out to be disgusted by my crush. It would have made moving on a lot less difficult. The day I confessed my crush on him, we were walking in the park. I had felt nervous that whole day up until that moment. I had promised myself I would tell him that exact day, and at that moment, there was still a small spark of hope in my head that he would return my feelings. In hindsight, I was very delusional, but everything is always much clearer in hindsight. When I told him I didn’t dare look him in the eyes. He then hugged me fiercely making my heart flip, and said: “O Cyrus, I’m so sorry for you I can’t return your feelings. But I’m so proud of you for being honest”.

The following days only were awkward because I was a bit of a mess and I tried to avoid him. On the third day he ambushed me and nearly had to tackle me to the ground to get to talk to me. It was the only moment in my life I can remember him being mad at me and raising his voice.

“Cyrus Goodman! You’re not running away from me this time! You’re going with me. We’re going for a walk and we’re going to talk!”

There was no way I was going to resist him, so I sighed and followed him to the park. The walk over there was silent and filled with tension. I tried walking a bit behind him instead of next to him, but he just was not having it. He just slowed down until I was beside him again. “This is only going to take longer this way, Cyrus.”  
I didn’t answer him but just sped up my walking until we arrived at the park.

“Cyrus, please sit down with me on the grass.”

As I sat down, he positioned himself in front of me. “And now please look at me.”

I already felt the tears welling up. I had to force myself to raise my head and meet his gaze. I was afraid of what I would find in his eyes. Jonah just stayed silent until I finally was able to look him in the eyes. To my surprise, there was no anger in his eyes. I could see concern and love. I immediately felt more at ease. It was the moment I relaxed a bit and at least my body realized everything would turn out to be okay.

“Cyrus, you are my best friend. You need to know that.”

Those were the words I needed to hear the most. He was not disgusted by me. He still wanted me to be his best friend.

“I can’t control my feelings, and neither can you”, he continued. “The only thing that changed in my feelings towards you is that I’m even more proud for being your friend than I already was. You’re so incredibly brave for being yourself, and not hiding who you are. You have to know I love you as a friend. And only as a friend. It’s important I make that very clear, because you need to move on. But that friendly love is fierce, and I know it will always be there. I want you in my life, and I want you to be happy. I’m not going to being to able to return your feelings so I hope you will be able to move on. But know this, I will always be there for you if you need a friend.”

I was speechless by his incredibly loving words. Never in my life had anyone said something that nice to me. I felt touched and loved. I leaned forward and gave him an awkward hug, in our sitting positions.

“Thank you so much Jonah. I’ll try my best to move on. I love you too. As a friend, I mean”. I was blushing during those last words. There was a lot of work to do in my head before I was able to move on, I realized. But at least I didn’t loose his friendship. Jonah laughed back at me. “Good. Now come on, I’ll buy you a milkshake.”

It took me a couple of weeks to get rid of all my sad feelings. I didn’t always help that Jonah was by my side a lot of the time, just being him. But as I mentioned earlier, the day arrived when all the awkward feelings were gone. One day I realized my crush on Jonah was completely gone. I felt so relieved, the moment I saw him in front of the school, I ran to him and gave him a big hug.

“Well hello to you too Cy-Guy. What’s the happy occasion?”

“I don’t have a crush on you anymore!”, I said to him cheerfully. It really was strange moment to celebrate, but I felt so relieved and light at that moment.

“You just broke my heart Cyrus, we could have made a great couple” he said, but smiling at me anyway.

“If you were to be gay”, I added to his statement, rolling my eyes.

“Details darling, details!” he sighed dramatically, putting the back of his hand on his forehead. “But yes, that could have caused some minor problems in our relationship.”

We grinned widely at each other, and as we entered the school, he said:  
“Now, let’s find you a new crush. What are your preferences?”  
I groaned. “O please, give me a break. I’m happy and crush-free, and I intend to keep it that way.”

It turned out it took me only a couple of months to break this crush-free state of mind…


	3. Genesis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Genesis:  
_"the origin of something, when it is begun or starts to exist"_

I was hurrying down the corridors. I still had to put my books away in my locker and get to the gym in time. Buffy would never forgive me if I didn’t show up in time for her basketball match against The Raptors. Buffy was a fierce girl, and she had managed to get herself into the school’s basketball team, although she was the only girl among boys. I was very proud of her for breaking that barrier, and to be honest, she was the team’s star player. I’m biased of course, and I know little of sports, but she was scoring a lot of points and that seemed to be really important. As her best friends, Andi, Jonah and I made sure we attended her games to cheer her on. Now I was running late because I lost track of time studying in the library for my history test the next day.

I entered the gym panting, and only just in time. Both teams were already on the field, doing the last preparations for the game. I spotted my friends sitting on the front row of the bleachers. Andi was too busy talking to a girl next to her to notice me, but Jonah waved and smiled at me, patting on the bench right next to him. “I saved you a spot, Cy-Guy! Were you busy studying again?”

I scoffed. “You should try it yourself sometimes. You know, improve your grades?”

“Nothing wrong with a C, that’s more than sufficient. The C is a great letter, you know. Even your name starts with one.” Jonah said smiling.

“Lucky for you the grades don’t go lower than F”, I replied. “Don’t blame me for wanting to get good grades.”

“Remind me of your grade in PE?”, Jonah said smirking.

I just glared back at him. “I hate you.”

“Nah, you love me. I’m adorable.”

A couple of months ago, such a statement coming from Jonah would have made my heart speed up uncontrollably. I really felt relieved being crush-free at the moment, and being able to just laugh and roll my eyes at him, without any awkward bodily functions to harass me.

After I sat down, I scanned the playing field for Buffy. I spotted her in the center of her team, surrounded by her teammates, while they were discussing tactics, or something of that kind, I presume. As far as I know, you just have to throw the ball through the basket to score points, but apparently there’s a whole lot to discuss about how to do that precisely. Among all the familiar faces, there was one new one. I couldn’t remember seeing this boy before. He was tall, had dirty blond hair, and had a determined look on his face. I was puzzled. It was pretty unusual having a new student at school. 

“Who is that? Do we know him?”, I asked Jonah, pointing at the boy.

“Who? The tall one? I heard Buffy saying they had a new player. I’ve never seen him around before”, Jonah replied. “By the looks of it he’s already giving out orders, I’m not sure if Buffy is thrilled about that.”

I returned my attention to the playing field, examining the new player. He sure did a lot of talking and pointing, and indeed, by the looks of it, Buffy wasn’t really pleased. I could only hope it wouldn’t affect her playing skills. If we were to loose, you could count on her being in a foul mood for at least two days.

Well…, as it turned out during the game…, I rapidly realized I had to prepare myself for said Buffy’s foul mood. Not only was our team behind in points, but furthermore, the complete lack of chemistry between Buffy and the new player became painfully obvious. More than once, the team lost a possibility to gain points because the two of them just ignored each other while being free to score, resulting in losing the ball to the other team. You didn’t have to be an expert in basketball to acknowledge that these weren’t great tactics.

“O dear” Jonah said to me, “I’m not sure if I want to go to The Spoon after this game.”

You see, usually after a game, Jonah, Andi and me would go to The Spoon, our local diner, to order shakes and baby taters, and wait for Buffy to meet up with us there. When a game was lost, she really was considerately less fun to be around in comparison to a winning game. She was competitive after all.

I hummed in agreement. “But you know we will go anyway. Because we are supportive friends.”

Jonah groaned, and leaned back in silence, a contemplative look on his face. After a couple of moments he asked: “What do you make of him, Cyrus?”

“Sorry, what?” I asked in confusion.

“The new kid. What do you think of him?”

“O…, I don’t know. At first sight, he seems to be very confident. Maybe dominant and arrogant even. But that’s most likely a result of a lot of insecurities, I guess. Never judge a book by its cover. You can’t have a real opinion about him already, just based on looking at him during this game.”

Jonah smiled at me. “You know you’re unique like that, Cyrus? I think everyone else already made a judgment.”

I blushed at the compliment. “Well…, I do have four shrinks as parents…”

“Rubbish, it’s just your personality. You’re admirable.”

I laughed at that remark. “Really Jonah? _Admirable_?”

“Yes Cyrus, _admirable_. Learn to take a compliment. Hey! I found a flaw in your personality!”

“Well, there are loads more. But thanks.”

I was glowing from Jonah’s kind words. There was truth in his words. I always try to never make assumptions on people. You never know people’s motivations to act how they act. Until you know someone’s backstory and personality, you have to be careful not to have too much preconceptions about someone, as hard as it is.

That being said, my eyes kept being drawn to the tall blond boy. Something about him intrigued me. You couldn’t deny he was objectively attractive, although it was a completely different kind of attractiveness than Jonah. The tall unknown boy had an incredibly strong cool vibe around him, and he looked mysteriously inscrutable. Jonah had a boyish beauty, with beautiful eyes, smooth skin and white teeth, but the mysterious boy was of a whole other level. There was nothing boyish about him, in the way he radiated authority on the field. He seemed to be in control, and he was incredibly focused on the game looking very self-confident. It was a more masculine, but also a more layered way of being attractive.

Then, suddenly, there was this life changing moment. At that moment I didn’t know that yet of course, but I can tell you now that I define my life as in the period before, and the period after that moment. Mystery-boy crossed the field dribbling very close to the side where we were sitting, trying to get himself in a good position for a shot. As he turned to orientate himself, his eyes suddenly fell on me, looking straight into mine. At that precise moment time stopped. We locked on to each other, gazing into each other’s eyes. I felt my heart stop, my breathing hitching, and I could for the life of it not tear my eyes away from him. I completely zoned out and could only focus on his green eyes, with some beautiful brown specks in it. Normally, I’m pretty good in reading emotions in someone’s expression, but I remember his look being overloaded with an abundance of emotions and I couldn’t figure out what it exactly was that I saw. Among it there were surprise, determination, anger, kindness and confusion. It was if I was looking deep into his soul. One thing was for sure. As much I was focusing on him, not being able to do anything else, he was having about the same experience, as he kept looking back at me into my eyes. I really cannot tell you how much time passed in that moment, but it was broken when there was a yell, the ball flew from his hands, and suddenly he was lying on the ground after which the referee whistled for a foul. Mystery-boy got back on his feet yelling a couple of angry words at a player from the other team who apparently pushed him over. While he walked back to the center on the field, he looked back one more time to find me in the crowd. This time I could read his emotion clearly. It was fear. In complete confusion I leaned back trying to comprehend the situation.

What the hell did just happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes. English is not my native language, but I'll do my best :-).


	4. Mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mystery:  
_"something strange or not known that has not yet been explained or understood"_

“What the hell did just happen?”

Those were the exact words I was thinking, but it took me a couple of moments to realize they were spoken by Jonah, who was looking at me with wide and frowning eyes. I truly didn’t know what to say back. What _did_ happen? It wasn’t my imagination, Jonah had observed it happening, so much was clear.

“Cyrus?” Jonah insisted.

“I…, I don’t know” I answered truthfully.

“You said you didn’t know him.”

“I don’t! I really don’t!”

“Than why was he looking at you like that? It was almost as if he saw a ghost.”

“Geez, thanks Jonah. I know I have a pale complexion.”

“You know I don’t mean it like that. I’m just confused.”

“You should take a walk through my head.” I responded.

“But you’re one-hundred percent positive you have never met before?”

“Look Jonah, I’m telling the truth. We have never met before. I’m sure I would have remembered it if had seen him before.” I insisted, but also felt my cheeks starting to glow. Why were they starting to glow?

Jonah grinned knowingly. “I’m sure you would. Is he your type by any chance?”

I turned my attention back to the playing field, where the game had went on in the meantime. I noticed that mystery-boy was now glued to the other side of the field, not deviating more than necessary from the sideline, and certainly not looking anywhere near our seats.

“Well… You can’t deny he’s good-looking.” I answered his question truthfully, following mystery-boy with my eyes.

Jonah gasped. “Cyrus! How can you even say that? He doesn’t look a bit like me!” he exclaimed dramatically.

Luckily, that made me laugh out loud, and diffused the tension. I looked at my friend fondly. “I know Jonah. Don’t worry, he’s no competition.”

“Good!” said Jonah grinning. “Still, you never know, he might be into pale looking boys.”

I rolled my eyes at that. “Sure Jonah. No I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Well, what are the odds of a basketball-player being into boys, let alone in me.”

Jonah gawked at me. “Okay. Wow. That’s something coming from you. You just contradicted yourself. What happened to ‘Never judge a book by its cover’? And secondly, you should give yourself more credit. You’re a catch Cyrus. Every basketball-player should be happy to have you.”

I was blushing from his words, looking at my shoes. He was right of course. About the prejudice part at least. I was not so sure about the being-a-catch-part.

About half an hour later, while we were sitting in The Spoon, waiting for Buffy, I finally had some time for myself to collect my thoughts. Jonah and Andi were talking animatedly to each other about who-knows-what. As expected, we had lost the game. Not by just a couple of points, but by a massive difference of 15 points. I couldn’t remember a loss that big before. I wasn’t hard to predict the mood that Buffy would be in right now. Moreover, I could already guess who she was going to blame for it. So there was no way I was going to retrieve some information about the new boy from her in any subtle way. To be more precise: she was most definitely not going to be subtle about him, and if I were to display any kind of curiosity about him, she would do everything in her power to convince me to stay away from him. And that realization already bothered me more than I was able to understand. I wanted to know more about him. Where did he come from? Why had he moved here? Why had he acted the way he did on the field? Why did he look at me like that? And why was there fear in his eyes the second time he looked at me? His beautiful green eyes, with those tiny brown specks… I groaned internally. This was just ridiculous. Why was my brain messing with me like this?

I almost jumped out my seat from the noise with which Buffy chose to enter the restaurant.

“What an unbelievable arrogant _ass_! I’ve never met such a stupid half-brained _git_ before!” Buffy yelled while she slammed the door shut, causing most of the restaurant to send her looks of disapproval.

Okay, her mood was even worse than I had predicted, and more important, emotionally anticipated… As she crashed violently into the seat next to me, she raised her hands dramatically.

“That’s it! Basketball is ruined for me! I am not going to play anymore while _he_ is on the team!”

“Who do you mean?” asked Jonah, with his characteristic innocent expression.

I chuckled softly. Typical Jonah. He knew exactly who. He was playing his part again. I carefully looked at Buffy whether she heard me, but she was to pre-occupied gawking at Jonah.

“You’re unbelievable Jonah. My god, did you even _watch_ the game? How can you be _so_ oblivious sometimes. Did you not see the new guy in our team? That incredible _jerk_?”

“Oooh, him. What’s his name?” Jonah replied.

“His name is TJ Kippen. Or as I already decided, ‘Toxic TJ’ from now on.” Buffy spat.

“Hm, do you know where he’s from? When did he move here?” Jonah asked. As I watched Jonah he gave me the tiniest of winks.

O god, I now knew what he was doing. He was trying to get some information about him for me. He knew it could have been suspicious if I had asked the questions. Buffy would be infuriated if she ever had an inkling of my unhealthy interests in him.

“Do you think we were having a tea party? Jeez Jonah. We were having a game. That we lost! Because of that ass!”

“O come on, I’m just curious. He should have told you something.” Jonah said.

Buffy sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose. “He told us his name is TJ, he moved here two weeks ago with his mom and dad. He’s an only child, and he’s from Texas. That’s it. That’s all I know. It’s more than I’m interested in. As far as I’m concerned he moves back as soon as possible.”

“Thanks Buffy.” Jonah said smiling.

“You’re welcome. _Jonah_.” Buffy examined him with a look of suspicion on her face. “Why do you care anyway?”

“Nothing wrong with showing some interest in a new student. Maybe he just feels alone and he had a bad way of showing it. Everyone deserves a chance.” Jonah shrugged.

“Now you sound just like Cyrus.” she replied, annoyance visible on her face.

“Hey!” I said, “What’s wrong with sounding like me? And yes, everyone deserves a chance.”

Buffy studied Jonah and me for a moment. “You know what?” she said, putting her hands down on the table and getting up from her seat. “I’m really not in the mood for a therapeutic session with dr. Beck and dr. Goodman. I’m going home, kicking some lampposts along the way. Come on Andi, let’s go!”

Andi, having managed to refrain herself from participating in the conversation until now, looked up in shock. “But I haven’t even touched the…”

“Let’s go!” Buffy repeated herself looking at her. She then snatched my milkshake from under my nose, and walked to the door. Andi quickly put all her stuff in her bag, and got up hurriedly. “Sorry”, she said apologetically, looking rather unhappy. “I think I better follow her.”

Buffy turned around one more time. “O, and there’s one more thing I know about him.”

“What’s that?” Jonah asked.

“That he’s a _jerk_! And an _ass_! And, uh…, a _moron_!

“Those were three more things actually.” I corrected her.

Buffy looked at me with a death-glare, before she turned around and exited through the door, closely followed by Andi. Behind them, the door slammed shut with a loud noise again, causing looks of disapproval for the second time.

“Nice talking to you too!” I said sarcastically to the door. I love Buffy to bits, but when she’s in one of her moods, even I cannot be patient enough sometimes. I felt guilty however, for not being supportive enough.

Jonah chuckled, sensing my uneasiness. “She’s so dramatic. Don’t worry, she will come round. It’s just a game anyway.”

“Just a game?” I asked with an amused smile. “Can I be there when you say that to her face?”

“I don’t have a death wish, thank you very much.” Jonah laughed. “Here, you can have half my milkshake.”

And at that moment, I felt relieved having Jonah next to me, being so supportive. I wasn’t sure what was to come in the future, but at least I knew I had him to cover my back whenever needed.

That night, when I lay in my bed, my mind was still occupied by that one mysterious moment during the game. It was imprinted in my brain. I could even still see his green eyes, and count the brown specks in it. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. How was I to define this moment? I was too much grounded to believe in soulmates and that kind of stuff. But how was it possible I just knew that I wanted that boy to be a part of my life? Was it love at first sight? I truly didn’t know. I had never really loved someone romantically. Sure, I had had a crush on Jonah, but that couldn’t have been labeled as love. I drove myself crazy thinking about it all. It wasn’t to be explained rationally. I knew almost nothing about him. _TJ_ was his name. He moved from Texas, he was an only child, and he was a confident looking basketball player. O, and I knew the color of his eyes. Beautiful green eyes with brown specks… Sorry, I think I mentioned that already… But all in all, that’s really not a trustworthy base to build a friendship, crush or even relationship on. And still, there was this nagging feeling that there was a whole story to tell about this boy. The way he had looked at me convinced me it was worth the effort to delve deeper into the boy’s background.

But boy, was I in for a rocky road…


	5. Interlude 1

Amazing! You’ve made it to chapter 5, that is chapter 3 of the story! And this isn’t even a real chapter… I’m sorry I keep messing this up guys. I’m honestly impressed you’ve made it this far. However, storywise, it seemed important to share some of the chats on my phone with you. This is one from the night after the game. Apparently, Jonah did some research already. He really cares about me, and I guess he knows me better than I know myself sometimes… Not that I need taking care of of course. I’m more than capable of stepping into my own pitfalls…

Here it is:

\--  
**Jonah**  
Cy-Guy, you awake?

**Cyrus**  
Yep! 

**Jonah**  
I couldn’t resist looking for some more information about that TJ

**Cyrus**  
??  
Why?

**Jonah**  
Because I felt like following your advice about a book and its cover  
Y have to admit he sort of behaved like a ass to Buffy during the game

**Cyrus**  
So I have been informed by Buffy…

**Jonah**  
:-)  
But I also saw him looking at you  
So I wanted to give him a chance  
And you said he’s completely your type and you’re madly in love

**Cyrus**  
Jonah!! I didn’t say anything like that!

**Jonah**  
:-D  
Just messing w y  
But I want to be sure y r not missing out on something  
So I asked a couple of friends from ultimate frisbee about him  
And guess what?

**Cyrus**  
?

**Jonah**  
The guy has already been attending classes for the last three days  
He shares at least English, Math and History classes with us

**Cyrus**  
What???  
We’ve been in the same room as him the last few days you mean??

**Jonah**  
Yep. Weird huh? Yr guy sure knows how to be invisible.

**Cyrus**  
You sure? Hard to believe…

**Jonah**  
Yeah, I’m sure. Nick told me. He knows because Kevin told him that Mike said he heard that Lester talked about him. Apparently Lester thinks he’s kind of cool.

**Cyrus**  
…  
I don’t know any of those people…

**Jonah**  
Y know Lester, he’s on the basketball team. Dark hair, drives to school on a motorbike.  
Not the brightest of people btw  
Never mind…  
However  
Jonathan (also frisbee) tried talking to him, trying to be nice. Said he wasn’t very friendly, more cold and rigid

**Cyrus**  
O  
Maybe he’s insecure

**Jonah**  
Yeah I know y think like that  
But maybe he is just an ass…  
Tbh, I’m not so sure anymore about trying to befriend him

**Cyrus**  
I never said I am going to try to befriend him…

**Jonah**  
True  
But I know you want to

**Cyrus**  
I will just start with being friendly, and welcoming to a new student  
Especially when we’re sharing classes

**Jonah**  
Sure you will…  
One more thing  
I’ve tried looking for him on social  
Couldn’t find anything.  
No insta, tumblr, facebook, nothing on google  
Seems strange

**Cyrus**  
We don’t even know his full name  
He’s probably using another name

**Jonah**  
Maybe  
Anyway  
That’s all I could find out

**Cyrus**  
Thanks detective

**Jonah**  
When you see him tomorrow, don’t try to jump him right away

**Cyrus**  
Jonaaaaah!

**Jonah**  
LOL  
Sorry  
:-)  
Good night Cy, sweet dreams…

**Cyrus**  
Hmpf…  
Good night J  
LY anyway

**Jonah**  
LY2!

\--

Yeah…, it’s uncanny sometimes how well Jonah knows me. What’s sweet is that he’s caring and protective, but never _over_protective (like Buffy and Andi sometimes are). In the end he always respects my own decisions and supports me. Some think I’m very naïve. Well, maybe I am. But I’m not stupid. I had indeed already promised myself I would try talking to him the next day. Just to be nice. Or maybe see his eyes again. But probably make a fool of myself, being awkward… What bad thing could happen, apart from looking like myself?

Wouldn’t you be friendly and welcoming to a new student in your class? Imagine yourself being completely lost and surrounded only by people you don’t know. How would you react or behave? How nice would it be if there would be someone coming up to you, trying to make you feel at home? I really can’t find harm in being friendly as a starting point.

And those beautiful green eyes are a nice bonus…


	6. Bashert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bashert:  
_“(Yiddish) In Jewish culture a word that means "destiny", often used in the context of one's divinely predestined spouse or soulmate. It can also be used to express the seeming destiny of an important event, friendship, or happening.”_

The phrase is: “There’s more to someone than meets the eye.” That’s quite ironic in this case. It was the meeting of the eyes that convinced me there was more to TJ than just an arrogant jerk. For this new day, being nice and welcoming to TJ was the plan. It shouldn’t be a problem. Just talk to him and make him feel welcome. And if he really turns out to be just a jerk, then smile, shrug, and walk away, with your dignity intact. How hard could it be?

Yeah…, you guessed it right…

To begin with, he was nowhere to be seen; not in front of the school, not by the lockers, not in the canteen, and finally, not in front of the classroom, waiting for our first lesson to start. I was so preoccupied looking for him Jonah just gave up trying to start a conversation with me. But at some point, even he got fed up with me, and poked me in my side.

“Cy, stop this. You’re obsessed already. If you keep behaving like a lunatic Buffy will catch on and I will _not_, I repeat will _not_, explain to her who you are looking for. I am very oblivious, as you know.”

“Sorry”, I muttered. “I just don’t understand. Maybe your friends had it wrong and he isn’t in our classes after all.”

Jonah mumbled something incomprehensible, and pushed me into the classroom, to our regular seats in the front of the classroom. The English lesson was only two minutes underway when Jonah gave me a gentle nudge. 

“How about that”, he whispered, “Have a look behind you to your left”.

I turned my head to the left and gasped. There he was, in the back of the classroom, leaning backwards on his chair and staring absentmindedly in front of him. On his desk were a notebook and pen, and next to it, on the ground, his backpack.

“When did he come in?” I whispered to Jonah, completely baffled.

“I presume at the last moment, Sherlock”, Jonah chuckled

“Yeah, but why didn’t anyone introduce him as a new student?”

“No idea”, Jonah shrugged.

“Misters Beck and Goodman, do you have anything to share with the rest of the classroom?”, the teacher interrupted us.

My head went bright red in an instant (yes, I’m not someone known for rule breaking in school, even not for talking during classes). “No, sorry”, I mumbled to the table. I heard a chuckle coming from Jonah, who seemed to enjoy my awkwardness. I just glared at him and decided to postpone any discussion until after class. The teacher eyed us with suspicion, but fortunately, finally decided to continue the lesson without further repercussions.

During the lesson, once in a while I glanced in TJ’s direction (of course first assuring myself that the teacher wasn’t paying any attention to me). And each time I looked at TJ, he was sitting in the same exact position, and staring in the same direction. It looked like he wanted to draw as little attention to himself as possible. His expression was one of complete indifference. He didn’t look happy, sad or annoyed, he just expressed… nothing really. And at the end of the lesson, when I had packed all my stuff in my bag, to my complete astonishment, he had already left the classroom, and was again nowhere to be seen.

The whole story repeated itself during our History class, later that day. He entered at the last moment, and was the first one to leave, making it completely impossible to talk to him. It was during lunch break, that I saw him interacting with other people for the first time that day. It really was not so much interacting, more a couple of guys from the basketball team (one of which I presumed had to be Lester) talking to him, and he very sparingly said something back. I recognized his determined and arrogant look from the game. It didn’t seem to scare the other boys away, however. There was even one girl at his table, trying to get his attention. She wasn’t very successful, I observed.

There was no way I was in a position to talk to him during that lunch break. For one, him being surrounded by other people didn’t seem to be the best basis for a nice and welcoming talk coming from me, being the resident clumsy gay nerd. Secondly, there was Buffy… Although her mood wasn’t as bad as the day before, there still was some tension noticeable between us. I tried bringing basketball into the conversation during lunch, but I immediately noticed that yesterday’s loss was still an open wound. I didn't think she would have been very happy if I had excused myself for wanting to start a friendly conversation with her newly gained enemy.

So, in summary, my plan to be nice and helpful to a fellow student, and start a conversation with the owner of the most beautiful eyes I knew, completely fell to pieces. At the end of lessons, I knew nothing more about him than at the start. The only thing I learned was that he was very skilled in sneaking around, and very closed off to other people. It seemed that the arrogant attitude was like some kind of a safe guard to keep other people at distance. I didn’t make him less intriguing, that I have to say. It did make it more frustrating, that I wasn’t given an opportunity to discover more about him.

When I walked out of the school’s front door at the end of the day, I felt a bit annoyed about all this. Moreover, there was no one to share my frustrations with. Andi was off to some kind of crafting meeting, Buffy was meeting up with a guy named Marty, and Jonah, at this point the only person who I could talk to about this to begin with, had an Ultimate Frisbee practice. If I hadn’t been preoccupied with my thoughts and annoyance, then maybe I had noticed my right shoelace being untied. And then maybe, I had taken the time to stuff my latest notes and history books into a more efficiently packed backpack, instead of carrying them under my arm.

But yeah, that was not the case…

So inevitably, after only fifty meters down the sidewalk, I tripped in classical Cyrus-style. Notes, books and limbs all went in different directions, and I ended up studying the sidewalk from way too close up.

Naturally, my frustration and annoyance peeked at that exact moment. And that was also the moment I heard a voice coming from right behind me.

“Why are you lying on the ground?”

“Because I’m from the Public Works Department, checking the correct alignment of the pavement” I replied sarcastically.

“Fine. Have it your way. Good luck with it.” the voice replied. In the corner of my eye I saw the person that belonged to the voice taking a step over my books.

“Yeah, just step over me. Don’t help a fellow student. Sure. Thanks!” I said, sounding even more frustrated. Why are people so indifferent to one another? When I crawled up again, getting back on my feet, I caught the other boy staring at me. 

It was him.

“You!” was all I could say. I probably didn’t sound very intelligent there.

Months later, when people asked me about it, I always told them that I consider the first moment we saw each other, during the game, to be love at first sight, all be it in a rather different way. The second time we met, the particular moment I’m describing now, had absolutely nothing to do with love. If the second moment we met had been the first moment…, well, then there hadn’t been a story to tell. I had walked away from him without any hesitation. But, as it happened, we had already met, and I had already taken an unhealthy interest in him. But this time, as he just stood there, watching me and the leftovers of my dignity, he was surrounded by an air of contempt and arrogance. He was slightly taller than me, and he was both literally and figuratively looking down at me.

The strange thing was, instead of walking along, he just kept looking at me, without saying a word. He was standing on the road, wearing his blue jeans and grey hoodie, the hood almost completely covering his styled hair, his backpack over his shoulder. And I stood there on the pavement, surrounded by a scattered collection of my books and papers, probably looking pretty flustered and completely uncool. If he really was feeling indifferently about me, then why did he keep looking? Why was he studying me and didn’t he walk away from me? A tense silence seemed to fill the space between us.

“Do we know each other?” he finally said.

I gawked at him. “Yes! Well…, no! But we saw each other. In the gym, during the game. You have to remember that! I’m Cyrus. You’re TJ right?”

He eyed me with suspicion. “I can’t say I remember you” was his simple reply.

My mind was blown at this point. There was no way he didn’t remember me, that he didn’t remember our moment. I had seen the effect it had on him. Why was he denying he had seen me?

“I sat on the front row, I was there the whole game. Like always by the way.”

“Do you like basketball?” he asked frowning. “You don’t look like a basketball player to me”, he smirked.

Was he trying to offend me? “There is nothing wrong with your eyes, I see. No, I’m not a basketball player. I don’t even really know the rules.”

“Then why are you there?” he asked. For someone trying not to seem interested in me, he sure had a lot of questions…

“I’m there to support Buffy. She’s an amazing player. We’ve been friends for ages. I like to see her play, she’s very good.” It should have been almost impossible, but I saw his expression fall even a bit more when I said those words.

“Okay. Nice talking to you” he said, rather emotionless. “I have to go.” And with those words he turned around.

“She’s not my girlfriend” I hurried to say. I could slap myself there. Way to sound eager…

“Sure doesn’t sound like it” I could hear him say while he walked away from me.

“I’m gay”, I said to his back.

What? Did I really say that? My words came from nowhere. I surprised myself saying it. It was really out of character for me to actively put that label on myself. Never before had I said those words when there wasn’t a very good reason for it. In hindsight, I think I wanted to gauge his reaction. I wanted to provoke him and find out what his real feelings were. TJ froze on the spot. He slowly turned around to face me again.

“Congratulations. I don’t care”, he answered.

What was really fascinating about this boy, was the complete difference between the words he spoke, and the body language he radiated. His words were spoken indifferently, sounding even cold. His face and shoulders were telling a whole different story. I recognized the same fear in his eyes that I saw before, during the game. His mouth showed a very small twitch and his shoulder were tensed up. He tried to convince me he didn’t care I was gay, but I could clearly notice that in fact, it affected him.

“You’re lying”, I said, provoking him even more. God, it was like throwing rocks at a vicious dog. It just couldn’t end well. Whatever had happened to my intention of a ‘friendly and welcoming talk’?

His eyes narrowed at me, his and his whole face tensed up.

“What do you want from me?” he finally said, trying to sound rough.

“I want to figure out who you are”, I said. Again, I was surprising myself saying that. Didn’t he already give me enough reasons to walk away from him?

“Why?”

“Because I think you’re not who you pretend to be. This is some kind of act”, I said pointing at him moving my finger up and down.

“You know nothing about me, gay boy!”

Now the atmosphere was really ruined, as far as it was any good anyway. He sounded angry, and this time, his body language matched the emotion of his words. I felt myself getting incredibly annoyed by him, because there was something really off, and I just can’t handle people who clearly live in an act.

“Are you a homophobe?” I dared to ask, looking him straight in the eyes. If this argument turned out to get physical, I realized I was screwed, but for some reason I just couldn’t control myself. Walking away from the situation would have been the sensible decision. But there I was, putting myself in danger.

“You think I’m a homophobe?” Instead of raising his voice, TJ had lowered it, making him sound even more dangerous. His eyes spat fire as he slowly walked closer to me. “You…think…I’m…a…homophobe?” he repeated himself very slowly.

“For a moment that’s how you sounded to me”

“You know nothing about me, Cyrus.”

“Hey, you know my name! I’m surprised you remember that”

At that moment I realized everything would spin out of control. What the hell was I doing? I noticed him now standing very close to me, but I refused to back down. I was already trying to make up good ways to explain a black eye or a broken jaw to my mother.

Then…, nothing happened for a while. He just stood there, way too close to me. He looked at me, and I withstood his gaze, trying to look as self-assured as I could possibly manage.

“You’re impossible and frustrating”, he finally said after what could have been minutes.

That took me off guard. Those were words I didn’t expect to hear from him. And he didn’t sound angry anymore, more sad.

“So I have been told several times”, I said to his face, keeping my eyes on him, trying keep my confidence.

His eyes kept shooting from left to right, as if he was trying to read my face. He was frowning at me, and I noticed the same twitch in his mouth.

And then, out of nowhere…his lips were on mine. He kissed me on the mouth, and I was completely in shock. I froze up like a wax statue, and was in no way able to make any movement or response. After two seconds he backed up again, and completely panicked. His eyes were wide and his face pale. He turned around and started running away from me to his car. When he opened his door he looked at me one more time. “Stay out of my life!” he yelled at me.

I saw him entering his car, and driving away much too fast for it to be safe on a parking lot. I just stood there rooted on the spot, with wide eyes, a racing heartbeat and a body full of adrenalin.


	7. Dukkha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dukkha:  
_"an important Buddhist concept, commonly translated as "suffering", "pain", "unsatisfactoriness" or "stress”, referring to the fundamental unsatisfactoriness and painfulness of mundane life"_

I bet you didn’t see that one coming… I know I didn’t. You probably expected more of a classic love story. A so called slow-burner perhaps. Something in the line of _“two boys become friends, and along the way find out they have more-than-platonic feelings for each other, but don’t have the courage to tell each other because they are both afraid they’re going to lose the friendship that they have”_… Tell me, in all honesty, am I accurate? Is that what you expected the story to be? Well, as you know by now, my story doesn’t really follow that narrative. I hope you’re not disappointed. Who writes a love story with a kiss between the two intended lovers in one of the first chapters? Shouldn’t a story build up to that moment? Maybe…, but then again, my story really happened this way. I just describe it as all things played out. I can’t change the facts.

So, where were we? O yes. I tripped, he was rude, I was rude, he kissed me, my mind went blank and he panicked. That’s in a nutshell the last chapter. To be honest, I still don’t understand how I prevented myself from going completely haywire. Heck, I still don’t know how I got home after that. I do know that as a result I was missing two pages of my notes about European history, probable left behind somewhere on the streets after the events. Also, I clearly remember my first thoughts:

Holy  
Shit

Well, excuse me…, I had just been kissed. By a boy. With beautiful green eyes. For the first time in my life. I didn’t know how to process that information correctly. What were my options?

The normal thing to do (ha! normal!) would be to call Buffy, and yell enthusiastically about my first kiss with a boy. But yeah…, _no_. Calling Jonah of course, or even Andi came to mind. Something in my mind kept me from doing just that. The circumstances had not been… normal, to say the least. No, at that time it was just me and my brain to keep me company, trying to analyze what had happened. 

So, analyze! He kissed me, then he panicked. He tried to look indifferent towards me, but he clearly (very clearly!) wasn’t. He tried to look al butch and menacing, but again, he clearly wasn’t. What was the matter with this boy? It was all so confusing. If only I could ask some psychiatrist for advise… And I know what you’re thinking here, but hell no…, I was most certainly not going to ask one of my four parents about this, or _I_ would definitely be the one who was going to end up as the object of research. There would be a real chance for me ending up in a straitjacket with electrodes stuck to my skull, examining what the hell was wrong with me.

Okay, that’s maybe a bit too dramatic, even coming from me. However…, I must confess that I was a bit surprised by my own behavior. When I replayed the videotape in my head (and trust me, I did that a lot), I almost didn’t recognize myself. Sure, I could be a bit snarky and sassy from time till time, but this time, my boldness had risen to a whole new level. It wasn’t normal for me to defy jerks or bullies that way. I was (still am) more of a rather-flight-than-fight person. I’m not that brave usually. There could be only one reason why I behaved the way I behaved. My intuition clearly knew already more than my consciousness. TJ couldn’t be a jerk, there was something off, and he would never hurt me. You know how it ended. My intuition had been right.

Needless to say, my brain was working overtime. That evening, and the following day, went by in a daze. I was only able to function at about fifty percent. There isn’t much to tell about that Friday really. Although I knew TJ would do his best again to be invisible at school, I didn’t go looking for him this time. I avoided looking around in class or in the canteen. I needed time to process everything. This of course made especially Jonah worried and suspicious, but I was able to convince everyone I didn’t sleep well, and that I just was tired (you know, the usual lame excuses). I think Jonah didn’t believe me completely, he probably knew something else was going on, but he also knows when not to pry.

I used the being-tired-excuse also for not attending the basketball practice that Friday afternoon. The team would normally come together every Friday and Tuesday for practice. Sometimes, when I didn’t have a lot of homework or other appointments, I would watch the team practicing from the bleachers cheering them on (well…, at least Buffy). And yes, from this you can in fact deduce that Buffy’s threat to, I quote, “never play basketball again while _he_ is on the team”, had been empty. Somewhere inside she’s a real softy, but please don’t tell her that I said that… Or she just loves basketball too much, that also could be true. Anyway, I knew I wasn’t ready yet for a most likely really awkward encounter with a certain boy with beautiful green eyes (with some brown specks in it…).

We can continue the story on Saturday afternoon. Jonah, Buffy, Andi and I had agreed to meet up at The Spoon. The nice thing about real friends is you will always find each other again. Buffy seemed to be her happy self again, and luckily, the four of us had fallen back in our normal dynamics. Of course, somewhere along the conversation, the topic of basketball was brought up.

“You know what’s weird?” Buffy said wile drinking from her milkshake, “Yesterday, during practice, that TJ suddenly treated me almost like a normal human being.”

My brain immediately caught on to this. I already felt my cheeks getting hot, and my gaze went down to the table. Buffy luckily didn’t notice a thing.

“I mean”, she continued, “He passed me the ball, he seemed to listen to what I was saying, and he was not trying to be the boss all the time. Not that he was friendly per se, he still was a bit of a jerk, but it was manageable. And at the end of the practice he even high-fived me, like every other teammate.”

“O, that’s nice”, Andi answered, “Any idea why he changed all of a sudden?”

“I’m not sure”, Buffy said, “I can’t imagine someone from the team telling him off after last game. Other than me of course. Most of those dumbasses think he’s pretty cool anyway. But I also can’t imagine him changing all by himself. Most likely someone spoke with him after the game, asking him to change his behavior.”

“Who would be crazy enough to start a nice conversation with him, after he behaved like that?” Andi asked. It took her only a moment to come to a certain realization, just like Jonah and Buffy. I could feel the three of them staring at me while I examined the table in front of me, feeling my face burning.

“Cyrus, really?” Buffy groaned. “Did you talk to that jerk, and ask him to be nicer to me?”

“Uhm, no? Yes? Well…, uhm…, maybe I talked a little bit too him, the day before yesterday. But I didn’t ask for anything.” I stammered.

Buffy’s faced displayed a mixture of indignance and surprise. “O my god Cyrus, why do you always have to be so nice to everyone? Why to him, of all people? You’ve seen him play, he’s just a jerk.”

“A jerk that’s already treating you better, apparently” I muttered.

Buffy sighed. “You know Cyrus, you really have to be more careful. Not everyone is a nice person. One time you will get hurt.”

“I can take care of myself Buffy.” I said. Deep inside I felt annoyance starting to flare up. “Just give him a chance to change.”

“Well, there’s no good reason reason to start of being a jerk.” Buffy answered. “What did you talk about anyway?”

“O…, uhm…, not much really… We just bumped into each other after school. And…, uhm…, I told him my name and said I saw him playing. And, that’s it… I guess…”

Yeah, there was no way I was going to tell how the conversation in reality went. I’m sure Buffy would be very, very cross if I told here the words we had sad to each other. Not to mention the other thing…

“That’s all?” Buffy asked looking at me with suspicion. “And let me guess, he acted like a an ass to you?”

“No... I wouldn’t say that. He was… okay, I guess.”

“Okay?” Buffy asked with her signature I-don’t-believe-a-thing-you’re-saying-face.

I suddenly felt confident enough to look her in the eyes. “Yes. Okay. Can we drop it now?”

Buffy still looked if she didn’t agree at all, but leaned back in silence, putting a baby tater in her mouth, her gaze still on me. Then I noticed Jonah sitting next to Buffy. He looked rather unhappy gazing at the empty space in front of him.

Later that day, when we all went home our separate ways, Jonah and I walked together the last bit, as our houses were in the same neighborhood. We walked side by side, in an awkward silence. I knew he wasn’t happy I didn’t tell him about TJ.

“I’m sorry Jonah”, I eventually said softly.

Jonah looked up at me, and I felt bad for the hurt I saw in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me Cyrus? You said you spoke to him two days ago.”

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“No it’s not that! God no Jonah! It’s just… Something’s wrong with TJ. Something is not right. And I want to figure some things out first.”

“What happened when you met? Did he do something to you?”

“No Jonah, absolutely not”, I replied. Now _that_ was a blatant lie of course, and I felt so bad for it. But every fiber in my body screamed at me _not_ to say anything about that kiss. “It’s just…”, I continued, “It was a strange conversation. He said he didn’t recognize me.”

“Now that can’t possibly be true”, Jonah added.

“Exactly! And then he just kept staring at me, and asking me questions. And I might have just said to him that Buffy is not my girlfriend, and that I’m gay.”

“What?” Jonah asked, with a baffled expression. “Why would you do that?”

“I honestly don’t know.” I replied truthfully. “I surprised myself. You know, Buffy was a bit right. He _was_ kind of a jerk to me. But I wasn’t very nice either, I guess. I can’t really explain it. He somehow knew how to wind me up like I never experienced before. The strange thing is, I just know that’s just superficial. There’s something else there.”

Jonah sighed. “Well, _you_ will have to explain to Buffy when this is ever brought up again. I know I can’t do it for you.”

“I know. Thanks Jonah, for being such a good friend. I’m sorry again.”

Jonah smiled back at me. “It’s okay.”

“Can I get a hug?”

He laughed. “Come here you big dork!”

It felt good having Jonah’s arms around me. I felt safe and understood.

“Cyrus?” He said softly.

“Yeah?”

“Do you promise you’ll be careful?”

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I would love to get some feedback on the story. If you see any terrible mistakes in my English, please let me know.  
You can now also follow me on tumblr for updates and sneak previews, or ask me questions at @rjwstories


	8. Salaam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salaam:  
_“a salutation meaning ‘peace’, used especially in Islamic countries”_

Sunday came and went by. I did my homework and some chores, and we had my aunt Ruthie over for dinner. I don’t want to start a whole new story about my family, but _oy vey_ (as we say in Yiddish), she really didn’t grasp the concept of what being gay means. Every time she stopped by, she kept asking if I already had a girlfriend. And every time it was like I had to come out to her again, explaining that, _no_, I don’t have a girlfriend, and _no_, I’m not looking for one because I prefer snogging boys. Well, that was not exactly how I put it to her of course, but it was really tempting to get very graphic in my descriptions sometimes to talk some sense into her. It certainly would have helped if I had a boyfriend. Maybe me kissing a boy at the dinner table in front of her would have stopped her from asking me the same thing over and over again.

While we’re on the topic of kissing, I had in the meantime convinced myself that I had to confront TJ about the kiss. That was the only option that I had for some closure, I reasoned. Why did he kiss me? What did he mean by it? Why had he gotten al panicky and angry about it? And why did he become nicer to Buffy? I just had to know. And if he was just going to be a jerk again to me then at least I had tried, and there would be nothing to blame myself for. I did still blame myself for my own rudeness to him, you see. I had promised myself to be all nice to him, and I really had failed my own briefing. So Monday had to be the day to talk to him properly. To try at least.

When the new school day started, I was now mentally prepared for it not being easy to intercept TJ. There was no use in trying to catch him before or after classes during the day, or during lunch break. If I could find out when his last class was to be, and where, I could wait for him there and try to speak to him alone. This time however I had made sure I let Jonah in on the plan, and assured him I would let him know how things went. He offered to stay with me, but I was convinced I had to do this by myself. Not in the least because Jonah didn’t know about the whole story (which still made me feel terribly guilty).

After some proper detective work I had finally found out that TJ’s last class that day was going to be an elective course on music and arts. At first that seemed hard to believe, but then I had to remind myself about my own principles on having prejudices. It then just confirmed the suspicion that there was more to TJ than a scary basketball guy. Now I waited patiently outside the classroom for his class to end, suspecting TJ to be the first one to leave. How I was going to get him to talk to me I had no idea to be honest, but at least I could try.

It didn’t take too long for students to come out of the classroom after the bell had rung. To my surprise, TJ wasn’t among them. And when I even saw the teacher leaving, I was convinced I failed again. To be absolutely sure, I peaked into the classroom.

My breathing hitched. There he was. He was standing in front of on old record player. There was a record on it spinning around in silence. TJ had a pair of headphones on his head, plugged into the amplifier next to the player. He had his eyes closed, and looked incredibly peaceful and relaxed, like he was meditating. I couldn’t help myself. I just had to watch him listening in peace. So I leaned against the doorframe and kept my eyes on him. I felt a bit of a creep for it, but it was so nice seeing him there, looking like a completely different person.

I’m not sure how long we stood there in silence. But only when the record came to an end, I saw TJ slowly getting back to reality again. I held my breath to keep him from noticing me. I watched as he put down his headphones and very carefully took the record from the player putting it back into its sleeve. I tried to see if I could work out to what record he had been listening, but from a distance there was nothing familiar about the cover. It looked old with a yellow label at the top. After he had put the record away on a shelf, and turned around, of course the inevitable happened. He saw me standing and yelped in surprise.

“Whoooaa, my god! What the fuck! When did you come in?”

“Just now”, I lied, “Sorry”.

“I told you to stay away from me!” he said angrily.

“I know. I will. But on my terms. First we talk.”

“We don’t talk about shit”, he spat at me, and stormed past me into the hallway. I had to run after him to keep up with him. He sure knew how to keep up the speed. I was determined not to let him get away this time, however. I had to confront him this time.

“TJ, stop!”

My words didn’t seem to have any effect on him, as he kept walking away from me.

“TJ, please…” I pleaded.

I saw him hesitating, and at last he stopped in his tracks. He kept looking forward, away from me.

“_What_?” he said.

“Don’t you think we should talk?”

“No, I’ve got nothing to tell you.”

“And I have a lot to say.”

TJ turned around to face me again. His expression hardened.

“You can be annoying, you know that?” he said.

“Yes, and you can be intimidating. Now, can we talk? I assume there aren’t a lot of other people around to who you can talk like this.”

“Who said I want to talk?”

“You should give it a try, so let’s get to business.”

“About what?”

“You kissed me.”

TJ stepped forward at lightning speed, lunging forward at me and grabbing the top of my shirt with his fist, pushing me against the lockers.

“Will you shut your face in the middle of the school? That never happened”, he hissed. He was now towering over me and trying to be intimidating. Now you see…, that would have worked with a lot of other people, in a lot of other situations. But _I_ was the one that got kissed by him. There had to be a good side somewhere and I was determined to find out more.

“But it _did_ happen”, I said softly, looking him straight into the eyes, “I didn’t tell anyone.”

He looked back in my eyes, and I felt his grip loosening. The hesitation was visible in his face.

“Why are you meddling in my life, why?” TJ said, sounding frustrated and desperate. “Why are you bothering me? Why is this happening again? And why don’t I just punch your face so you stay away from me?”

“You don’t want to hurt me, I know that”, I said, trying to keep a steady voice. “So let me go, please. I’m not here as a punching bag, I just want to know if you’re okay.” Moreover, I had heard him say the word ‘again’ clearly. Was that a slip of the tongue? What had happened in this boy’s life?

He kept his gaze on me for a moment. Then he sighed, and his head and shoulders dropped as he let go of my shirt.

“You can’t fix me”, he said, looking to the ground. “No one can.”

There was no denying it. I was completely fascinated by this boy, and I couldn’t exactly figure out why. He looked so vulnerable at this moment, and yet, a minute ago, he tried to look so intimidating. What was this act he was trying to pull off? And why?

“Look TJ, I’m not here to judge you. And I’m not sure why I put in all of this effort, but for some reason I think you could use a friend. I won’t push you, okay. If you want to talk to me, I promise you I will be there. But please don’t try to do your confident-scary-basketball-guy-act around me. It doesn’t work with me. If you really want me to stay out of your life, you can tell me that. But just…, say it to me, and don’t try to be all butch and threatening.”

TJ was still looking at the ground, looking like he was thinking very hard. After a minute, he raised his head and looked at me. “You’re really something, Cyrus, you know that? I’m not going to get rid of you that easy, am I?” The tone of his voice wasn’t intimidating anymore, it also wasn’t very loving. He just sounded tired.

“As I said, if you really want to get rid of me you just have to say it to my face like you mean it.”

“That’s not really what I meant, but never mind” TJ said, and he cocked his head examining me, looking serious. “I’ll think about the talking thing.”

That felt as a huge victory for me. “Tomorrow at 4 o’clock I’ll be at the swings in the park. You can come right after your basketball practice.”

“You know my schedule?” he asked.

“Buffy’s on the team remember? She’s my friend.”

“I see.”

“Thank you for being nicer to her during basketball, by the way”, I added.

He kept examining me with a look I couldn’t really decipher. Then he nodded at me with a soft smile, turned around and walked away. “Bye Cyrus”, I could hear him say.

“Bye TJ”, I answered. But I wasn’t sure if he was able to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is the matter with TJ? And do you think he will show op at the swings?  
Leave your thoughts about the story in the comments, and some love would be nice :-).


	9. Interlude 2

Am I succeeding in keeping things interesting with this story? I hope you’re intrigued by the latest character development. At that time, I didn’t know anything more about TJ’s backstory than you do now. In hindsight, I understand his behavior a lot better. Don’t worry; you too will know soon more about him. I hope that in the future, you all can forgive him for his initial behavior towards me. Before we continue the story, let me again share a chat between Jonah and me with you.

That night I felt conflicted. Really conflicted. I had promised Jonah and myself to let him know how things had gone. But really, the whole exchange from that afternoon had been based on the one thing I couldn’t tell Jonah; that kiss. I was aware of the fact that there was no way I could explain to Jonah why I was putting in so much effort. He knew only about the look we shared, and even then, he hadn’t seen what I had seen in his eyes (you know, the green ones…). But I _had_ promised to fill him in. He already knew the first exchange between TJ and me hadn’t been very friendly, and now I was going to tell him the second one also had not been very loving from the start. Moreover, there was going to be a third meeting tomorrow, if TJ were to show up, that is.

No, I had to convince myself I didn’t need to answer to Jonah. He just had to trust me.

I think…

God what a predicament… _‘Focus on the look and the kiss, focus on that’_ I told myself. O, and a smile. He had smiled at me today. _‘Focus on the look, the kiss and the smile.’_

Reluctantly I picked up my phone and started a chat with Jonah. He answered in seconds, like he was waiting for it. Here it is:

**Cyrus**  
I talked to him!

**Jonah**  
How did it go? Was he nice to y?

**Cyrus**  
At first not really, tbh

**Jonah**  
What did he say?

**Cyrus**  
He pushed me against the lockers, if I’m being honest

**Jonah**  
WHAT???  
Did he hurt you?  
Y have to report him Cyrus!

**Cyrus**  
No no no, after that he was nice.  
I had scared him  
I sneaked up to him

**Jonah**  
No reason to hurt y  
You should walk away from him  
I mean it

**Cyrus**  
No, like I said, after that he was okay

**Jonah**  
Cyrus…

**Cyrus**  
Really, he won’t hurt me  
We’re going to talk tomorrow  
If he shows up that is…

**Jonah**  
I thought y talked today?

**Cyrus**  
Yes, but we talked about talking to each other.

**Jonah**  
Yeah, that’s not confusing at all

**Cyrus**  
I told him that if he wants to talk, he could come to me tomorrow  
He needs some time I think  
I think he’s scared

**Jonah**  
Of what?

**Cyrus**  
Of me? Of himself? I don’t know

**Jonah**  
Someone being scared of y…  
That’s a first

**Cyrus**  
Shut up…

**Jonah**  
Is it because you’re gay?  
Is he a homophobe y think?

**Cyrus**  
I don’t think he is  
People fear things they don’t know  
They sometimes get angry about it

**Jonah**  
That’s the therapist talking  
Yr parents would be proud…  
But let me get this straight

**Cyrus**  
Pun intended?

**Jonah**  
No…  
But seriously. He shoves y into the lockers, and y’re being all nice to him and invite him for a nice therapeutic session?

**Cyrus**  
Not really a therapeutic session. I’m just going to talk to him  
He’s not really mean you know

**Jonah**  
Not what the evidence is showing

**Cyrus**  
I know  
But there’s more to him

**Jonah**  
Yeah, that’s what y say.  
I don’t really understand…  
Do y consider him a project?

**Cyrus**  
No…, I think. I don’t consider him a project

**Jonah**  
Convincing…  
Do y already have a crush on him? In some weird kind of way?

**Cyrus**  
…  
No!

**Jonah**  
Hm  
I don’t know if I believe y  
But for me he has his last chance tomorrow.  
He better not hurt y again

**Cyrus**  
Is that a threat?

**Jonah**  
You bet it is

**Cyrus**  
Being mean doesn’t suit you either Jonah…  
What are you going to do?  
Start a fight?

**Jonah**  
No  
If he’s mean to y one more time  
I’m going to tell Buffy

**Cyrus**  
Oooooo  
You won’t do that!

**Jonah**  
Yes I will  
Let me know how it goes okay?  
Cyrus? Please?

**Cyrus**  
Okay…

**Jonah**  
It’s yr decision  
I hope y know what you’re doing

**Cyrus**  
I do  
Thanks for looking after me

**Jonah**  
Always!  
Okay, going to bed now.  
Goodnight  
LY!

**Cyrus**  
Goodnight  
LY2!

Um. That went well (?) But…yeah, that’s about the most concerned and angry Jonah will get. And I told him I knew what I was doing… Ooow, I wished I could have believed that myself. In reality, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I knew for sure that if TJ would be a jerk again to me, I had to let him go. Even I wasn’t foolish enough to risk such an important friendship for my own intuition based on one look. And one kiss… And one smile…

Only time would tell really. So let’s get on with the story!


	10. Compassion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compassion:  
_“a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them”_

The nerves were there, at the start of a new day. Which was ridiculous, a part of me said (which was completely understandable, another part of me said). He’s just a boy with issues (of course he’s not _just_ a boy with some issues). You’re imagining things, that look meant nothing (that look meant everything). The kiss had been just a fluke (how on earth can a kiss be ‘just a fluke’?). You should listen to Jonah and stay away from him (Jonah should trust on my intuition).

It was exhausting, you understand? I was developing a split personality because of this boy. And these personalities were arguing constantly, like the cliché shoulder angel and devil, shouting into my ears. It didn’t help me at all in concentrating during classes. Furthermore, TJ was already less invisible in school than the first days, and that didn’t contribute either. I spotted him at the lockers at the start of the day, and he passed Jonah and me in the corridor on our way to class. Not that he even shot one glance in my direction… He kept looking forward with a stoic expression, and he was flanked by a couple of other students.

Jonah studied it skeptically. “Your friend has quite a posse already.” he said. “And it looks like you have some competition, Alicia seems to be into him.” he added, pointing at the girl (apparently the owner of that name) that followed TJ closely.

“It’s not a competition. We’re having a talk this afternoon, and that will be all. Maybe he will be nice, maybe not. Either way, I’ve done the best I could do for a new student.”

“Yeah, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t even look at you when you said he was nice the last time you two talked.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t notice me?” I suggested.

Jonah rolled his eyes. “How can anyone _not_ notice you? He’s ignorant or just stupid if he doesn’t value you for who you are.”

I felt myself blushing. “That the most nice-aggressive thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Yeah, well he better will notice you at the end of the day or I will kick his ass.” Jonah grumbled.

I looked at Jonah in shock, but I couldn’t help myself cracking up. The mere thought of Jonah trying to ‘kick TJ’s ass’ was just hilarious.

Jonah pouted at me. “What, you don’t believe I can take him on?”

“Sure Jonah, I wouldn’t want anyone else as my personal bodyguard.” I chuckled, putting my arm around him. “Now come on, let’s get to class.”

And with that, the nerves were gone. As long as I had Jonah as a friend, everything would turn out okay, I told myself.

When, at ten to four, I was walking to the swings in the park, I felt strangely at ease. I had already prepared myself for TJ not turning up, or him just being rude and telling me again to leave him alone. I had promised myself I would wait for him until a quarter past four at latest, and that would be that, and I would continue with my life.

However, as it turned out, I hardly had to wait at all. While I was standing there, my hands holding the straps of my backpack, I saw him approaching at four sharp. I tried to read his expression but that was really not that easy. He looked nervous, tense and definitely on his guard, while trying to maintain his confident look.

“You came”, I said in surprise, when he stopped in front of me.

“Surprised?” he said.

“A bit, to be honest.”

As we stared at each other, trying to figure each other out, I felt the tension between us rising. I decided to sit down on one of the swings, and gestured him to take place on the one next to me. He looked at me and at the swings with furrowed eyebrows, but after a couple of moments of hesitation he walked up to it and sat down anyway.

“Well, I’m happy you decided to come.” I said, trying to start the conversation. “So…, talking…, let’s try that.” 

TJ looked forward in silence for a couple of moment, before he replied. “I’m not good at that.”

“How come?”

“Never done that.” TJ shrugged.

“What do you mean, ‘never done that’?” I said puzzled.

“Never has anyone taken any interest in me”, he said. He didn’t look me in the eyes when he said that. It felt like he was ashamed. The sadness of his confession hit me like a ton of bricks. How on earth could it be possible that no one had ever taken an interest in his life?

“But, how is that even possible?” I asked.

He just shrugged. Whatever the story behind this boy was, it just had to be a heart breaking sad one. I just had to find about more about this story, I felt that very strongly.

“How about I take an interest in you?” I said.

He raised his head and looked me in the eyes for the first time. The words he said next weren’t something I had expected.

“I’m not gay.”

That got me silent for a couple of moments. That wasn’t even a question I was considering asking him any time soon.

“Oooo…kay”, I said, dragging out the word. “I wasn’t going to ask you that.”

I had to think about a safe approach to let him open up to me bit by bit.  
“Look…, I’m not interested in the act that a lot of people play in their lives. I always appreciate honest feelings and opinions, without any filter. It’s something that comes naturally to me. I’m very easy to read. When I’m sad, I cry, when I’m happy, I laugh. And when I’m angry, you will notice right away. I understand that’s not how it works for you at the moment. I think you have built quite big and strong walls around you. I’m not here to break them away with a sledgehammer. Let’s try one brick at a time, okay? And let’s not start with the bottom one. Do you think you can trust me?”

He looked at me with curious eyes, but also with some suspicion. “It’s hard to trust anyone for me”, he said, “I’m broken. People broke me. Acting is easy. Trusting anyone not so much.”

And that was my first victory of the day. He just admitted living in an act. “I understand. Can I ask you some questions then? You decide if you want to answer them okay?”

He looked at me, as if he was trying to find something insincere about me, then he nodded.

“How old are you?”

He looked surprised at me. “I can answer that one. I’m 16 years old. Plus three months, to be precise. And you?”

“I’m 15 year’s old. And…, let me do the math…, 7 months. Where were you born?”

TJ looked like he was relaxing a bit more. “I was born in the small town of Marble Falls, just outside of Austin, Texas.”

“That’s a beautiful name for a town.”

“Yeah, I guess so. The name is beautiful”, TJ said looking away from me.

I felt there was something of a bad memory related to that town. So I hurried to change the subject. “What music do you like the most?”

TJ lightened up again. “O, I like a lot of music. I’m a big fan of 70’s and 80’s rock music. You know, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, that kind of stuff. But when I’m stressed out I sometimes listen to classical piano music. It helps calm me down”. TJ suddenly looked up in surprise. “Hey, I’ve never told that to anyone before. You probably think it’s lame.”

“No, of course not”, I answered. “Why would I think that’s lame? It’s awesome you like different styles of music. Do you play an instrument?”

Now I definitely saw a small smile appearing on his face. You almost couldn’t see it, but it was unmistakably there.

“I sometime try to play the piano myself, but I’m not that good.”

“Huh, really? That’s cool. Certainly not something that fits your scary-basketball-guy-act.”

I saw his smile falling in an instant, and a corner of his mouth twitching.

“Sorry, I think it’s very cool, I like it” I hurried to add. “Are you a cat of a dog person?”

He eyed me with curiosity again, and luckily I saw the small smile returning to his face.

“Definitely a cat person. Cats are more fun, and more cuddly.”

“I agree. And what’s you favorite dinosaur?”

“My favorite _what_?” He looked at me with amusement in his eyes.

“You favorite, um, dinosaur? Don’t you have one…? I-I have one… O…”, I stammered. Suddenly my confidence went out of the door, and I was already trying to figure out ways to save my awkwardness. But then I saw his face completely light up, and he burst out laughing. It was the greatest thing I had ever seen. The tension on his face and body was completely gone, and he was looking relaxed and carefree as he laughed at me, his eyes sparkling with joy. As a result, I suddenly felt completely nervous. The roles were turned around all of a sudden. Now _I_ was the one feeling uncomfortable in my skin, and he was looking at me with a confident attitude that I hadn’t experienced yet. It was a genuine confidence, not an acted one.

TJ wiped his eyes with his hands. “Sorry, that was just too adorable. No I don’t have a favorite dinosaur. Tell me about yours though.”

He looked fondly at me, and I felt my cheeks burning red from the words he said.

“Ah…, um…, my favorite dinosaur is the pterodactylus. It’s a cool dinosaur because it’s a flying one. It’s basically a huge flesh eating lizard like bird, with a wingspan of three feet. I think it would have been terrifying to meet one. Don’t you think that would be terrifying? N-no of course not, you’re probably not scared of animals. O, but this not just a large animal, it’s a dinosaur! I think most dinosaurs are terrifying. But they are so interesting! O…, I’m rambling. Sorry for the rambling. I’m probably boring you.”

“You’re not boring me. I think I would soil my pants if I would come across one of those”, TJ said reassuringly. He had a huge smile on his face. He looked amazing smiling. The look he was giving me made my heart rate speed up.

“Come on, let’s use the swings while we’re on them”, he said, and he started swinging back and forth. “Come on, join me, let’s see who get’s the highest!”

I looked at him with confusion. Somehow this tough scary guy turned into a really nice soft person. He was laughing, he was relaxed, and I felt completely at ease with him. Well, that’s probably not completely true. You see, the strange thing was that I felt confident around the scary TJ, but nervous from all the butterfly-like feelings I got around soft TJ. Was this really the same person as the one that pushed me against the lockers yesterday and tried to intimidate me? The boy fascinated me more and more. I think I knew from the moment we first saw each other, there just had to be a really nice and soft person below this confident and scary outer shell. All I had to do was peel that shell away, and out came a boy I could definitely crush very hard on. And that last realization hit me hard. I was developing a huge crush on him, and that definitely wasn’t going to be easy.

For the time being I decided to just enjoy the moment. After I started swinging alongside TJ, reaching higher and higher, I suddenly distinctly spotted Jonah in the distance, who was doing a rather poor job in trying to hide inconspicuously behind a tree.


	11. Chesed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chesed:  
_“the Jewish attribute of grace, kindness or love”_

Did anyone count how many times I already used the word ‘confusion’ in this story? I’m not so sure if I want to know. It does summarize the prevalent emotion I felt. Now I come to think of it, it probably felt the same way for TJ. He wasn’t used to anyone taking a meaningful interest in him, and suddenly there was this geeky gay kid insisting in being nice to him, even after he had tried to push him away. It must have been…, well…, confusing.

Our time together at the swings had been nice. He had finally relaxed and shown his real personality. He had turned out to be a really soft, nice and caring guy. But boy, there had to be something significant in his life that triggered him to put up an act as a scary and intimidating guy. Like I had suspected, the scary-act was used to keep other people at distance. What did happen then? At that point, I was certainly not going to just ask him. Our newly found friendship (if I can call it that) was still very fragile. I just had to wait for him to open up himself, I reasoned.

That afternoon, I didn’t have the nerves to ask any more questions anyway. We had enjoyed the swings, and he of course had proven he dared to swing higher than me. And after that, before I could even object, he had pushed me ducking underneath me while yelling _'underdog'_. He had laughed and I had screamed. Apart from my vertigo acting up, it had been fun. I think it was only after about half an hour, that TJ had looked at his watch and told me he had to go home. His face fell slightly when he said that. He smiled at me before he walked away. After a couple of steps he looked back one more time at me. I blushed furiously and gave him an awkward small wave.

I didn’t want to confront Jonah right away about spying on me. I wasn’t sure if I had to be indignant about it or flattered because he cared so much about my welfare. And moreover, I wanted to process the events of the past days by myself first. There was no denying I had some kind of a crush on TJ, and I wasn’t so sure, rationally, what that entailed for the future. TJ was some kind of a dr.-Jekyll-and-mr.-Hyde-case (yes I'm a book nerd, that's a reference to a 1886 novella...). There was soft TJ, who was completely at ease with me, and I could picture myself dreaming about him as my future love interest (yes, I am also a big sap…). Scary TJ, however, had proven to be afraid of me and wanted nothing to do with me. As nice as it had been that afternoon, I wasn’t really convinced that that scary part of him had disappeared and everything between us would be nice and easy.

So I refrained from texting or calling Jonah that evening. Luckily, he didn’t initiate a conversation either. That’s probably because he already knew everything that had happened and was reassured about the whole thing. I decided I had to forgive Jonah for his curiosity. Mainly because, you know…, he’s Jonah and he’s a sweetheart. There were no bad intentions, I probably would have done the same thing if things had been the other way around.

Next morning, as I was approaching school, I already spotted Jonah waiting for me in front of the main entrance. He smiled widely at me.

“Morning Cy-Guy! How did it go yesterday?”

“You bloody well know how it went yesterday Jonah, you were there.” I answered with a look of fake annoyance.

“O…” Jonah muttered, “So you saw that?”

I smiled at him warily. “Of course I did. Let me give you some advice. Next time you decide to spy on someone, don’t wear your red shirt.”

“Ah…, um…, yeah that’s probably…, yeah thanks.” he said awkwardly.

I could only smile and shake my head at the sight of Jonah being all flustered and uncomfortable. “Now come on, school will start in a minute.” I said. And with that I put a hand on his back and pushed him gently towards the entrance.

“Sorry Cyrus.” Jonah said apologetically, walking next to me. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I know. It’s okay. Thanks for being overprotective.”

“Hey, you know as well as I do his track record wasn’t that good.”

“Well, and now you know he’s really a big softy.” I said.

“I have to say it seemed like you two really hit it off. Do you think he’s into you?” Jonah asked a bit teasing.

I couldn’t answer that question right away, and I didn’t dare look at Jonah, by which I revealed my feelings of course. Jonah looked at me in surprise.

“No way? I was joking actually. But do you really think he’s got feelings for you?”

It was something I had contemplated about. Like…, a lot. The way he had smiled at me, the look-back, the things he had said. And not to be forgotten, he _had_ kissed me.

“I don’t know… I guess he was really nice to me, you know. And he looked all genuine.”

Jonah frowned, as if he was thinking hard. “Hm. Who would have thought? That scary-basketball-guy actually has feelings for my adorable gay best friend. It would make a great story, that’s for sure.”

“You don’t know for sure if he has feelings for me”, I protested. “Let alone more than friendly ones. I only know he’s got feelings in the first place. Which is, let’s be honest, a discovery on its own.”

Of course I was not being truthful there. I knew he had feelings from the moment we had our first look. But there was no way I was going to try to explain _that_.

As we were chatting along, walking through the corridors, fate decided of course that we had to come across the object of the conversation himself. TJ was leaning against the lockers, looking rather indifferent as the boy next to him rambled on about something that TJ was obviously not interested in. The moment I saw him the happy emotions from the day before all came back, and I perked up immediately.

“Good morning TJ!” I said cheerfully.

The moment I saw his face, I knew I had made a mistake. Of course he wasn’t going to change his act around school. The fact that I had the privilege to get to know TJ’s soft side, or better, his real side, didn’t mean that he was comfortable showing that side to other people. I unconsciously had broken the barrier right in front of everybody, and created a potentially incredibly awkward situation for him. How was he going to explain that I, the school’s residential gay nerd, just greeted him that way in the middle of school. Panicking, I only came up with one way to fix the issue.

“And good morning Alicia, what a lovely morning” I continued to the girl next to him. “Good morning to you Lester, how nice to see you! And good morning to you too, uhm…, sorry I don’t know your name” I said to a blond boy standing next to Lester. I felt every fiber in my body wanting to flee from the scene, so I quickly turned around and walked away, of course keeping my act up. “Ah, mr. Coleman, good morning to you too! Isn’t that nice Jonah, greeting everyone on good-morning-day? Good morning Lucas! Good morning Connor!”

As I walked away down the corridor, making a complete fool out of myself, I saw the other students watch me with looks that varied from annoyance to amusement. Jonah followed me in complete confusion.

“What the hell was that? ‘Good-morning-day’? Have you gone insane?”  
When we rounded the corner. I deflated and rested my head against the wall. “O god, please kill me Jonah.”

Jonah gawked at me, and then burst out laughing. “O. My. God! You should see yourself.” he hiccupped. “If that doesn’t make him fall for you than nothing else will, that’s for sure.” Jonah leaned on my shoulder, tears running down his cheeks. “I can’t breath… o god, that was brilliant.” he continued.

I glared at him from the corners of my eyes, but I couldn’t suppress a smile at the sight of Jonah laughing. At least someone was enjoying my awkwardness.

Needless to say, he didn’t keep himself from teasing me with the situation the whole day. Even at lunch, when we were sitting at the table next to each other, waiting for Buffy and Andi, he kept mentioning how beautifully awkward I was.

“Cyrus really, I’m impressed how you saved yourself there” he said, while he put his hand on my shoulder. “It was too cute, o my god. And then everyone’s faces! You should have…”.

Jonah stopped abruptly mid sentence, causing me to look up to him in curiosity. “Um, your future boyfriend is glaring at me, not in a very loving way.” he said. I followed his gaze to the other side of the canteen, where TJ was seated. As soon as I looked his way, he averted his eyes.

“He’s not my future boyfriend.” I muttered. “And you have probably imagined it.”

“No, I’m pretty sure he gave me some kind of death glare.”

I didn’t want the sparks of hope fire up, so I decided to just ignore the implications of the situation.

“No he wasn’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use the bathroom.” I said, and with that, I stood up and fled from the canteen. After I entered the bathroom at the end of the hallway, I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. If Jonah was right, and why would he lie, then there was a possibility that TJ had glared at Jonah because he had been jealous. But no, that was just ridiculous… 

As I was gathering my thoughts, I got startled by the door opening and someone coming in. Of course it was TJ… He looked at me with a serious expression on his face, while I tried to get my heart rate under control and look somewhat composed. After 20 seconds of awkward staring at each other, I raised my eyebrows at him, urging him to speak.

He sighed. “Cyrus, about this morning, it’s better if you pretend we don’t know each other.”

And although I could really understand his point, I couldn’t help but feeling annoyed about the unfairness of it.

“You mean I even can’t say hello to you? Ever?”

TJ looked at the ground. “Um…, maybe not never, but for now…, no.”

“TJ, I…, okay…, for now then. But we will talk about this later.” It pained me to give in so easily, but I knew better than to make a scene over it. TJ clearly felt uncomfortable about it.

“Thank you. Also for yesterday, it was nice… talking to you.” he said shyly.

TJ looked genuinely grateful, so I decided to leave it at that, and not question him about the way he seemingly was looking at Jonah.

“You’re welcome. I found it nice too.”

TJ smiled and turned around opening the door. Before he left the bathroom, he faced me again.

“I uh…, I like your shirt” TJ said, looking a bit awkward..

My brain stopped working at that comment. What did he say?

“It uh… it suits your eyes” he continued, “Um…, I mean…, you have nice eyes…, and the shirt…, um…, it’s nice…”

The look on my face was probably hilarious from a bystander’s perspective. I opened my mouth to say something back, but nothing really came out, so I closed it again. I think I closely resembled a goldfish there. Finally I forced myself saying something back.

“O…, um…, thanks.” I stammered. “You…um, you have nice eyes too.”

He smiled softly at me. Was he blushing? Before I could say anything else, TJ turned around and walked away, closing the door behind him. Did he just…? Had he been… flirting with me?

I entered the classroom just in time, and completely flustered. I noticed TJ sitting in the back with his typical indifferent look, with Alicia next to him looking very happy. As I crashed into my seat next to Jonah, he looked at me with a look of worry and surprise.

“Where have you been? I’m sorry if I said something wrong. Why are you so late?”

“I think TJ has been flirting with me in the bathroom.” I whispered.

Jonah’s eyebrows shut up in surprise, and a knowing grin appeared on his face. “You see! He’s so into you!”

“Ssssshh! Keep your voice down, please! No one can know about this. Ever. And I’m not even sure if he was really flirting with me. He just said I, um…, I have nice eyes.”

Jonah unsuccessfully tried to suppress a chuckle. “Yeah, that’s what bros say to each other these days.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m not telling you anything more!”

“Do you think we should check if he’s the jealous type?” Jonah asked while he was leaning in, whispering to me. “I can just pretend to kiss you and then we can gauge his reaction.”

And with that, Jonah put his arm around my shoulder and leaned in even closer, and I felt my head heating up as I felt his breath on my cheek. Behind us, there was a sound of something snapping, and a high shriek.

“TJ, you ass! Look what you did!” Alicia screamed, stains of ink visible in het face and on the front of her shirt.

“Mrs. Harris, mr. Kippen, what on earth are you doing back there?” mrs. Jones, our history teacher, called out to them.

The whole class faced the duo. TJ’s was looking furious, holding two halves of a former pen in his hands, his hands covered in ink. Alicia looked horrified, stood up from her seat, and stormed out of the classroom.  
“Okay, everyone settle down.” mrs. Jones said raising her voice, trying to calm down the commotion.

“Well, there’s your answer. You’re welcome.” Jonah smirked as he faced forward again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! As I have already mentioned, English is not my native language. Please let me know if I have made mistakes. Also, being a European, my knowledge of the English language is predominantly based on British-English. As this is an American story, I intended to write this in American-English. It could very well be that I sometimes use the wrong English words. Please let me know, so I can learn from it!


	12. Skam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skam:  
_“Norwegian for ‘shame’: an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness”_

So that happened… I was reduced to a blushing mess, intently studying his own shoes. There was no way I was going to look Jonah or TJ in the eyes again. The first one had faked kiss me, and the second one had gotten himself all worked up about it. Or at least, so it seemed. Have you ever tried to snap a pen in two? It really takes some force to do that. Still I refused to believe that TJ had been jealous because of Jonah. He had clearly stated that he was not gay, and he didn’t want other people to know that we talked. So he couldn’t be interested. I probably was just one of the first people that had been genuinely nice to him, that’s all.

I can hear you thinking. Oblivious much? Yes, but it’s easy from your point of view. It’s not so easy when you’re a confused mess like me, with some kind of an inferiority complex. The rest of the day I avoided human contact as much as possible, especially with two boys in particular. It wasn’t that hard to avoid TJ, who was nowhere to be seen again. Jonah however, kept smiling like a lunatic for the rest of the day, grinning like he had won the lottery. He kept nudging me, telling me how happy he was for me, and he even asked if he could be my best man during the wedding. He was way too excited about the whole situation.

I was so relieved to be home again that day. After dinner, I excused myself from the table as soon as possible, and retreated to the solitude of my own bedroom, where I could enjoy being all by myself for the rest of the evening. I distracted myself by doing my homework, and finally I managed to open up a book I had planned on starting to read for weeks. I had almost succeeded in forgetting about the crazy events of the last week, and convincing myself I had a normal life. Almost… So close…

I got startled from my book when I heard someone knocking on my balcony door. My first impulse was to run away and call for my parents, but somehow my curiosity convinced me to check who would be insane enough to climb on my balcony and knock on my door. Of course, it could only be one person. I think I realized that unconsciously. Opening my curtains revealed TJ, standing on my balcony, outside of my door. I hurried to open the door and let him in.

“TJ! What the hell?!”

“You know it’s really easy to break into your house? There’s an easy to climb drainpipe leading right to your balcony.”

I looked at him baffled. “You came here on this ungodly hour to give me security advice?”

“No not really. Why do you have a balcony anyway? What kid has that?”

“What? But…how? What?!” I stammered. I needed some time to compose myself, as I came to terms that TJ was standing in my room, late in the evening on a school night, examining my room like it was completely normal situation.

“TJ…, how do you know where I live?”, I managed to say.

TJ shrugged. “Research.”

“Research?” I asked in bewilderment.

“Yeah.” TJ replied, like it was the most normal thing to say.

“What kind of research? Have you been following me?”

“Maybe” TJ said with a deadpan look. “I can be very inconspicuous.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, processing yet another weird bit of information. For a moment I sniggered internally when I thought back to Jonah with his red shirt, failing to hide behind a tree. Yep, they couldn’t be more different from each other… The weirdness of the current situation brought me back to the moment.

“And how did you even know this is my room?” I continued the interrogation.

“The curtains”, he simply replied, pointing at the pattern of dinosaurs on it, on the inside and out.

Okay, this was just surreal. TJ had apparently followed me one time to figure out where I lived, and had then examined the curtains of all the rooms, before deciding to climb onto my balcony.

I sighed and crashed down on my bed. “TJ…, why are you here?”

For a moment TJ kept quiet before he spoke again.

“Is Jason your boyfriend?” he asked.

I looked up at him in utter confusion. “Who?”

“That smiley, dopey, dimple guy. You know, smooth face and all. The one that’s always on your side.”

“You mean Jonah? No, he’s not my boyfriend. Why do you even want to know?”

“Well, I was just… curious.”

And suddenly TJ seamed to get a bit insecure about the situation, as he was visibly getting nervous, and looking around him.

“You’re gonna tell me that you came all the way to my house and climbed my drainpipe to ask me if Jonah is my boyfriend? Just because you’re curious?”

“Well, now…, if you put it that way…”

Then it hit me like a freight train. Jonah had to be right. O my god… There was no denying anymore, because what other explanation could there be? So I just confronted him.

“You’re jealous!”

“Pfff, you wish. I’m not jealous!”, he replied, totally failing to sound convincing.

“Yes, you’re jealous. I can see it! Oh my god! You’re even getting red in the face!”

At this point TJ looked pretty flustered. He had his hands deep in his pockets and he stared at the ground. It was really quite endearing to watch. This was again a moment I got to see TJ’s soft personality. I liked that personality. I got up from my bed and walked up to him, standing right in front of him. TJ refused to meet my eyes.

“TJ?” I asked softly.

I got no response, so I decided to take a leap of faith. I grabbed both his wrists, and slowly pulled his hands out his pockets. I then grabbed onto his hands holding them with my own.

“TJ?” I tried again. “Why did you kiss me the other day?”

Again TJ stayed silent. He looked up at the ceiling, then at the side, and then took a deep breath. Only then, he finally looked me in the eyes. Again I saw an abundance of emotions like I got to experience the first time we looked at each other. And like that time: fear, confusion, kindness, and…hope?

“Do you want to do it again?” I asked him carefully.

His mouth opened to say something but nothing came out. I felt his hands starting to tremble. He looked at me as if he had to use all his power to compose himself.

Very slowly I leaned in while keeping eye contact, giving him enough time to realize what I was going to do, and for him to pull away from me. He looked at me wide-eyed, and just when our noses were almost touching, he closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly. Our lips met softly, and unlike the first time, it was tender and peaceful. I kept holding his hands and I pressed my lips a bit firmer against his’ for only a couple of seconds before pulling away from him slowly.  
TJ looked like he had completely zoned out. He kept his eyes closed, and was breathing slowly, but I felt the grip on my hands tightening like he wasn’t ready to let me go yet.

“Again.” he whispered.

While I felt the adrenalin rushing through my veins, and my heart beating out of my chest, I tried to stay calm while I leaned again. It almost felt like if I would move too fast, he would run away from me. As carefully as I could manage, I pressed our lips together again, giving him soft kisses. After a couple of kisses, his hands pulled me closer, and he placed them on my waist wile he started to return the kisses. It was a dream really. Or actually, I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t, in fact, a dream.

I pulled away from him and leaned my forehead against his’.

“That was nice.” I said softly. TJ hummed in agreement, but I felt him still trembling a bit, and he continued to keep his eyes closed.

“Are you… okay?” I asked.

TJ exhaled slowly, then opened his eyes and finally looked up to me. His eyes were shining, and he gave me a hesitant smile.

“I’m fine. I’m… great.”

I pulled him in for a hug and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt warm and safe, and nice to have him that close. I felt his hands burning on my waist, and his breathing against my neck.

“TJ?”

“Yes?”

“Were you jealous today because of Jonah?”

“A bit.”

I chuckled. From what I had witnessed, he hadn’t been just ‘a bit’ jealous.

“Do you…, you know…, um…, like me?” I asked.

“I’m not gay”, he answered, while our chests were still pressed together, our hands on each other’s body, and our heads on each other’s shoulder. Standing like that, such a statement really was pretty out-there.

I pushed him away gently, holding him at arm length. “Why would you say that? You just kissed me.”

“I know. But I’m not gay.”

“TJ, what’s the matter with you? Didn’t you like kissing me?”

“Yes I did like kissing you”, he said. “It was nice.”

“And you realize I’m a boy?” I said, the sarcasm probably noticeable in my voice.

“Yes of course. But kissing you doesn’t make me gay”, he said.

“Are you bisexual then? Or pansexual?” I asked.

TJ looked at me as if he didn’t understand a thing I was saying. “Um…, what?”

I was completely confused by now. How was it possible he could kiss another boy and then deny being gay? I walked over to the bed and sat down, patting on the space next to me.

“Come sit down with me for a while.”

TJ sat down next to me, and looked at me expectantly. I realized he was sincere, and that confused me even more. Did he even know the definition of the words ‘straight’ and ‘gay’?

“What do you think is the definition of a gay person?”

TJ furrowed his eyebrows, trying to find the right words. “I think…, a gay man is a man that’s feminine, that like to wear mascara or something like that. Someone who goes to a Gay Pride, and dresses up in glitter, or is a fan of Kim Kardashian. And that’s just weird. It’s not right, abnormal even. Men shouldn't be like that. I’m not like that at all.”

The more he said, the more I leaned back in disbelief. Where on earth did he get educated, to get such a backward image of gay people? I was trying not to get angry, but I only partly succeeded.

"So that's how you think of me? That I'm 'abnormal'?"

TJ looked at me startled. "U-um..., n-no..., um..., y-you..., um..."

“And you probably think that a lesbian is a masculine woman with short hair wearing overalls fixing her motor cycle during the weekend?” I interrupted, while I tried, but not completely succeeded to keep my voice down.

“Well…” he said, clearly looking uncomfortable with the situation, looking down at his hands.

Now I felt the anger rising up because of his ignorance, and I wasn’t able anymore to ignore it. This was completely contradictory to my most basic feelings and believes. Normally I don’t get angry quickly, but as much as I had enjoyed our kisses, TJ’s ignorance had just ignited a fury inside of me that surpassed the happy emotions from earlier.

“You know, TJ. Those people, who wear mascara, or dress up in glitter, they don’t do that to just provoke other people. They just want to be themselves. Those are the same people who get beaten up, spit on in the street, or ridiculed at school or work. They don’t do that for fun TJ. Is that what you think? They would rather die than to pretend to be someone they’re not. And that, TJ, requires a whole lot more courage than most people are able to understand. And I think that before you’ve fought that battle yourself, before you’ve dared to stand up for who you are, you should be really fucking careful about putting yourself above them.”

TJ kept looking down. He clearly didn’t know how to handle my anger. It took him a couple of moments to respond.

“I-I didn’t mean to put myself above them”, he said softly.

“No TJ, you did… And now…, I don’t feel like talking to you anymore. Please leave. Go home and educate yourself, because I feel like you’re lacking a whole lot of basic information and commons sense.”

“Cyrus…, I…” TJ looked helplessly at me, his eyes sad.

I was determined this time, and I felt incredibly tired all of a sudden.

“No, please leave.”

With big sad eyes, his shoulders hanging, TJ stood up from the bed and walked to the balcony door. Before he opened the door and stepped outside, he looked back at me one more time with an apologizing look. I averted my eyes and let him step outside. Long after I heard him climbing down again, I wiped my tears away that, I just now realized, were falling from my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is, of course, dedicated to the amazing series that is SKAM, especially the original Norwegian version. But please do also check out the versions from other countries like SKAM France and SKAM Germany. The words that Cyrus says to TJ are almost literally based on what Eskild tells Isak when he's struggling with his sexuality. To be precise, in episode 5, season 3. I'm very thankful to the makers of the series for providing us with those wise words.  
#lovewins


	13. Interlude 3

Before we go on with the story, I feel like I have to share an important conversation I had with Jonah again. It's not by text because that didn't feel right at that time. Moreover, it was late in the evening. So I just sent him a message if he could come to school half an hour early the next day, so I could discuss some things with him. Luckily I received a thumbs-up from him almost right away.

You see, two hours after TJ had left my room, I was still busy studying my ceiling. I just lay on my bed wide awake, trying to process the bizarre interaction with TJ that evening. He had come to my room because he was jealous. He said he liked me and then he kissed me. It should have been a fairytale really. Finally there was someone who was willing to sneak out of his house at night and climb a drainpipe, just to see me. But then he showed a mind boggling ignorance about the topic of being gay, and offended one of my most important life values. Once again, I wondered what happened in his life. How did he became so narrow minded? How many people are there that think like that? I wanted to know Jonah’s opinion on it. He can be very helpful sometimes, with new insights. I was sure talking to him would help me in understanding TJ a bit more.

After an almost sleepless night, I had forced myself to shower, have breakfast and go to school early. Jonah was already waiting for me, wearing his signature smile.

“Cyrus, you look like shit.” he said, keeping his smile intact.

“Good morning to you too, Jonah.” I grumbled.

“So what happened? TJ again?” Jonah asked while he guided me towards a bench outside on the grounds, under a mighty oak tree.

I nodded while we sat down. “Yeah.” I sighed. “He visited me last night.”

“No way!” Jonah exclaimed. “He just came to your house? What did your parents say?”

“My parents didn’t say anything, because they don’t know. He climbed onto my balcony and knocked on my door.”

“Awww, how romantic.” Jonah cooed like a schoolgirl.

I glared back at Jonah.

“Sorry Cyrus…, then I assume he was rude to you.”

“No…, no he wasn’t.” I answered. “As it turned out, he really was jealous because of you. He admitted so. And he sort of told me he likes me.”

“I told you so!” Jonah beamed while he punched my arm. “And then what happened?”

I weighed my words. Telling Jonah we had kissed still felt wrong. Not that I didn’t trust Jonah, but the risk of him slipping up only once to Buffy or Andi, and the consequences that that would have, was just too much.

“He basically told me he’s not gay.”

“Huh?” Jonah said all puzzled. 

“Yeah, that’s similar to my reaction. So I asked him what we thought was the definition of a gay person.”

“What did he say?”

I took a deep breath. “I can’t repeat exactly what he said, but it contained the words ‘feminine’, ‘weird’ and ‘abnormal’.”

“O…”

“So I got angry and sent him away.”

“Hm…” Jonah replied, looking like he was thinking hard.

“You think I did the wrong thing?” I asked in surprise.

“No, not necessarily. I understand why you got angry.” he said.

“But…?”

Jonah face changed into an earnest and serious expression. I knew that expression, although he didn’t show it a lot. It was reserved for occasions when he was about to give a sensible and heartfelt advice.

“Cyrus, are you familiar with the nature-versus-nurture-debate?”

“Um, I think I heard my parents mentioning it a couple of times. What does it mean?”

“The nature-versus-nurture-debate is a scientific discussion that’s about distinguishing parts from your personality that are biological, and parts that are acquired from influences from your environment, such as your upbringing.”

I looked at Jonah in surprise and admiration. I knew he was clever (far more than most people thought), but sometimes he was able to sound far beyond his years.

“So, for example,” he continued, “Being gay is widely considered as something that’s pre-wired in your brain. It’s not something you get to choose, or that can be changed, as much as some religious nutbags want you to believe just that. But I think you already knew that.”

“Sure.” I nodded.

“But someone’s personality is also heavily influenced by the nurture-part. As a child, you grow up in an environment that feeds you with beliefs, opinions and convictions. From that, you build up some kind of framework of beliefs yourself. Most of those opinions come from your family of course. Everything you say or do, is heavily influenced by it. And everything other people say or do, you unconsciously compare it to that framework you have set. And everything that doesn’t fit your own framework of believes, opinions and convictions, is alienating, strange, weird. You quite literally cannot wrap your head around it. It takes a lot of intelligence, maturity and bravery to expand your framework beyond the borders that your parents have determined. You can’t really blame a child, which we are, for being ignorant about a subject, if it just hasn’t been a part of its education. For an adult, however, ignorance is seriously willful. Adults should have the wisdom to educate themselves before having an opinion. Unfortunately, as you know, most of the time that’s not the case.”

I let Jonah’s wise words sink in, and tried to apply it to TJ’s behavior.

“You mean, that it’s possible that TJ just doesn’t know what gay, bisexual, transgender and all those terms mean? Just because it hasn’t been part of his upbringing?”

“Exactly!” Jonah said. “If no one ever mentions that there’s something more than just being straight, how could you ever react normally to a gay person acting like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world? Frightened? Angry? Confused? It’s all possible.”

Those emotions perfectly applied to TJ’s behavior for the past few days.

“Ooo, that makes sense, yeah… That sounds like TJ.”

Jonah nodded. “I thought so. Now combine his ignorance about the subject with a biological urge to kiss boys. It’s an explosive mixture really. He probably hasn’t got the faintest idea how to handle himself.”

I thought about it for a while, before something came to my mind. “But wait. Come on. There’s so much information on the internet. There are so many series, movies, actors and singers that have normalized the subject. You can’t possibly hide from all of that?”

Jonah sighed. “I’m afraid you’re just a bit naïve about it. I wish it would be different, but in many parts in this world, including this country, there are still large communities who don’t think being gay is normal, and for whom it’s simply not a topic of discussion. It’s a bit extreme, I admit, but don’t underestimate the ignorance about it. He’s from Texas, remember? Not the most liberal minded state. You don’t know anything about his parents. Maybe they are really conservative, we simply don’t know.”

I sat back to ponder about Jonah’s words. Could it really be that extreme? Was I just lucky with my open-minded friends and family? I had always felt that I could be myself, never feeling something less than support from my parents. I couldn’t stand the idea of not having that support and understanding. I felt shivers down my spine thinking about the implications for TJ. Imagine that he really had a conservative family. How hard was it for him to lead a normal life? Did he know what a normal life was? Moreover, what did he consider normal?

I immediately felt bad about my anger outburst from yesterday. Maybe he wasn’t to blame for being unknowing. That being said, I also didn’t know how to confront him about it yet. I assumed he still wasn’t willing to talk to me in school. So what was the other option? Sneaking about, and hiding what we had from other people? I wasn’t sure if I wanted that. And I didn’t know either what it was that ‘we had’. Everything was just so complicated.

I felt Jonah’s hand on my arm. “Cyrus, don’t worry too much. We don’t know much yet. Maybe everything will turn out fine. I will try and find out more about his parents. Maybe it isn’t like I said at all and he’s just dumb.”

To be honest, I didn’t know what I preferred more at that moment…


	14. Tao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tao:  
_"a Chinese word for the natural order of the universe whose character one's human intuition must discern in order to realize the potential for individual wisdom"_

Were you surprised by Jonah’s wisdom? In time I have learned to stop underestimating him, but even then, sometimes, he surprised me nonetheless. It turned out that after I had come out to him, he had done research about the subject. He hadn’t told me, he had just done it because he wanted to be able to support me as much as possible. In the end he knew even more about the subject than me! Can we take a moment to appreciate the great friend that is Jonah Beck?

Okay, good. Now, let’s get on with the story then.

Although I felt supported by Jonah’s words, and a bit bad about getting angry at TJ, his words still had hurt me the evening before, even if he just didn’t know any better. The fact that he kept ignoring me in the hallway didn’t help either. I’m only human, so I felt some of the annoyance flaring up again. What did he really want from me? Did he only want to use me as an experiment? Did he really like me and wanted to kiss me more? Did he want to learn, or wasn’t he going to bother and live in ignorance? Anyway, he passed me twice that morning before lunch, without even looking at me. If this was how it was going to be for the rest of the year, then I wasn’t so sure about my own feelings and patience.

However, it all changed during lunch. I had tried to ignore any thoughts about TJ, and just enjoy a lunch with Jonah, Andi and Buffy. We talked and laughed about the normal stuff, and it was a great way to distract me from my worries. That is, for the first ten minutes…

Suddenly the whole table went silent, as all eyes were drawn to a tall blond person approaching our group. TJ eyes scanned our group somewhat nervously, but he tried to radiate his act of confidence through his body language. Four pairs of eyes were now looking back at him, all with the same questioning look. Well, at least three pairs out of four were filled with that look. I’m not really sure what emotion my eyes exposed.

Buffy broke the silence. “Yes…, can we help you?”

“Cyrus…dude, can I ask you something?” he said, “It’s something about math. About the homework I have to catch up with.”

I felt Jonah’s eyes now piercing the side of my head, but I refused to answer his gaze.

“Sure, how can I help?” I answered politely, as if I didn’t know him at all, as if his lips had never touched mine. If he wanted to be an actor, so could I.

“Can I, maybe, talk to you in private?” TJ said, and he already turned around to walk away, like he already was sure I would follow him. I should give him credit for his acting skills here. He was looking arrogant and confident as always.

Buffy and Andi were looking at me confused. “Are you tutoring him or something?” Buffy asked. “Why does he ask you?”

“I really don’t know”, I lied, “We have barely talked before.”

I heard Jonah scoff. I gave him a warning look, before I stood up and took my bag. “I’ll just go and ask what he wants from me. Don’t wait for me, I’ll be okay.”

When I walked away from the table, following TJ, I didn’t even dare to imagine the looks on Buffy and Andi’s faces. Jonah probably got interrogated the moment I was out of sight.

TJ and I walked silently through the corridors, until we reached an empty classroom. After TJ had walked in right behind me, and closed the door, soft-TJ immediately appeared. He went from arrogant and confident, to insecure and shy in an instant. It was remarkable. TJ opened his backpack, and reached inside to reveal a brown paper bag, that he offered me. I looked at the bag with a healthy suspicion.

“I’ve bought you something. Please, take it”, he insisted.

I tried to keep my face neutral and, after a moment of hesitation, I took the bag. When I opened it, I saw a muffin sitting inside. I felt touched by the gesture, but I felt it was he that had to the talking. So I only looked up to him with a surprised look, and stayed silent.

“It’s a chocolate chip muffin. I bought it for you. Isn’t that your favorite flavor? If it isn’t I can get you another”, he continued, rambling nervously.

I had to give all my effort into suppressing a smile. Nervous TJ was really endearing to watch. I decided to keep looking at him expectantly, which seem to make TJ even more nervous.

“Okay, Cyrus, you are scaring me a bit now. Can you say something please?” he pleaded. When he noticed I was holding my ground, he looked defeated and he bent his head to the ground. “I’m sorry Cyrus…” he said softly.

That was the only thing I really wanted to hear, so that was the moment to put him out of misery.

“Thank you”, I said.

TJ immediately perked up. “O thank god, I thought you would never talk to me again. But…, what I wanted to say…, I’m really sorry for offending you. You see…, it’s hard for me to explain but I just…, don’t know much about that… stuff. It’s just, um, I…, when I was not here…, I mean before we moved here…, um... Dammit! I had this whole speech prepared and now I can’t remember the right words!” he groaned in frustration.

I took a step forward and put a hand on his chest on his heart. I heard him gulp. “Just use your own words. Talk from here”, I said.

TJ looked at me with wide eyes. “O…, okay. I’ll try. Um… Cyrus, I want to learn. Because I feel like I’ve been left out of a lot of information. And I don’t know a lot of things, because… my parents aren’t really… modern. So, I want to ask you to be a bit patient with me, I guess. And don’t get too angry with me if I say stupid things. It’s just… I never met anyone as amazing as you, but it’s terrifying me, the feelings I have. But I want to try to be a better person. For you.”

Underneath my hand I felt his heart racing. He thought I was amazing? I tried to keep my cool, but I was struggling to hold back my tears. “TJ, don’t try be a better person for me,” I said, “Try to be a better person for yourself. If you don’t love yourself, it’s impossible to really love someone else.”

“Love myself…” he whispered. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“You know, you can start by closing the huge gap between scary-TJ and soft-TJ. Or at least make it a lot smaller. I really like soft-TJ. Why don’t you show other people who you really are? Why do you keep up that act? You’re no bully.”

“Acting like a mean person is easy.” he said. “It’s a way of keeping people at distance. I don’t trust people. If I act mean, I’m not in danger of revealing the real me.”

“But the real you is a great person! Why do you want to hide that side of you?”

I could see TJ weighing his options, contemplating about something. I waited patiently for him to start talking again.

“Look Cyrus, I’m not ready to tell you everything. It’s just too hard for me. But in my past life… I was betrayed. Let’s keep it at that. And now I don’t trust anyone anymore.”

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

He looked at me with an agonizing look. “Cyrus…, my conscious brain is screaming at my heart I can trust you, but my heart is still recovering from the damage that’s been done. There’s always a nagging thought in the back of my head telling me to be careful, even around you. So yes, I trust you with my sane consciousness, but I can’t promise you I won’t say something stupid in an impulsive moment, and neither can I promise you I can share all my feelings with you.”

I felt this was the most I could get at the moment. I think all my four parents would be fascinated by him, and more than willing to use him as research material. For the moment I had to be sure to keep him away from them, because they would almost immediately spot something really off with him.

“Okay, I think I can live with that, for the time being” I said. “But would you please think about loosening up your act a bit? Letting go of scary-TJ? It would really help me if my friends don’t hate your guts.”

He smiled. “I’ll try.” he said. “But for now, could you please not talk about us to other people? Even your friends? I’m not ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, to be honest.”

I sighed. “What do you mean when you say ‘us’? Can you be more specific? Because if it means you keep ignoring me in the hallways, then I’m not sure if I’m okay with that. Besides, my friends are not stupid. They know something is going on.”

TJ looked pained. “I’m sorry Cyrus. I need time. I need time to think. I can’t promise anything at the moment.”

A tense silence filled the room, with me looking hurt (although I really was trying to understand his point of view), and him looking guilty. TJ’s eyes widened suddenly.

“You know, I have an idea!” he said in relief. “I actually _do_ need help with math. Maybe you can help me with that? We can spend time together without anybody asking questions.”

I thought about that for a moment. It was a good idea actually. It gave me some time to try to figure him out some more. And to spend time with him without being scared that he would run away or ignore me seemed like a good option.

“Okay,” I agreed, “I will help you with your math. Let’s start tomorrow, shall we?”

TJ was beaming at me. “Great! How late and where?”

“I have to let you know, because I agreed to meet up with Buffy, Jonah and Andi tomorrow after basketball practice. I can try to reschedule that. Can I, um…, have your phone number? I can send you a message on WhatsApp or Snapchat.”

I felt a bit proud of myself there, for the first time asking a guy for his number. Smooth… However, TJ seemed to think otherwise, because his face fell at my words. He suddenly looked very embarrassed. 

“O, did I… did I say something wrong?” I asked in horror. “Um, if you give me your phone I can put my phone number in your contacts.”

“I-I… don’t have Whatsapp or Snapchat.” TJ said, not looking me in the eyes.

“That’s okay.” I assured him, not understanding why TJ suddenly seemed so uncomfortable. “But at least let me give you my number so we can text.”

Very hesitantly TJ reached deep into his pocket and got out his phone. His hands were trembling a bit, so I reached out to put my hands on his’, to make sure everything was okay. TJ flinched at the contact, almost dropping his phone.

“Don’t!” he yelled. Pinching his eyes closed, he took deep breaths, seemingly to gain control of himself again. Shocked of his sudden outburst, I had taken a step back, looking at him with concern. After about a minute of silence, he seemed to have calmed down again, as he opened his eyes again and looked at me.

“Sorry…” he said softly, breathing out slowly. He then fidgeted with his phone, and handed it to me. “Here, you can put in your number now.”

Curiously I took the phone in my hands. I hadn’t seen anything like it before. It looked…, well… ancient really.

“It’s a Nokia 6070.” TJ answered the question I didn’t ask. “It was very popular… almost fifteen years ago. It works. You can put in your number. We can text.”

I now understood TJ’s embarrassment. Not that I minded a bit what phone he would have, but I knew other kids good be very judgmental about not having the latest gadgets, or phones.

“Cool vintage phone.” I joked while I put in my number. “At least now I know I don’t have to waist time looking for your Instagram account.”

“Yeah…” he said, smiling hesitantly to me. When I gave the phone back to him, he quickly put it back into his pocket. “Okay then, we will… text about tomorrow.” he said.

“We will text.” I confirmed. “Thanks for the muffin. I’ll see you tomorrow TJ.”

“See you Cyrus.” TJ smiled, and he left the classroom, leaving me alone again with my thoughts.


	15. Infaq

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Infaq:  
_"the habitual inclination to give rather than take in life; the basis for charity"_

‘Could you please not talk about us to other people?’

That question remained in my thoughts, after TJ had left me in the empty classroom. I still didn’t know what it was that he wanted me to stay silent about exactly. He himself had come up with the idea of me helping him with math. So there could be no problem with talking about us in public anymore. Did it mean I could say hello to him in the hallway from now on? Or was it just the kissing part that I had to be silent about? And what had the kissing meant to him anyway? Did he like me? I mean…, _like me_ like me? God… why did it all have to be so difficult? Why didn’t he just show up underneath my balcony, a red rose between his teeth, and a guitar in his hands serenading me for the whole neighborhood to hear, and asking me to be his boyfriend?

Yeah, yeah… I know. I can get a bit sappy sometimes. The fantasy has its flaws anyway, because have you ever tried to sing with a thorny rose in your mouth? Never mind…, let’s not get sidetracked.

I did wonder if there was any chance, by some miracle, for us to be boyfriends someday, to walk hand in hand with him through the hallways and to take him to family dinners and kiss him in front of aunt Ruthie. It had been so nice kissing him, and he had been so sweet buying that muffin for me. He even knew my favorite flavor! I groaned internally. This wasn’t a simple crush anymore. I was getting sucked deeper and deeper into it. Maybe I should better focus on one problem at a time, the most prominent one at the moment being Buffy. Jonah is a terrible liar anyway, so there was no doubt I had some explanation to do, and I wasn’t sure how she would take it.

No… who was I kidding, I knew exactly how she would take it…

Anyway, I made it to my next class just in time. Jonah looked at me in expectation. As I sat down I showed him the bag with the muffin.

“He gave you a muffin?” Jonah said excitedly. “That is so cute! And o my god, is it a chocolate chip muffin? He is so in love with you!”

“Shut up…, he’s not in love with me…” I said, although I wasn’t sure of anything at the moment. “He just apologized for what he said to me.”

“And as a bonus bought you a chocolate chip muffin!” Jonah beamed.

“Yeah, all right. What did you tell Buffy and Andi when I ran off?”

“O…” Jonah replied seemingly somewhat unsure of himself. “Not much… Just that you’ve met each other…, um twice…, and that it seems like that he likes you because he’s acting rather jealous.”

“So you told them almost everything?” I asked frowning.

“Um… no…, they don’t know about the muffin.”

“Of course they don’t know about the muffin, I just told _you_, you idiot!”

“No need to be rude… You know I’m not very good at keeping secrets when they’re pressuring me…” Jonah said indignantly.

Yes, it had been a good decision not to tell Jonah about the kissing. Buffy would have bitten my head off…

“It’s all right.” I sighed. “They would have found out anyway, because he did ask me to help him with his math.”

“Ah, smooth! A very credible excuse to have some alone time with him.” Jonah said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

It was a good thing the lesson started to prevent me from saying anything stupid back. It was no use anyway, because I already felt myself blushing. Jonah chuckled next to me.

At the end of the day, and not completely unexpected, we were ambushed by Buffy and Andi on the stairs of the school’s main entrance. Buffy didn’t look too happy, Andi looked a bit insecure.

“When were you going to tell us, Cyrus?” Buffy asked, hands on her hips.

“Tell you what exactly?” I replied, feigning ignorance. I’m not so good at that to be honest with you. Not even close to Jonah at least. So the only thing it did was making me sound like a smartass, agitating Buffy even more.

“You know what! That you’ve been hanging out with that git!”

I tried to stay calm, but I think I only partly succeeded. “Okay, first of all, he isn’t a ‘git’ and his name is TJ. Secondly, I’ve only seen him twice for a short time, it was hardly ‘hanging out’. And thirdly, I think I can decide who I can hang out with by myself.”

Buffy scrunched her nose. “Well I just don’t trust him and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Well, he’s not going to hurt me” I defended myself.

“You don’t know that!” Buffy exclaimed, “Why would he want to be friends with you anyway?”

“O nice, Buffy.” Jonah said sarcastically, joining the discussion.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that, Jonah!” Buffy said angrily, turning her attention to him. “So you’re okay with all this?”

“Yes I’m okay with all this” Jonah said, keeping his voice calm and steady. “Cyrus is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. Besides, he's just helping him with his math. TJ even bought him a muffin today!”

I rolled my eyes at that, Jonah just adding fuel to the fire. That wasn’t helpful… 

“O great!” Buffy exclaimed, “So he’s already bribing him with gifts. The next thing you know is that Cyrus is doing his homework for him.”

Finally I couldn’t hold back anymore, with them talking about me like I wasn't there, so I raised my voice (which is pretty unusual). “Buffy listen, TJ is a nice guy. He doesn’t always know how to show it, but that’s none of his fault. Trust me. Just give him a chance, and maybe you will get to like him just as much as I do!”

I felt the heat creeping up my face after I blurted out that last sentence. Buffy looked at me with an open mouth, completely taken aback, and I felt Jonah’s hand on my arm, trying to calm me down. As we were standing there in de middle of the steps in front of the school, other students were rushing past us. And of course (how could fate even decide differently) this was the exact moment that TJ himself walked by, surrounded by the usual group of people. O god…, how much of that conversation did he overhear?

Buffy eyed TJ while he walked by. She scoffed, a bit too loudly. “Yeah, some nice guy, he doesn’t even acknowledge your existence.”

From the back I saw TJ’s shoulders tensing up. He slowed down a bit, and then he looked back at us. And to be more precise, he had three different looks for us. First he looked at Buffy, with a challenging look on his face. Then he looked me in the eyes with an amused expression, and finally he gave Jonah an evil glare.

Jonah quickly removed his hands from my arm, holding them up with a look of surrender. “Oooo boy…” I could hear Jonah exhale.

I saw TJ smirking at me. “See you tomorrow Cyrus.” he said just loudly enough for us to hear it. He then turned around to catch up with the rest of the group, who seemed to be totally unaware of the exchange. I must have had an incredible goofy smile on my face. TJ had just talked to me in public! I felt so elated, and maybe it also made me a bit cocky, letting me feel brave enough for my next words.

“O yeah, I forgot” I added to Buffy, giving her my most innocent smile, “Just a heads-up, TJ and I are hanging out at The Spoon after basketball practice tomorrow, so I won’t be able to catch up with you.”

Andi giggled. “Maybe you should close your mouth.” she said to Buffy.

So all in all, I think that confrontation ended in victory for me. Buffy grumbled only incomprehensible things after that. And it had cleared one thing up at least. TJ was okay with us talking in public now apparently, or at least in front of my friends. Now _that_ was an interesting development. For the remainder of the day, I was on cloud nine. For the first time, I let the butterflies fly freely around in my body. Maybe there was a chance for us, maybe there was some kind of future. He kissed me, he smiled at me, he even bought me gifts. That wasn’t something I had expected to happen in my life anytime soon, but here I was!

That night, in anticipation of Friday, when I was going to attend basketball practice and hang out with TJ afterwards, I dreamt about dinosaurs, muffins, swing sets, and green eyes with some brown specks in it. Before I had gone to bed, I had sent TJ a text confirming that we were going to hang out, and within minutes he had sent a simple text saying ‘great!’. I felt a bit giddy and nervous about it.

When Friday came, not entirely unexpectedly, Buffy still acted a bit moody. When she has a strong opinion about something, she isn’t one for changing it easily. I could only hope TJ would be nice to her during practice. It would certainly make my life a lot easier. During lunch break, when we were chatting about the usual things, and Jonah was hanging from my shoulder after telling me a joke, the expression on her face was quite amusing when once again, TJ walked up to our table, his backpack hanging loosely over his right shoulder. He smiled at Buffy, who looked to be completely taken aback by it.

“Hi Driscoll, I’ve heard we are going to play three on three during practice. Are you in for a challenge? Ready to get your ass kicked?”

There was no evil in TJ’s eyes, nor any venom in his voice, just a smile and amusement. Buffy clearly had a hard time to find the right words to retort, which is nothing like her normal self.

“You… you… what? Ass kicked? Well, I’m more than ready for that. I mean to kick back. I mean to beat you.” she spluttered.

I could hear Jonah chuckling. I coughed. “Um, I’m looking forward to basketball practice today. I’m sure you will do great!” I said, leaving ambiguous to which basketball player it was directed.

TJ showed a wide smile, and adjusted his backpack for a bit, then ran a hand through his hair. He calmly looked round the table.

“Well see you later then. Cyrus, Driscoll, Mack,” he paused for a moment while looking at Jonah, who still had one hand on my shoulder. “Beck…” he added, suddenly sounding a little menacing.

Jonah hurried again to take his hand away from my shoulder. TJ gave him a grin before he turned around and walked away from the table.

“Jeeeezz…, so possessive already” I heard Jonah mutter. Andi giggled. “Why does he address us with our last names except for Cyrus? You must be special.” Buffy didn’t say anything, but looked pretty displeased, probably because she had made a fool out of herself. I couldn’t help feeling pretty smug, biting into my chicken sandwich. I could hardly wait for all the lessons to be over. This afternoon was undoubtedly going to be interesting…


	16. Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epiphany  
_“a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization”_

Like I said in the previous chapter of this story, I had anticipated an interesting afternoon that day. Well… it sure was interesting, I can’t complain about that…

First of all, there was the basketball practice. Andi, Jonah and I were sitting on the bleachers, watching the team play a three on three, just as TJ already had said would happen. Needless to say, Buffy and TJ were on opposite teams. Where Buffy seemed to take it very seriously, playing very competitively and looking very focused like it was a real match, TJ seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself, goofing around a bit, and laughing with his teammates. I have to say, I had asked TJ to loosen up his act a bit, and I couldn’t have wanted more than this. He really seemed to be a lot happier, and a lot less arrogant. It made him even more handsome than normal, with his smile and his eyes twinkling. At a particular moment, he scored a point from very far off, and he happily cheered, raising his arms in the air. He then found me with his gaze, and smiled even more wide, as if he was happy to impress me.

Jonah leaned in to me. “Very subtle…” he whispered.

TJ’s face fell immediately noticing Jonah leaning in to me, and gave him a very dirty look.

Jonah flew away from me. “I’m not even touching you!” Jonah silently exclaimed at me with an indignant look. “Am I touching you? Tell him I’m not touching you! You know what? Andi, switch places with me.”

Andi looked confused at Jonah. “Um…, why?”

“Because you have to sit between me and Cyrus. Otherwise I will be shot before the practice is over.”

I chuckled a Jonah’s dramatic statement, and I blushed a bit, because it was becoming pretty obvious TJ wasn’t too happy about Jonah being all handsy with me (which, let’s be honest, he was quite a lot…).

In the end, it was Buffy’s team that claimed victory, something she was very pleased about. TJ wasn’t fazed one bit, and generously congratulated her.

“Well played Driscoll! Congratulations! If you play like this next Wednesday it will be an easy win for us.”

Buffy still looked a bit on guard, but probably because she also didn’t seem to find something insincere, she decided to take the invitation offered by TJ, holding his hand up, and gave him a high-five.

TJ then turned his attention to me. “We’re still on for later, Cyrus? I will definitely need your help with math.”

“Sure!” I beamed. 

“Great!” TJ happily replied. “I’ll be back in five minutes, let me fresh up first, and then we can go to the fork!”

I sniggered. “The Spoon” I corrected him.

TJ returned my grin. “Whatever you prefer.”

TJ then turned around, walking to the dressing room with his teammates, who looked at him with amusement, after his interaction with me.

Buffy looked at me intensely. “One chance” she said, before she also made her way to the dressing room.

When about ten minutes later, TJ and I were walking on the street, only the two of us, I almost couldn’t feel any happier. We were talking like normal friends, and he also seemed to be very relaxed, having me around him. Don’t think I had forgotten everything that had happened before. And I was also very aware that there was no way I could consider us ‘normal friends’. Were we ever going to kiss again, I wondered? Should I bring up the topic of kissing? Anyway, I still wanted to figure out a lot about him, as I was very aware that there still were loads of things I still didn’t know. I knew nothing about his background, about his family or his history. Something had led to him behaving badly at first, and I wasn’t so sure we were past all that. But for the moment, I just enjoyed our walk to The Spoon.

As it turned out, my help with his math was indeed very helpful. TJ seemed to struggle with several math problems, and he even seemed to be having trouble to read numbers correctly. Luckily, with a bit of patience, I really could help him forward with some tips and tricks. It was a slow progress, but progress nonetheless. And also with the help of a milkshake, and a plate of baby taters, I was having a great afternoon.

After we had gone through almost ten different math problems, I couldn’t hold in my curiosity anymore. I just had to ask him some personal questions that could reveal some more of the real TJ.

“TJ, what do you think your future will be like in, let’s say, ten, fifteen years?” I asked, while TJ was working on a problem.

TJ looked up from his notebook. “O…, I don’t know exactly. I will probably have a wife and a couple of kids, a nice job and a house. Something like that. And you?”

TJ looked sincere when he gave me his answer. It made me curious how he would assess my future plans.

“I think I want to be married too, and have a couple of kids. Of maybe marry first and wait a couple of years before having children. It’s really weird talking about having children at our age, don’t you think?” I answered him. To be brutally honest, a part of my mind wondered how it would be to marry TJ. But he didn’t consider a future with a man at the moment. Was it because he didn’t want to, or if he didn’t even know it was an option?

TJ grinned at me. “Well, I think the woman you’ll marry is lucky to have you as a husband.”

It was a good thing I had prepared myself mentally for a conversation like this, and I was determined not to get impatient or angry with TJ. But wow…, he kept amazing me with his ignorance.

“TJ, I’m not planning on marrying a woman.” I said.

TJ gave me a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

Yes, he really asked me that question. It didn’t even cross his mind there were alternatives to marrying a woman.

“I intend to marry a handsome man someday.” I said while looking him straight into his eyes.

“O…! Is that…, can you…, is that even legal?” TJ asked me eyebrows raised, showing his sincere surprise.

I couldn’t suppress a snicker. “Yes TJ, a same-sex marriage is just as legal as a marriage between a man and a woman.”

TJ sat back in amazement. “I didn’t know that. Really? But you said you want to have kids. Surely that’s not possible then?”

“There are several ways for a same-sex couple to have kids TJ. There’s adoption, foster care, surrogate mothers. There are loads of options.”

I could almost see the gears turning inside TJ’s head. He was frowning and absentmindedly chewing on his pencil. I knew it would take some time for him, but somehow I had opened up all kinds of new possibilities inside his head for his future. He had assumed, no, learned…, that there was only one option, and now he had to wrap his head around all the new information.

“Um Cyrus, if you don’t mind me asking.” TJ broke the silence.

“Yes?”

“So to be clear..., you um…, you think you’re gay?”

I forced myself not to roll my eyes, or scoff at him. “I don’t _think_ I’m gay TJ. I’m gay. It’s simple as that.”

“O, sure, sure. Um, right. It’s just…you um…, you don’t look gay to me, if I’m honest. And please don’t get angry at me again, but that’s honestly just how I observe it.”

“I won’t get mad at you TJ. Not again.” I sighed. “Because I know you probably can’t help it. But you really haven’t got a clue about the subject of being gay.”

“I…I figured yeah.” TJ said tentatively. “Could you maybe…um, explain a bit? Like, when did you become gay?”

Yep, I was using all my patience here. It was not his fault, I kept telling myself. Not…his…fault…

I took a deep breath. “TJ…, I didn’t _become_ gay. I always was gay. When I was born, I was already gay. You don’t get to choose. You just are. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people like both men and women, and are bisexual.”

“O, okay…, so you never had a girlfriend then?”

I smiled warily thinking back at poor Iris, my girlfriend just before I figured out I was gay. I wondered how she was doing. Never mind, different story.

“I did have a girlfriend actually. Just before I figured out I was gay.”

“You had to figure it out?” TJ asked in surprise.

“Yes there’s no one to tell you, and when I was born I didn’t come with an instruction manual. So yeah, everyone has to figure it out for themselves. When I found out I preferred kissing boys over girls, then I knew for sure.”

“Really…?” TJ replied, with the gears in his mind obviously spinning like mad judging from his expression.

The moment I wanted to ask another question, was also the moment the door opened, and I was introduced to a part of TJ’s background, so to say.

“Thomas, there you are!”

TJ was visibly shocked by the sound of those words, as he shot upright, looking frightfully in the direction of the sound. In the doorway stood a stringent looking woman, dressed in a long grey skirt, and a neat white blouse. She had her blond hair tight up in a bun on the back of her head. On her head was a little black hat and she was carrying a posh looking black purse, as if she was to attend a funeral. The woman walked determinately in our direction.

My mind was racing. Was that… TJ’s mom? Did she just call him Thomas? Was that his real name?

“I’ve been looking for you”, she said to TJ. “Luckily there was this nice girl from your school that told me you’d probably be here.”

“I have a phone mom”, TJ said, sounding not really convincing.

“I don’t need a piece of electronics to find out where my son is, dear. Now come on, you have to help me carry some boxes with books to the church, for the charity event I’m coordinating.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“Don’t be cheeky son. Come on.”

Only at this moment, she seemed to acknowledge my presence. As she turned her head to me, she eyed me from top till toe, looking a little suspicious.

“Well hello. Are you one of Thomas’ new friends?”

I already felt completely uncomfortable in her presence. I tried to put up my most polite smile as I answered her, but I wasn’t really sure it looked all genuine.

“Yes I am ma’am. I’m Cyrus, nice to meet you”, and I extended my hand.

She looked at my hand as if she saw a nasty insect. “That’s a funny name. Were you born in this country?”

The question baffled me. Not ever before in my life had someone asked me that question. “I-I’m born and raised here in Utah, ma’am.”

She looked at me as if she didn’t believe a word I was saying, and I felt incredibly silly, still standing there with my arm extended at her.

“Well… Cyrus, it was… nice meeting you”, and with those words she turned back to TJ. With only a look at him and a nod to the door, she commanded TJ to follow her. As TJ put his things into his backpack and stood up from his seat, he gave me an apologizing look. As he walked after his mother he said to me: “See you later, bro.”

Stunned, I leaned backwards in my chair. _See you later bro_? What on earth was going on here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this story was conceived before the last episode of Andi Mack was aired. As you might realize by now, in this AU-fanfic, there's no way TJ's real name could be anything like "Thelonious Jagger" (as much as I like it...). So I ask for your kind understanding.


	17. Interlude 4

Maybe you felt uneasy about TJ’s mother, just like I did then when I first met her. Maybe she sounded a bit scary to you even. Do you want to know why you and I felt that way? Well…, I have some bad news: because she _is_ scary. She’s about as scary as you can possibly imagine. This story is about to reach a critical stage. The veils are about to be pulled away. The result is disheartening, I can reveal. Devastating maybe, at some point.

But let’s not get ahead of myself. Just know that at this point the story is far from finished. There are a lot more chapters needed to tell you the complete story of what happened to me, what happened to _us_. The moment I’m writing this, everything has already happened of course. I know how it ends. I’m not going to spoil it for you. Do you consider me cruel, keeping you in suspense? I’m really sorry for possibly annoying you. Please stay with me, and with the story. Whatever the outcome will be, it will be worth reading, I promise.

‘Get on with it then!’, you’re probably thinking. Okay, I will. But not before I share a conversation with Jonah again, then we can get on with the story. No…, let me begin with something light and positive. That Friday evening I received a text message from TJ:

“Thanks for helping me Cyrus! I had fun. I’m sorry I had to leave so suddenly. See you on Monday! TJ.”

Somehow, that one text made me feel all giddy inside. That’s the effect TJ had on me already. Of course, I was still very aware that something was off with TJ. I’ve told you that already. However, I was on the brink of finding out what a large part of that ‘off’ involved. After Jonah’s phone call that I was about to receive that evening, that feeling was impossible to ignore anymore. After that crucial conversation, I was feeling this constant tension when I thought about TJ, or talked to him.

I feel a bit bad including you readers in all this, but as you’ve come this far in the story, I think you have the right to know too. And if you’re worried for TJ after reading what I’m about to tell you, well there’s no other way to put it…, you should be.

I was actually surprised seeing my phone screen lighting up, indicating an incoming call from Jonah. He doesn’t call a lot, only when it’s urgent really. I answered it, already having an uneasy feeling.

“Jonah, what’s up?”

“Cyrus, it’s not good news”

“Sorry? What’s not good news?”

“TJ’s mother. That’s not good news.”

“O…, I saw her today. She came for TJ today when we were at The Spoon. She seemed a bit scary, and she doesn’t seem to like me. What do you know about her?”

“O god, you’ve already met her? From now on, you’ve got to stay away from her. I asked my mom if she knows her. She’s bad news.”

“What? Why?”

“She’s a religious lunatic. She showed up in a church meeting a couple of weeks ago, and she’s already trying to force her opinions on other members. And those opinions…, well…, they’re rather extreme.”

It was even worse than I had expected. So TJ _did_ have conservative parents.

“But…? How…? What?”

“Seriously Cyrus, that woman is crazy. She already claimed publicly that Jews want to take over the power in the world, and that homosexuals are to blame for terrorist attacks.”

My blood ran cold and I felt the shivers down my spine. It wasn’t just ‘worse’, it was horribly awfully terrifying.

“O…my…god…” I whispered. “Are you sure it’s her?”

“Unfortunately yes, Cyrus. What are the odds for another Mrs. Kippen to have moved into this town a month ago?”

“But… I’m Jewish..., and gay…”

“Very observant. I don’t think she will like you very much, being a power-hungry terrorist, trying to kiss her son.”

“I’ve already kissed her son…” I said, even before I could think about it.

“You did WHAT?”

“O god, I didn’t want to say that. O please keep your mouth shut about it. TJ will never forgive me.”

“When did that happen anyway?”

“When he visited me in my room. O please Jonah, forget I’ve said that. I promised TJ not to tell anybody.”

Jonah sighed. “Okay I won’t. But you’ve set yourself a challenge there, that’s for sure.”

“But…, what should I do?”

“I don’t know Cyrus. Maybe let TJ confess to his mother he kissed you so she will suffer a heart attack and the problem is out of the way.”

“It’s not funny Jonah! Think about TJ! O my god, think about what he’s going through.”

“Yeah, I know, sorry. Let’s sleep on it okay? This is something we’re not going to solve in a day.”

“Yeah…” I was out of words. I was completely gobsmacked and I didn’t even want to imagine what TJ was going through. I was completely horrified by the news.

“Cyrus? Please, try to get some sleep. We’re going to figure this out okay? I’m there for you.”

“Okay, thanks Jonah.”

“Love you buddy.”

“Love you too…”

And with that the call ended. I sat down on my bed, collecting my thoughts. I suddenly felt very alone. Then I felt bad about feeling alone, because I realized TJ must have felt far worse at that moment, literally having no one to talk to, to really talk to.

Well, apart from me that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try and upload the next chapter as soon as possible! Thanks for leaving kudos and comments!


	18. Profanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Profanity:  
_“blasphemous or obscene language”_

I had the whole weekend to worry about TJ. So I did… I couldn’t help it. Now that I knew more about his mother, some things had begun to make sense, looking at them in hindsight. TJ’s ignorance was now perfectly understandable, and so was his backwards image of gay people. Moreover, the woman seemed to be very cold-hearted, and I tried to picture TJ as a small child, craving for affection and not getting it. No one had ever taken an interest in him, he had said to me at the swings. No wonder he had developed all kinds of emotional issues. It was heartbreaking to think about it. It was even more frustrating realizing that there was nothing I could do.

To try and calm myself down, I made a list in my head of all the things I knew so far:  
1\. I like TJ (yeah, there was no denying to it anymore).  
2\. Most likely, TJ likes me back in some way.  
3\. TJ’s parents are very religious and homophobic.  
4\. TJ hasn’t been educated at all about LGBT-related topics.  
5\. TJ must feel very confused because of feelings that completely contradict everything he’s been taught.  
6\. Something happened in his past that made him closed of from the world  
7\. TJ gets angry easily when he’s confused, and will most likely push everyone away from him.  
8\. If there’s going to be anything romantic between TJ and me, it has to stay a secret.  
9\. If, in the hypothetical case, TJ is ever going to be my boyfriend, I can never meet his parents or his family as such.  
10\. But if I want to try, and win TJ for me, then I must take it very careful, and very slow.

I felt devastated. For the first time in my life, there was this guy, who was interested in me and wanted to kiss me. He was kind, sweet and caring if you really got to know him. Finally there was someone who I could picture being my boyfriend. And then there was this realization that we could never have anything in public. And there were not going to be any normal family holiday’s as a couple. Being a complete sap and romantic fool, I had once dreamt of a wedding in a castle with a beautiful guy, surrounded by all our family and friends, applauding us as were dancing in the center of the dance floor (Yeah I know… I’m hopeless, you don’t have to remind me). But that dream had already shattered, if I were to start anything with TJ. Of course there was also the option of stepping away from TJ, letting him go. But yeah, my brain and consciousness weren’t really cooperating in considering that option anytime soon.

The only thing I could do at the moment, is to show TJ that I cared about him, that he had someone to talk to, someone who would understand him. So I had the intention to look for him again on Monday, and to show him how I felt. If only, if only, if only I had taken my own advice, and had taken things slowly and carefully that day, then everything wouldn’t had fallen to pieces… 

I found TJ that Monday in the same place, and at the same time as the week before. He was the last one in the classroom, listening to a record through his headphones. Like last time, he looked incredibly peaceful. Unlike last time, I decided not to keep staring like a creep, but to notify him about my presence. Slowly I walked towards him in the hope he would notice me. As if he had sensed my presence, he opened his eyes and tilted his head towards me. He then smiled the sweetest smile someone had ever given me. I almost melted right there and then. He gestured for me to come over. Standing in front of him, TJ stopped the record, and put the headphones carefully on my head. He then put down the record player’s arm back to the beginning of the record and started the player again. I vaguely recognized the piano music I was hearing. I must have heard it somewhere before, but I couldn’t remember the name. It was beautiful, delicate and emotional. If only more people got to know this side of TJ, this incredible guy who was enjoying the most beautiful piano music there was. The piece lasted for about five minutes in which I was hypnotized by the music, and by the look that TJ gave me the whole time. When it ended, I took off the headphones.

“That was beautiful” I said softly. “What is it called?”

“It’s _Claire de Lune_ by Claude Debussy.” TJ answered smiling.

“Can you play that yourself?” I asked.

TJ smiled shyly. “I’m trying. Not as beautiful as this though.”

I cocked my head, completely amazed and overwhelmed by TJ. His look changed into something more serious. He took the headphones from my hands and put them down on the table. He then was looking deeply into my eyes, like he was asking permission. With a smile and a tiny nod I gave it. He then laid his hands on my shoulders and pushed me very gently against the table. Very slowly he leaned into me. At first our lips touched very hesitantly, but when I wrapped my arms around his waist, he pushed them against me with more pressure. I opened my mouth a bit and gave him permission to deepen the kiss, an opportunity he gladly accepted. It was my first real kiss, with open mouths, and tongues touching and exploring. It was loving, blissful and all the things I had ever wanted.

In a bold move, I reached below his hoody and shirt with one of my hands, for the first time touching the bare skin of his back. TJ made a growling noise in my mouth, and started kissing me even more eagerly. I felt his hands exploring my back, pressing me against him, and he copied my action, by moving one hand underneath my shirt. The other hand on my back was moving downwards, while his kissing started to become more and more passionate. I felt incredibly excited and a bit scared at the same time. I then realized this was getting a bit out of hand. Something had shifted. We were definitely about to cross some kind of boundary. This was too much too soon. My realization was also too late, because I clearly felt my body reacting by all the hormones in a way that teenage-boys-bodies tend to react in that kind of situation. More important, firmly pressed against TJ’s body, I felt him, well…, reacting too, one body part in particular. It took him five seconds more than I did to register what was happening. Suddenly his eyes flew wide open and he jumped backwards, away from me. He failed to keep his balance and stumbled to the floor. He remained still on his hands and knees, breathing heavily, looking at the ground. I was completely overtaken by all the excitement, and the shock of TJ’s reaction, that I also had difficulty catching my breath, and containing my heartbeat. Both of us were frozen in time, trying to comprehend what just happened, or what could have happened even. After a minute of trying to regain my composure, I looked at TJ, who was still in the same position. I was afraid of his reaction, but the only way to solve the awkwardness was to talk about. So I got down on my knees in front of him, and laid my hand on his shoulder.

“TJ, sorry but…”

TJ flinched so heavily from my touch that I almost lost balance myself. “Don’t!” he yelled. “I can’t…, this isn’t…! Stay away from me!”

In horror I looked at his face. I knew that face, I had seen it before. It was the face belonging to the TJ that had screamed to stay out of his life, it was the face that had pushed me against the lockers, trying to intimidate me. It was scary TJ. It was as if Dr. Jekyll had turned into Mr. Hyde, as if Bruce Banner had turned into the Hulk. It really was scary seeing him transform so quickly. I knew I had to try to get him out of his angry mood. I had done it before, I just had to find the right words and stay calm myself. And that was easier said than done, with a body filled with raging hormones myself.

“TJ, calm down please. Breath. Count to ten.” I tried.

“Shut up Cyrus, I’m not having a panic attack, just stay away from me.” TJ angrily replied.

First mistake: instead of retreating, I moved closer, leaning towards him, trying to look him in the eyes. TJ immediately scrambled to get back on his feet, taking two steps backwards to get away from me.

“I said, stay away from me!” TJ said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t understand TJ. I just want to comfort you.” I said hurtfully. That was the second mistake. I just lied to myself. I was being selfish. I _did_ understand his complete confusion. I just wanted to go back to having him in my arms. And that’s not what TJ needed at the moment.

“I don’t need your comfort right now.”

“But I know what you’re going through!” I said, which was my third mistake. Although I understood his feelings to some degree, I underestimated them heavily.

“You don’t know a thing Cyrus!” TJ spat at me. “You don’t know what happened.”

“Enlighten me then. Tell me. Make me understand.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Third mistake: I was prying.

“It has nothing to do with trust Cyrus. Don’t keep pushing me.”

“I just want to know how to help you!”

“I don’t want your help!” TJ suddenly yelled.

I was taken aback by him screaming at me. “Excuse me?” And there was my fourth mistake: my emotions had overpowered me. I got really aggravated myself.

“I. Don’t. Want. Your. Help.” TJ repeated himself.

“You don’t have to do everything by yourself TJ!” I yelled in frustration.

“Yes I do! You don’t understand. I don’t need you!”

Ouch… That hurted. That hurted very much. He didn’t need me.

“Well I’m sorry I care about you. I’m sorry I wanted to help you.”

“Help me? You didn’t help me. I was getting my life back on the line again Cyrus. And then you came, and you…, you ruined everything! Now I’m all confused and my brain is completely messed up!”

“I ruined everything?”

“Yes you ruined everything! With all your gay talks, and your gay moves and your gay friends!”

“Well excuse me! You were the one to kiss me first!”

“And I told you to stay away from me after that! My life is hard enough without you messing things up even more!”

“So you wish I left you alone? You really wish that?”

“Yes I wish that Cyrus! I wish you had left me alone. Not everyone’s like you. You can’t change everything. You can’t change me. I don’t want to be changed.”

“You don’t want to be changed? You mean you don’t want to be happy?”

“O shut up Cyrus. You don’t know anything about my happiness. Just because you can be your faggy self all of the time doesn’t have to mean you have to shove it down my throat!”

The bomb had been dropped. It was the silence after the explosion. The moment you just knew everything had tilted. All was lost. I had just lost him, I was sure.

“My faggy self?” I repeated trembling. “My faggy self?”

TJ looked at me with determination and fear. He paused for a moment.

“Yeah…” he said.

All the energy had suddenly drained from my body. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to be home, in my bed, to cry and sleep. “Go away TJ.” I whispered, feeling completely broken.

TJ remained rooted on the spot. Staring at me blankly.

“Go away TJ.” I repeated, but louder. I raised my head to look him in the eyes. He was all blurry because of all the tears streaming down my face.

“Go! Away!” I yelled at him.

My mind went blank, just as my vision and my hearing. I didn’t register anything for a while. The emotions drained from me violently and I collapsed on the floor sobbing heavily. After I don’t know how long, I felt two arms engulfing me, and a voice whispering reassuring sounds. Who was this? Was it TJ? No it wasn’t, he smelled different. This person smelled more familiar, more safe.

I clung on to Jonah like a baby koala bawling my eyes out and covering his shoulders with my tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To calm down, I encourage you to listen to _Clair de Lune,_ of course :-).


	19. Dharma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dharma:  
_“essential quality or character, as of the cosmos or one's own nature”_

_Fail. Fail. Fail._

There was no stopping my brain.

_Fail. Fail. Fail. Failure. You’re a failure._

I had made thing too intense. I hadn’t followed my own advice. I had pushed TJ, I had pried, I had been selfish, I had let the emotions get the better of me.

I had failed…  
I had failed monumentally.  
I had failed catastrophically and now I had lost the guy who I had a chance with.

I felt sick to the bones. I mean, I felt physically sick from everything that had happened. So I decided to stay home on Tuesday. I’m never sick, and I really must have looked terrible, because I didn’t have to convince my mother at all to call school, and tell them I was not attending classes that day.

It had taken Jonah more than fifteen minutes to calm me down that Monday. As it turned out, being the caring friend that he is, he had waited for me at the main entrance to make sure everything was okay. He had of course caught on to my intentions when I had said that he could go home without me. When he had almost lost his patience, a very distraught TJ, storming out of school, tears in his eyes, had startled him. It hadn’t taken Jonah long to find me.

Still trembling from everything that had happened, I had told Jonah everything. I told him how I had the greatest moment in my entire life, and I told him how I messed up after that. And, after some considerable hesitation, I also told him what TJ had said. Jonah paled immediately, after which his ears turned red. As a consequence, I was the one trying to get him to calm down. I think he was furious with TJ, but he tried to keep it in the best as he could, not adding more fuel to my anxiety.

That night, I started to feel sick. I couldn’t get my brain to shut up. It just kept on repeating the same words over and over again. I had failed, and now the guy who had liked me, must hate me. What an idiot I had been. TJ had said he didn’t need me and he had called me a…, well…, _that_. So surely, he hates me now. And after a night without almost any sleep, I decided there was no way I could force myself to go to school. Luckily, my mother didn’t ask too many questions, and just called me in sick.

A day in bed, alone with my thoughts, didn’t really help at all. It didn’t make me feel any better. In the afternoon, Jonah stepped by to bring me my homework, and all the notes he had taken. After he had put everything I needed on my desk, he looked intently at me.

“Cyrus…, you can’t keep avoiding him you know.”

I mumbled something inaudible back from my current position in my bed. Jonah eyed me for a moment, and then walked over to me and sat down on the side of the bed.

“Cy…, tomorrow morning I will come and pick you up on my way to school. We will go together, and, if necessary, we will face him together. He has to see you, and you have to see him.”

“No we don’t…” I mumbled.

Jonah put his hand on my shoulder. “I have been thinking, okay? I’m still mad at him for calling you that. But, I can also understand why he’s all angry and confused. I think, in the end, he cares for you, and you care for him.”

I huffed. “Can you please tell my brain then?”

“Cyrus…” Jonah sighed. “It’s important we don’t let him fall back into old habits. In a short period of time, he has changed a lot because of you. If you two are going to avoid each other, he _will_ fall back. And you know what happens then?”

I looked at him questioning.

“His mother wins.” Jonah continued. And suddenly I felt even more sick than before. Jonah looked me straight into the eyes. “If you care for him, you have to save him. I’m not so sure if he can save himself.”

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto my pillow. With my hands I covered my face and I groaned dramatically.

Jonah sympathetically patted my knee before he got up from the bed. “I’ll be here tomorrow at eight in the morning. You’d better be ready. And remember, the basketball team will play against Rock Springs, so we have to be there anyway for Buffy.”

Yeah, that didn’t make me feel any better at all. The prospect of seeing him playing again filled me with dread. But Jonah was probably right, like most of the time. Did I care for him? Yes… I obviously did. Did I want his mother to win? Not in a million years. So I just had to man up, I figured.

Next morning, as bad as I felt, I found myself in front of the school, next to Jonah. It felt like a déjà vu. I had to find TJ, and get him to talk to me. As it turned out, we really were back to square one, so it seemed. TJ was nowhere to be found, only entering the classroom at the last possible moment, and leaving at the first opportunity. He nowhere near looked into my direction, and radiated his old air of arrogance and confidence. As I deflated more and more, Jonah got all worked up about it. I mentally prepared for the moment Jonah would blow up in the middle of class, making a scene. I could only hope he wouldn’t humiliate me like that.

Needless to say, Buffy had caught on to both our foul moods. She confronted us during lunch break. “Okay, what happened Cyrus? Does this have anything to do with TJ?”

“No!” I hurried to answer. Buffy looked at me very skeptically. “Yes…” I mumbled.

“He had _one_ chance! O god, I swear I’m going to kick his ass. How did he hurt you?” Buffy said.

“No Buffy…” I tried to interrupt weakly.

“I told you he was no good. You know what, I’m going to punch him in the face right now.” And with that, she started to stand up from he seat.

“NO! _I_ messed up!” I yelled at her, loudly enough for all the students in the canteen to hear. And that probably also included one particular dirty blond boy with green eyes, currently seated somewhere on the other side of the room.

Buffy sat back down again in silence, taken aback. “What’s exactly going on here?” she said after a pause.

I looked at her with pleading eyes. “I will tell you later okay? Everything is fine. Please just let it go. I just need you to play well during the game, together with TJ. Can you do that?”

“Okay then.” Buffy gave in. “But if you need my help, you know I’m there for you.”

“Thanks Buffy. But first, I’ll be there for you, during the game. Go Jefferson!” I forcefully cheered.

Buffy shook her head, and smiled, and we continued our lunch break without further argument. In silence I breathed a sigh of relief.

After all the lessons, Jonah, Andi and I were seated on our usual spots on the bleachers. I felt incredibly uneasy. This was the same spot and same occasion where it all had begun. It was already two weeks ago when I had first looked into TJ’s beautiful eyes, and had seen a world of pain, fear, confusion and kindness.

In comparison with last time, the team played somewhat better. TJ’s attitude was almost the same, but at least he played together with Buffy, passing her the ball. Other than that, he still looked rather angry, and like last game, gave out orders to teammates, much to Buffy’s annoyance. It was frustrating to watch. TJ had been so happy during last Friday’s practice, playing that three-on-three, and now, like Jonah had predicted, he had fallen back into old habits. And Jonah himself had gotten even more visually aggravated about TJ’s behavior. He was frowning, and angrily mumbling words to himself. It didn’t make me feel better at all. Why was I here anyway? I really felt out of place. If it wasn’t for Buffy playing, I had already left, and called it a loss.

From an objective spectator’s point of view it would have been an exciting game. The teams were evenly matched, and until the last moment, the score was balanced. The tension in the gym was palpable, as it wasn’t clear at all who would win. As the game got on, there was an increasing amount of fouls, and both teams got more and more determined and focused to claim victory. In the last ten seconds, our home team was behind by only one point. It was Buffy who managed to get hold of the ball at that moment, and there was only one player standing in a position to score potentially. Buffy passed TJ the ball, and without much looking, he turned and threw to ball in the direction of the basket. The moment the buzzer sounded, was the moment that our team claimed victory.

The gym exploded with cheers and other noises. Students ran down from the bleachers to celebrate a memorable win. Even I had forgotten my misery for a moment and was cheering. From the corner of my eyes, I could see a familiar girl running onto the field, throwing herself into TJ’s arms. As Alicia kissed his cheek, he threw her arms around her waist. And as I crashed down on my seat in defeat, Jonah exploded next to me.

“O hell no. No, no, no, no, no!” Jonah angrily said while he sprinted down the stairs towards the field.

“Jonah, no! Wait! Please!” I cried, running after him, but failing to keep up.

Jonah seemed to be in daze while he ran onto the field, finding his way between all the players and students, until he was face to face with TJ, his arm still around Alicia.

“Move!” Jonah spat at the girl who looked at him in shock, and took two steps away from him.

“You!” Jonah said angrily, pointing aggressively at TJ’s chest. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare make Cyrus miserable!”

TJ initial surprise made way for anger. “Stay out of it Beck! You don’t know a thing!”

“I know enough! I know how miserable Cyrus has been for the last two days! I know how happy he can be. I know you can make him happy! Make him happy, you asshole. Make him happy. Choose him!”

Finally I managed to pull Jonah away from the scene. I wasn’t able to make any eye contact with TJ, because he had already turned around and walked angrily in the direction of the dressing room, leaving Alicia behind in confusion. As Jonah was still recovering from his outburst, I suddenly felt myself being pulled into a hug by Buffy. She had sensed that the roles were reversed for the moment. With Jonah now being the angry friend, Buffy had effortlessly taken the task of comforting me. She held me tight while I tried not to cry. “It’s okay Cyrus. He will come round”

“TJ or Jonah?” I asked, muffled by her shoulder.

“Both of them.” she answered. I did my best to believe her, and I somehow felt slightly better.

Considering the circumstances, I decided to skip our meeting at The Spoon. I just didn’t feel like it. I needed space from everyone, and time to think. So on my own, I walked to the spot that I usually visited when I wanted to think things through.

The moment I saw the swings, I froze up. TJ was sitting in one of them. I hadn’t expected to see him there. He looked utterly miserable. His head and shoulders were hanging. He was sitting in exactly the same swing he had sat when we were having our first real talk. With his left hand, he was pushing the other empty swing next to him, as if he was pretending there was someone on it. Without the weight of a person on it, the seat was moving chaotically, and refused to swing orderly from one side to another. After a couple of pushes, TJ shoved it violently, and put his head both in his hands.

I couldn’t bare the sight anymore. I had done that. I had made him miserable. I had failed. And then he had used that terrible word. I was about to turn around when in shock, I saw TJ looking at me, scared, and with his eyes wide open. I stared back at him for a moment. All courage drained from me. I wasn’t ready for a confrontation. What if I messed it up again? What if I just made him angry again? I couldn’t have that. Not yet at least. I felt like a coward. Bending my head, I turned around and walked away.

At home, although my mother didn’t ask too much questions, I sensed that she knew something was really wrong. Being a therapist, she apparently decided not to start an interview and a treatment plan right away, for it not being the right time, but I just knew that it wouldn’t take long for her to start questioning my mood and social life. For today, I managed to convince her I was still tired, and I wanted to go to bed early.

In my room, I changed into my favorite dinosaur pajama bottoms and white shirt, and threw myself on my bed. It had been an exhausting day, and I hadn’t gotten any closer to a solution for my emotional distress. Maybe Jonah’s idea of seeing each other hadn’t been such a great idea after all.

I closed my eyes, and tried to clear my head by concentrating on the silence of the evening, when suddenly, but very distinctively, there was a soft knock on my balcony door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for you continuous support! I love reading your comments!


	20. Mazel Tov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mazel Tov:  
_“a Jewish phrase used to express congratulations for a happy and significant occasion or event”_

I had to force myself not to start panicking. I concentrated on my breathing. Did I imagine it? Was TJ really standing outside of my door? Did he come all the way to my house again, to see me? Was he going to be angry with me again? Did he come to say he never wanted to see me again? No, even to myself that seemed to sound silly. Okay... I just had to be brave. Just, whatever was going to happen, I had to face it.

I took a deep breath and got up from bed. With a couple of steps I was in front of my balcony door. After a last moment of hesitation I unlocked and opened it. Without even looking, I walked back to my bed and sat down. I studied the carpet intently. I heard TJ coming in, and he very carefully closed the door. Then it stayed silent for a long time. I heard him moving towards me, and I felt the bed dipping when he sat down next to me.

After about a minute, he broke the silence. “Cyrus? Please don’t send me away yet. I know you must hate me. But let me talk first okay? After that, you can tell me to go, and say you never want to see me again if that is what you want. But first… let me… explain.”

I was already surprised by his words, and the tone with which he had said it. He sounded scared. He genuinely seemed to think I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. And I was thinking just the opposite. I thought he hated _me_ and he never wanted to have anything to do with me anymore, but hearing him now, I wasn’t so sure.

“Cyrus…I…” he started. And after a long pause: “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I had it all clear in my head two weeks ago, and now it’s all just… a mess.”

For the first time I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. He sat there, next to me, looking completely distraught, his hair a bit of a mess.

“Meeting you…” he continued, staring at the ground, “has changed everything for me, again… And that’s so fucking scary. The feelings I have, they… they are so intense and confusing. And they’re conflicting with all that I know… that I’ve learned. You know, I’ve kissed a girl twice in my life. Twice… And I mean, a proper kiss. Just like… you and I did on Monday. And you know what I felt when I kissed those girls? A bit proud of myself maybe, a bit confident… that’s about it. But when _we_ kissed it was just… overwhelming. You don’t make me feel confident. You make me feel like a mess. You make my body react like it has a mind of its own. I’ve never ever felt that way before. It’s all new and I have to process all these new feelings. And I don’t think those feelings are bad, that’s what I have to keep telling myself anyway, but the intensity is so fucking scary.”

TJ paused for a bit, like he was regaining his strength after his intense confession. He shuffled a bit with his feet, before he looked up to me.

“Cyrus, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry for what I said. You have to believe me. I thought of bringing you a muffin again, but yeah… that didn’t feel like enough. I just got so scared while we were kissing when I felt how we both... um… reacted. It’s so far off from what I’m ready for… And then my brain short-circuited. I know it’s not a real excuse to justify what I said to you, but sometimes, when I’m confused, I get so angry.”

After TJ’s words and apologies, there was no way I couldn’t hope for everything to get better. But there was no way he was taking all the blame himself. I felt so immensly guilty for treating him the way I did. So I took a very deep breath.

“TJ… I’m so sorry myself. I failed you and I hate myself for it. I did all the wrong things, and I’m so sorry about that. I made things to intense, I pried…, I just pushed all the wrong buttons.”

TJ stared ahead of him for a while, then looked at me again, the corners of his mouth very hesitantly lifting. “Yeah…, you could say that. I have some… issues, as you may know by now. Anger issues, anxiety issues, panic attacks…, the whole shebang really. It’s one of the main reasons I try to keep people away. When I’m losing myself…, you’ve seen the way I’m reacting sometimes. And you… I just can’t keep you away from me. I don’t _want_ to keep you away from me. But that’s scary at the same time, because then there’s always the chance you will experience me in one of my… weak… moments. And… I don’t want to hurt you, but if I’m having one of my moments, I can’t always vouch for my own behavior. So I just want to say, I’m sorry when that happens. But you can never fail me. You have to know that I think you’re amazing, and that I really like kissing you. But for the time being without… you know…”

Those words were enough to make a blushing mess out of the two of us.

“I’m sorry too.” I mumbled. “I will try to do better. I… I like kissing you too, and I think you’re pretty amazing yourself.”

TJ smiled at me. O, he looked so much more handsome smiling. There and then I decided I had to make him smile more often.

“Jonah knows, doesn’t he?” he suddenly asked.

I didn’t need to ask what he meant by that. “Yeah…, he knows…” I answered.

TJ bit his bottom lip, looking somewhat insecure. “Did…um, did he say the truth Cyrus?” TJ asked.

“About what?”

“About how I can make you happy? Is that true? Am I the one who can make you happy? Really happy?”

I fidgeted with my hands, looking at the ground. “Yeah…” I answered in barely more than a whisper.

TJ stayed silent for a moment. He then moved his body from the bed, until he was on the floor on both his knees in front of me. He very carefully took my hands.

“Cyrus? Could you please look at me when I say this?”

I wiped away a tear from my eye, before I took a breath and looked him into his beautiful green eyes.

“Cyrus. If that is the truth, if I am the one that can make you happy, I’m willing to risk anything for it. Anything. I promise. I will do the best I can to make you the happiest boy on the planet. I’m aware I don’t know all there is to know. But I will read everything I can, I will learn all there is to learn, I will work on my issues. And I will be with you when I can. Okay? I’m still scared about everything, but I’ll try to be brave. For you.”

I nodded at TJ. I felt completely overwhelmed, and in no way able to respond, because the tears were streaming down my face.

“O Cyrus, don’t cry. Please be happy. I want you to be happy.”

TJ got up and placed his knees on the bed, straddling me while he hugged me fiercely. I clung onto his body, my hands grabbing his hoody while I buried my head in his shoulder.

“I am happy now…” I whispered in his hoody. I felt his hands grabbing my shirt firmly.

“Cyrus?” TJ asked softly into my ear.

“Yeah?” I croaked.

“Be my boyfriend?”

Was I delusional? Was this really happening? Did he just ask me to be his boyfriend? I pulled back from him and looked at him in disbelief with my teary eyes. TJ smiled at me, as if he was reading my mind.

“Yes, I did indeed just ask you to be my boyfriend. Now if you don’t mind, I would very much like to have an answer to that question. A positive one, preferably.”

I threw myself at him, crashing our mouths together, kissing the life out of him. TJ chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a yes then.” he said grinning while he gently pushed me backwards on my bed. Carefully, to make sure not make too much physical contact in order to avoid another awkward moment, he positioned himself next to me, facing me. For a moment we were just looking into each other’s eyes, savoring the moment. I felt completely in awe of TJ, and I couldn’t believe my luck.

“Cyrus?” TJ whispered.

“Hm?”

“To be honest with you, I don’t have a clue how to be a boyfriend.”

I chuckled. “That’s okay, I don’t know either. We’ll figure it out along the way. The only thing I know is that you have to kiss me on a regular basis.”

“Ah! That I can do.” TJ replied, immediately giving me a peck on the lips. I couldn’t wipe the smile of my face, even if I had wanted to. TJ’s eyes were shining, and he genuinely looked happy himself at the moment. We stayed there on the bed, giving each other small kisses.

“Cyrus, can I ask you one more thing?” TJ asked, suddenly looking a bit hesitant again.

“Yeah.”

“Do you… do you think I’m gay?”

Curiously I looked into TJ’s eyes, showing his vulnerability. With my thumb I caressed his cheekbone. “It doesn’t matter what I think.” I said softly.

“It doesn’t?” TJ replied. “But…um, can you at least let me know what you think? I want to know.”

I propped myself up on my elbow, thinking about what to tell him. “TJ…, from the way you have kissed me I can at least assure you that you’re not one hundred percent straight. But then again, I don’t think anyone is.”

TJ smiled. “I figured that one out yes. But does that make me gay?”

“No it doesn’t. And again, it really doesn’t matter. You don’t have to put a label on yourself when you’re not comfortable with that. There’s only one important label, and that’s just who you are: TJ. You’re just TJ. You’re a kind, caring and handsome person. You only have to stay true to yourself.”

“You think I’m handsome?” TJ smirked.

I rolled my eyes. “Obviously. You think I let myself getting kissed by just some random person?”

TJ looked at me fondly. “Well, I think you’re the cutest boy I’ve ever seen.”

I blushed heavily at those words. TJ stayed silent for a bit before he spoke again. “But… you use that label. You say you’re gay. Are you comfortable with that then?”

I had to think about that for a moment. “Yeah, you’re right I think. Most of the time I’m comfortable with the label. But when people make assumptions about me, that are based on that label, then I can get frustrated.”

“Just like what happened when I made assumptions last week, I think?”

“Yes, just like that. The label ‘gay’ doesn’t define me. It’s just a part of me. You know, sometimes labels can make you feel not so alone. You feel like part of a group. It can be helpful. And for others, labels just don’t work. Don’t feel obligated to stick a label onto yourself. Just be who you are.”

TJ looked intently at me. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

And again, I blushed, thinking this must be the happiest moment in my life.

“Cyrus, one more thing.”

I instinctively knew what was coming. I already felt a pit in my stomach thinking about it.

“Nobody can know” he continued. “My parents… they can’t ever find out about us. If that happens… It’s… dangerous.”

I could only stay silent at that. Of course this wasn’t news to me. But it felt so unfair. I couldn’t share my happiness with anyone. It was so frustrating.

“Cyrus, I’m sorry. I know you’re not happy about it, and that breaks my heart. But it’s the only way, I’m afraid. Okay?”

I nodded in defeat. TJ wrapped his arm around me, snuggling his nose in my neck. I shivered from the feeling. “I’m so lucky” he whispered. He then groaned. “I have to go home. If they find out I’m gone, there will be massive trouble. It sucks…”

After kissing my neck, TJ reluctantly got off my bed. He patiently waited until I was again seated on the edge of my bed. He bent over and kissed my lips one last time. “Bye boyfriend, see you tomorrow.”

He then turned around and opened the door to the balcony. He faced me one more time. “Cyrus, how much do you trust Jonah?”

I looked up to him in curiosity. “With my life” I said in all honesty.

“Tell him.” TJ said, smiling reassuringly. And after that, the stepped outside, and carefully closed the door.

I was in complete awe of the events of the past hour. I got a boyfriend! TJ had asked me to be his boyfriend! Suddenly I felt the urge to see him one more time that night, and I jumped from the bed to the window. I could just spot him reaching ground level again, before he jumped on his bike. I pressed my hands and nose to the window and exhaled in happiness. I watched TJ as he was cycling away from me in the darkness.

I nearly got a heart attack when I turned around and I saw my mother standing in the doorway, staring at me with an undecipherable look.

“Cyrus, why was there a boy climbing down from your window?”

Well shit…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter :-). I would love for you to leave a comment about your thoughts!


	21. Interlude 5

I hope you’re happy with how the story is developing so far. Fortunately it had taken a turn for the better. I can still recall the happy feelings I had when TJ asked me to be his boyfriend. So, you might ask, is this the happy ending we were all hoping for? Is the story finished? Well, I can only say we’re not at the end yet. There’s more to come. Before we go any further, first some conversations again. One very awkward one with my mother, as you might already have expected, but let’s save that one for last. The first one I’ll share with you is a text from TJ.

**TJ**  
Safe at home! Sleep well Cyrus :-)

**Cyrus**  
:-)  
You too!  
Did that really happen tonight?

**TJ**  
You bet it did.  
Boyfriend.  
<3

**Cyrus**  
<3  
Boyfriend…  
See you tomorrow  
X

**TJ**  
XXXXXXX

After that text chat, for the life of it, I couldn’t get the smile of my face. I hugged my phone to my chest and laid back on my bed, closing my eyes, and replaying the events of that evening in my head.

Before I received TJ’s text, there was one from Jonah. I hadn’t seen him anymore after the game had ended. We had awkwardly hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. Thinking about it now, he must have been feeling awful. He probably thought he had ruined everything by pushing both TJ and me. It was no surprise he reached out to me that evening.

**Jonah**  
I’m sorry about today…  
I just couldn’t control myself.  
Please forgive me Cy?

**Cyrus**  
It’s okay  
Everything worked out fine in the end

**Jonah**  
?  
What do you mean?  
Is there something I don’t know?  
O my god, what happened?

**Cyrus**  
Relax Jonah  
I will tell you tomorrow

**Jonah**  
No!  
Tell me now!  
Did you two meet?

**Cyrus**  
Maybe  
Goodnight Jonah!  
See you tomorrow  
:-)

**Jonah**  
No no no! You can’t leave it like that!  
Cyrus?  
Please?  
What happened?  
Cyrus!!

I grinned at Jonah’s desperation. Was I being mean? Maybe… It felt like a bit of a payback. And besides, he would find out anyway in the morning. TJ had allowed me to tell him. Thank goodness for that by the way. At least I could share my happiness with one other person.

O, that’s not entirely true of course… It brings us back to the moment TJ had just left my room, and my mother was standing in my bedroom.

“Cyrus, why was there a boy climbing down from your window?”

Anxiously, my brain weighed all the options. Denial maybe?

“I saw him climbing down the drainpipe and getting on his bike” my mother added. (No, denying didn’t seem to be an option.)

I could try to lie of course, not that I was any good at it.

“And please don’t lie.” (Okay lying just got a bit more difficult.)

I could tell her that it was Jonah goofing around.

“It clearly wasn’t Jonah…” (Dammit…)

Um, maybe try to convince her it was a burglar trying to get in?

“And why were you so happy looking after him?” (Sigh…, I give up)

Better just rip off the band aid then… “That… was my boyfriend.” I said, looking anywhere but my mother.

“O!” my mother replied in surprise. “How…um…. and how long has that been going on then?”

I took a look at the alarm clock on my bedside table. “To be precise, twelve minutes.” I answered.

My mother studied me for a moment, probably trying to detect if I was being a smartass or just sincere. She then walked over to my bed and sat down, at the same spot that TJ had sat not so long ago. She patted down beside her. Nervously I sat down.

“Tell me about him.” my mother said, making me look up to her in surprise. She didn’t sound angry.

“Um… His name is TJ, he just moved here a couple of weeks ago…, he’s tall, has great eyes, he plays basketball, and he’s very sweet. And… he likes me, I think, and tonight he asked me to be his boyfriend.” I nervously rambled.

My mother shook her head in amusement. “Well don’t you sound smitten. How much do you like him?”

“Very much…” I said softly.

“And why didn’t he come in through the front door?” my mother asked.

I took a moment to think about my answer. It was a complicated story, and I wasn’t ready to share that with my mother. Not to mention the fact that TJ himself probably would never be ready to share the story with anyone.

“It’s… a bit difficult. He has some issues at home. His parents are religious, and he’s just figuring out himself. He’s very… apprehensive about the situation at the moment, but he asked me anyway. At the moment, he doesn’t really want to share his feelings with anyone but me.” I answered.

My mother frowned at me. “Are you sure he doesn’t use you as an experiment to figure out his own sexuality?”

Yep, that’s the kind of conversation you get when you have a therapist for a mother. Not awkward at all… I fumbled with a loose thread on the hem of my shirt. “Yes… I’m pretty sure he does like me very much. It’s more that he’s a bit confused how to label himself. He doesn’t know much about… um… the label thing.”

“Hm. I’m happy for you dear. You deserve someone who makes you happy. But I don’t like the secrecy. Next time he visits you, he uses the front door, and you will introduce him to Todd and me. I want to see the boy who stole my son’s heart.”

I blushed heavily at that. I wasn’t so sure if TJ would like it when I was going to tell him this.

“And Cyrus” my mother continued, “Now we’re on the topic of experimenting.”

I looked at her in horror and held up my hands in defense. “No, no, no. We’re not talking about that mom! Not now!”

“Don’t do anything you’re not ready for yet!” she went on stoically.

“Mom!”

“And when you’re doing things…”

“MOM!”

“Do it safe.”

I held my head in my hands, and tried to pretend this conversation wasn’t happening.

“I will take a look in my library and find a book for you with the right advises and instructions for two boys together. And you will going to read it.”

“Mom…” I mumbled weakly.

“Or I could read it myself of course, and lecture you two about it.” my mother smiled.

“NO! I will read it! I promise!” I said with a bright red head, completely horrified.

My mother looked at me happily, and maybe a bit smug. “Well, time for bed dear. Remember, next time, I want to meet TJ, and when he’s here, the door to your room stays open. Goodnight!”

After my mother exited my room and closed the door, I crashed onto my bed, covering my eyes with my hands. With a guttural grunt I tried to diffuse some of the frustration about that latest topic. Now I had to tell TJ my mother wanted to meet him, and give us some advice about subjects I was sure we were both not ready to talk about yet. I tried to push the thought aside, and leave the worries for another day. Luckily, after that, the texts from both Jonah and TJ distracted me enough to have a good night’s sleep, and to look forward to seeing TJ, pardon…, my boyfriend again the next day.

Now, let’s get on with the story again. I have a lot to tell you about the next days at school!


	22. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reality:  
_the sum or aggregate of all that is real or existent, as opposed to that which is only imaginary_

The next morning, when I came into the kitchen to enjoy breakfast after a blissful night of sleep, filled with even better dreams, my mother and stepdad were already seated at the table, enjoying a cup of coffee. The moment I sat down, my stepdad neatly folded the newspaper, and laid it on the table. He looked at me expectantly. A bit uncomfortable from his look, with my cup of tea halted halfway on its trajectory towards my mouth, I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Um… why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.

My stepdad smiled warmly. “Your mother told me you have some big news to share, but she refused to tell me what it was. So as you might imagine, I’m very curious of what this big news exactly entails.”

“Moooom!” I whined, putting my cup back on the table.

“O honey, don’t be dramatic.” my mother replied. “It’s great news isn’t it? Just say it.”

“Um… it’s just… I have a boyfriend.” I said to the table, with what presumably was a very red face.

“O but that’s great buddy!” my stepdad said enthusiastically. “Since when?”

“Since… yesterday night…” I said, still studying the table.

“O wow, congratulations! What’s his name?”

“TJ…”

My stepdad smiled again. “Ah, to be young and to be in love.” he said theatrically.

I think my face got even redder after that. “We haven’t reached the ‘love’-phase yet…” I protested weakly. “He only asked me yesterday evening to be his boyfriend.”

My stepdad narrowed his eyes a bit and looked thoughtful. “Wait a second, I can’t remember anyone coming to our house yesterday evening. Is this just some modern non-romantic way you young people do that nowadays? Did he ask you on the phone? Or did you use some kind of app for it?”

“No!” I almost shouted. “I don’t have that kind of apps!”

“No dear,” my mother answered the question before I could tell. “His boyfriend climbed the drainpipe to his room to get to him.”

“How sweet, that’s so romantic!” my stepdad exclaimed.

A short silence fell, in which my mother shot a disapproving look at her husband.

“…and a bit irresponsible, I guess…” he added hurriedly, causing my mother to roll her eyes and shake her head exasperatedly. My stepdad silently gave me a thumbs up and a proud smile, as if he wasn’t aware that my mother would catch on to that at once.

“Well, as much as I want to have breakfast all day, unfortunately I have to go!” he said grinning, “I have patients waiting. You two have a great day!” And with that, he got up from the table, put the newspaper under his arm, gave my mother a kiss, and held his right hand up for me to give a high five.

Smiling warily I gave him the high five. “I’m happy for you! You have to invite him for dinner soon.” he whispered.

Just before my stepdad was about to leave the kitchen, he turned around at me. “You know what? I’ll take a look in my library to see if I can find a book with information about two boys getting together. We don’t want any accidents to happ…”

“Enough about the book!” I shouted in desperation.

My stepdad smiled innocently, after which he left the kitchen. My mother just chuckled. Yes… it’s just great to have therapists as parents. And let’s not forget I had still two more therapist-parents to go…

On my way to school, freed from the embarrassment that is my home, I got to worry a bit about what was to come. TJ would be at school of course. TJ, aka my boyfriend, would be walking in the corridors, and sitting in my classes. And nobody but Jonah could know that we were together. We could always schedule more math tutoring to get some alone time of course, but how many of those could you have before it became suspicious to the outer world?

And what was I allowed to do when I was about to see TJ? What I _wanted_ to do was to run at him, jump in his arms, and kiss him, but yeah… it seemed like I had to hold myself back a bit… (no, a lot!). I already feared lots of awkward encounters, and I just knew myself well enough to realize how I could be acting when I was awkward and nervous. I would certainly make a fool out of myself, and TJ would be very annoyed with me, and I already could picture him breaking up with me. O god, I was about to break the world record for shortest relationship ever…

And it got even worse, I realized. I had to tell him that my mom and stepdad wanted to meet him, and educate us about the logistics of two boys in a relationship. It’s a miracle I could withhold myself from hyperventilating. This just had to become a terrible disaster. I already felt like an awkward and nervous wreck…

Luckily, when I arrived at school, a very agitated Jonah was waiting for me to distract me from all the nerves. I immediately realized I had purposely left him in the dark yesterday. He was way too invested in my love life anyway, but okay, it was pretty endearing to be honest. Right away I could only chuckle at his dramatic expression when he spotted me.

“Good morning Jonah.” I said casually.

“Cyrus Goodman! Explain this to me!” he said on a demanding tone. Jonah was holding a paper bag in front of him, dramatically shaking it.

“That, Jonah, is a brown paper bag.” I said sarcastically.

“Yes it is! Now, what do you think is inside the paper bag?”

“A rubber duck?” I suggested.

Jonah rolled his eyes. “No weirdo. Inside is a muffin. A chocolate chip muffin!”

“O… well, good for you, I guess?” I said, not following what Jonah was trying to imply.

“Wrong! It’s not for me, it’s for you!”

I looked at him quizzically. “O… thanks! That’s nice of you.”

“Wrong again!” Jonah said, keeping up the dramatic tone. I quickly took the brown bag from him, because with the movements he made to support his theatrical act, I was sure there wasn’t going to be a muffin left in the end, just a bunch of crumbs. When I looked inside, there was indeed a muffin. I looked puzzled at Jonah.

“It’s from a… secret admirer, so to speak.” Jonah said. “He… asked me to give it to you.”

Oooow, okay. It all started to make sense now. I felt my face starting to blush.

“And, because your admirer is secret, I am not allowed to reveal his name of course.” Jonah continued. “I _will_ however give you a hint.”

I shook my head and chuckled at Jonah. God, he could be so entertaining when he got dramatic like this.

“His name starts with a T, and it ends with a J.” Jonah said, closely monitoring my expression.

I tried to look as indifferent as I could possibly manage. “Okay thanks Jonah! I have no idea who it is then. I will enjoy the muffin. Thanks for being the messenger!” And, taking a bite out of my muffin, I walked away from Jonah. Well…, I tried at least.

“O no!” Jonah said, quickly blocking my way. “That’s not how it works. I have the right to know what’s going on!”

Amused I looked at him. “You have to right to know?”

“Yes I have!” Jonah said. “I have been nothing but supportive of you two. So spill!”

I pretended to think over his request. “You know what? I will discuss it with my boyfriend and come back to you.”

Jonah’s mouth fell open and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Your what?! Did it…? Is he…? How did that…? Your boyfriend?!”

“O yes, I forgot to tell you.” I said innocently. “I have a boyfriend now. He’s tall, has dirty blond hair, green eyes, he’s a great basketball player, and boy can he kiss!”

Jonah was glued to the spot, gawking at me. Then suddenly, his expression changed into a big smirk, and he started to look pretty smug.

“I did that, didn’t I?” he said.

I huffed and rolled my eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just too adorable to ignore.”

“I never said you aren’t. But I brought you two together didn’t I?”

Well, I couldn’t deny Jonah had played a major role in getting us together. Maybe it was time to put him out of his misery. So I gave him my sweetest smile. “Thank you for being so supportive Jonah. Partly with your help TJ was brave enough to ask me to be his boyfriend.”

Jonah held my shoulders while he jumped up and down in excitement. “I told you! I told you! I told you!” he shouted happily.

“Jonah, keep quiet!” I shushed him. “No one can know! Now can you please just be my best friend, give me a hug, and congratulate me?”

Jonah grinned widely at me, and pulled me in for a tight hug. “Congratulations Cy, I’m happy for you!” he said.

“Thanks” I said, although I almost couldn’t breathe anymore from the force Jonah was hugging me with. “And Jonah…”

Jonah released me and looked at me, eyes shining (yeah, he was way too invested…).

“No one can know.” I repeated myself.

Jonah’s smile fell a bit. “Ah… I understand…, that’s tough… No…, his parents… they can’t… That sucks Cy, sorry.”

I sighed. “Well, I’ll learn to deal with it somehow. For now, I just don’t try to think about it too much.”

“Well, let me know if can support you somehow.” Jonah said. “Now let’s go, or else we will be late for class.”

On our way to class, passing the lockers, my heart skipped a beat when I spotted TJ, surrounded by the usual bunch of people. The moment he saw me when we passed, his face almost split in two from the smile he was giving me. My head flushed immediately. Jonah chuckled. “Yep, that's not suspicious at all. Jefferson’s resident menacing jock’s face just lit up like a Christmas tree when he laid eyes on my goofy and nerdy best friend.”

I slapped Jonah on his arm. “Shut up!” I whispered. I took one more careful glance over my shoulder at TJ. When he caught my eye, he winked at me. I blushed even harder, then stumbled against a planter, causing me to loose my balance, and with a loud noise I undignifiedly came to a halt against another row of lockers. Jonah nearly doubled up with laughter, while I hurried from the scene acting as nonchalant as possible, before I could make an even bigger fool of myself.

By some kind of miracle, I made it through the day without any more mishaps. Last class of the day was History. It was one of the classes I shared with TJ, so I was already a bit nervous about that. I didn’t dare to look in his direction anyway.

When the class had started, mr. Lewis, our History teacher, introduced us to a new project about the history of Native-Americans. When he announced we had to produce a paper on the subject, working in pairs, I suddenly got a bold idea.

“Come class, choose your partner and start picking a topic for your project!” mr. Lewis announced.

“Okay Cyrus, how are we going to do this?” Jonah asked me.

I was looking at Jonah anxiously. “Um, can I ask you a favor?” I asked, before my nerves could stop me.

Jonah looked confused. I gave the tiniest of nods in the direction where TJ and Alicia were sitting, not daring to ask it out loud. Jonah caught on after only a couple of seconds.

“No way Cyrus! You want me to do the project with her so you can spend time with your boyf…, ugh…, TJ?”

I looked at him in a way that I hoped looked like a sad puppy.

“Why are you looking at me like a constipated moose? No, but I get it. O, this will be hilarious. I think she hates me after shoving her out of my way yesterday. Well, don’t worry, I’ll do it, I’ll make up some lame excuse why we have to switch partners. But only this time... Jeez…, wasting my chance for improving my grades here. Just to get you laid.”

My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I heard him say that. “Are you insane, you idiot! It’s not about that!” I hissed.

“I know, you dork. Just kidding. Well, the things I do for love.” And after that Jonah stood up from his seat.

“You said it yourself, a C is a sufficient grade.” I smiled at him. Jonah gave me an exasperated look and walked to TJ’s table.

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Alicia looked rather unhappy indeed when I saw Jonah pointing in my direction. After a while TJ slid in the seat next to me, beaming at me. “That’s great thinking! Now we have to spend time together and no one will become suspicious.”

“Yeah, but remember I want to get a good grade, so we actually have to get some work done.” I said to him, trying to look very serious.

TJ just grinned at me. I really wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. I had the feeling it would certainly not improve _my_ grade.

“TJ, look at me”, I said while I put on the face I was giving Jonah earlier. “Do I look like a constipated moose?”

TJ leaned in my direction. “You look like a _cute_ constipated moose”, he whispered.

I blushed… again! O god. This just had to be a bad idea…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading this fic you all! And I love reading your comments!


	23. Wisdom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wisdom:  
_“the ability to use your knowledge and experience to make good decisions and judgments”_

Among the students leaving the history classroom that day were a happy basketball player, a slightly annoyed frisbee player, a very annoyed teenage girl, and me, a slightly worried awkward gay nerd. Jonah bumped my shoulder walking past me. “Cy, you owe me big time.” he whispered in my ear before he hurried on, running after Alicia, who wouldn’t even give him a second look.

TJ beamed at me wiggling his eyebrows. “So… can we hang out now? I’ve got to be home at five, so we have more than an hour left.”

“We can hang out in the library, using one of the computers to do some research about our project.” I scolded him, although I wasn’t able to suppress a smile of course.

TJ pouted. “You’re no fun…”

I almost gave in, seeing him pulling that face at me. Almost… “TJ stop. If we want to work together, we’ll have to do it here. And remember that it has to look like we’re only study partners.”

TJ looked very disappointed at me, but then nodded. “I guess you’re right. It sucks.”

When we were finally were seated in the library, I was very aware of the fact that TJ had chosen to sit far too close to me, his knee permanently touching mine. It was just as nice as it was tense. It made me look around the library constantly, to see if people would catch on to our behavior. It also made me a bit confused. It had been TJ who didn’t want anyone to know about our relationship. But I guess he was more of a thrill seeker than me anyway. For now, I just had to keep my act together, I guess.

“Okay, mr. Lewis said we have to do a project about the history of Native Americans, in the context of the immigration to our country over the centuries.” I said, trying to focus on the task at hand. “Do you have any ideas about that?”

TJ looked at me a bit lost. “Um… not really, no. I wouldn’t know where to start. The only thing I know about immigration is that we have to build a wall to prevent us from all the Mexicans coming to our country.”

I gawked at him. “Excuse me?”

Seeing my reaction, TJ almost immediately panicked. “No, no, that’s just what they told me… I really don’t know a lot about this.”

O dear lord… I just should have realized this sooner. Of course TJ’s only information about these kind of subjects came directly from his parents. I didn’t even dare to guess their opinions on the matter of Native Americans and immigration.

Closing my eyes, and trying not to work myself up about it, I decided I first had to figure out what it was that TJ knew exactly. So I took a deep breath. “Okay… TJ what do you know about the Indians?”

TJ looked at me nervously. “Um…, they like to make curry?”

Yeah… it was bad… This was going to take a lot of work. “Not the people from India…,” I sighed, “but the indigenous people of the United Stated and Canada.”

“They don’t like to make curry…?” TJ said, not even joking.

I tried not to bang my head on the table. “Who do you even think are the Native Americans?”

“O… um…, let me see. The native people are the ones that were born here, and that have build up this country, and have made it great.” TJ said in sincerity.

Again, I took a deep breath. “And who are the immigrants then?”

TJ eyes were moving rapidly, because he probably knew something about his information was not really up to scratch. “The immigrants are the people trying to get in to our country and take advantage of the wealth we have created…” he said softly. “O Cyrus, please don’t look at me like that… I’m sorry.”

I really tried my best to look at him with a neutral face, but probably the disappointment must have been radiating off of me. “TJ… do you ever watch the news on CNN, or read in books, or on the internet?”

My boyfriend looked at me as if he was on the verge of tears. “We-we… almost never watch TV” he said. “And we don’t… have internet at home, so… And… there aren’t many books either in our house. Well, there’s one book of course…”

This was again a heartbreaking moment. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I would cope in such a situation. Knowing TJ, he didn’t want my pity at the moment, just my support, so I patiently started to explain the basics of our project.

“Okay, listen TJ. The Native Americans are the American Indians that were the inhabitants of North America up until the Europeans discovered the continent in 1492, and started to colonize it. So, if you take a wider perspective of let’s say 500 years, we are all immigrants.”

TJ looked at me as if he was watching water burning. “_We_ are the immigrants?”

“Yes we are. You, me, Buffy, Andi, Jonah, Lester, almost everyone. Well, our ancestors at least. Nowadays, only about one percent of our country’s population consists of descendants of the original inhabitants.”

“What happened to all those people then?” TJ asked.

“Well… not a nice story. They died… Either from the new diseases that came from all the immigrants, or we murdered them because we considered them to be of an inferior race.”

TJ looked utterly distressed after my words. He really seemed to be unaware of all this. “But… why don’t I know…”

Then, abruptly, TJ stood up from the table and took his backpack. “I have to go.” he said, and he almost ran to the library’s exit.

“TJ wait, where are you going?” I shouted after him. Determined not to let him get away, I started to run after him, through the door and into the hallways, which was no small feature, because TJ was walking pretty fast. It took me quite the effort to catch up with, and to stop him.

“TJ, why are you running away?” I managed to say.

“I just don’t want to hear you say it.” TJ said bitterly, refusing to look at me.

“Say what? I don’t understand.”

“You are going to break up with me, aren’t you?” he said, now looking into my eyes, all defeated.

“What?! No! Why would I break up with you?” I said, perplexed as I was.

“Because you’re just so smart, and I’m so _dumb_!”

“O TJ…” feeling my heart break for him. “That’s just not true. I would never break up with you.”

“Well you should” he said almost angrily.

I wanted to hug him desperately then and there, but we still were in the middle of the hallway, so that wasn’t an option.

“TJ, would you please look at me?” I asked. “Why would you say something like that?”

Hesitantly TJ returned my look. “Because… because I just can never be good enough for you. You deserve so much more. You deserve a better boyfriend than I can ever be.”

I quickly looked around me if there were people close to us. “TJ… you are the perfect boyfriend. I don’t want anyone better. I want you. You’re just… not so well informed about a couple of things. That’s not your fault. You’ve already said you wanted to learn, and that’s the most important thing. You did mean that, didn’t you?”

TJ nodded his head slowly.

“Then I think you’re perfect. I’m not going to break up with you in a million years.”

TJ gave me a tentative smile. “Really?”

“Really.” I assured him.

“I really don’t deserve you. You’re amazing, you know that?” he said gently.

“Those are your words.” I said, giving him a shy smile.

“Well you better start to believe it.” TJ said.

As we both stood there, standing opposite each other, and staring into each other’s eyes, for a moment we forgot all about the surroundings. We weren’t in school anymore. We were just TJ and Cyrus, in our own little bubble. TJ put a hand on my chest and slowly started to lean in. I closed my eyes in anticipation of what was to follow.

The moment the hallway was filled with the sound of a door slamming shut, was the moment we flew away from each other. Had anyone seen us? In panic we both looked around, but there was no one in sight. My heart was racing and I felt the adrenalin pumping through my veins. From the way TJ was looking, face flushed, he was about in the same condition. Nervously we smiled at each other, relieved that it had been a false alarm.

“Okay, that was just too close.” I said breathing out.

“Yeah…” was the only thing TJ could say.

“Are you okay?” I asked

TJ nodded. “Yeah, I’m all right.” After a moment of silence he continued. “Cyrus, could you... um, let me study on my own for remainder of the time? I just want to read some things before we continue to work on our project. I want to do that on my own, so that I don’t feel… embarrassed about it. And you would probably be a distraction anyway.”

And with those words TJ had me blushing again. “Sure…” I replied bashfully. “I understand. We can continue what we were doing later.”

TJ smirked and leaned in to whisper in my ear. “O we will certainly continue what we were doing soon.”

Even my ears went red from that comment. “TJ!” I hissed. But he could only smile triumphantly at me. I then remembered there was still something I had to tell TJ. And I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but I just felt I had no other choice than to be honest.

“Um… TJ, there’s one more thing I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” TJ asked expectantly.

“You know… My parents, they’re very liberal thinking. And they know almost everything about my life.”

TJ started to frown, as if he already knew the direction the story was heading.

“And they’ve known for ages that I’m gay. The moment I came out to my mother was one big anticlimax. She just said ‘_yeah, I already knew that_’, and that was the end of it.”

I paused for a moment, working up the nerves to continue.

“And…?” TJ asked, tilting his head.

“And… the thing is… my mother might have just seen you climbing down the drainpipe yesterday.” I said, and I immediately spotted the panic rising in TJ’s face. “But it’s okay! She’s cool with it!” I hurried to add. “And I just couldn’t lie to her about something as important as you…, so I told her about you.”

TJ was now taking rapid shallow breaths through his nose with his eyes closed.

“TJ? Please don’t panic okay? She’s cool with it, and so is my stepdad. She’s happy for me, for _us_. But the catch is… my mother and stepdad, they want to meet you.”

“What!” TJ squeaked, with his eyes wide open now.

“They… they want to meet you…” I repeated, much softer than the first time. “So, the question is…, would you like to come over for dinner soon?”

My boyfriend was standing in front of me, completely motionless, not saying a word. I couldn’t even figure out if he still was breathing for a moment.

“TJ? Could maybe do that for me?” I asked carefully. “It will be okay, I’m sure of it.”

TJ seemed to slowly wake up from his trance. He took a couple of deep breaths before he spoke again. “Will you be happy when I’ll do that?” he asked.

I nodded my in confirmation. My heart was already glowing by the idea I could present him officially as my boyfriend. I just had to suppress the thought about all the different possibilities in which my parents could make it awkward.

“I’ll… think about it then.” TJ finally said.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Mostly because TJ hadn’t ran away from me again. He would think about it, he had said. That was a starting point at least. Now he knew that not only Jonah, but also two of my parents were aware of us. For now, it was of the utmost importance that no one else was going to find out about our relationship.

Yeah… that plan was about to fail monumentally...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone give TJ a hug please?


	24. Qalb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qalb:  
“_(Arabic) when you refer to someone as ‘qalb’, meaning heart, you are elevating their importance to your life_”

When I walked home that day, leaving TJ alone to study, I scolded myself for being so careless that afternoon. TJ and I had almost kissed in the middle of school! That could have gone horribly wrong. Just everyone could have appeared from all kind of directions, finding us making out. I didn’t dare thinking about the consequences. But seemingly, that was the effect that TJ had on me. When I was with him, and especially when I got lost in his eyes, I momentarily forgot about everything else. I just _had_ to try to keep myself together.

Also, thinking back to the things TJ had said about the project, I was amazed of how composed I had been. Some of that stuff was genuinely difficult to listen to. But I guess he was willing to learn, so that made up for a lot. The more I discovered about his background, the more annoyed I felt about his parents, and the more bad I felt for TJ growing up in that kind of environment. It made me also understand his insecurities a bit more, not to mention his courage to open up to me.

At home, I made it through dinner and the rest of the evening without too much damage. Fortunately there was no book yet that I had to study. Maybe it was just hard too find, or even better, maybe it just didn’t exist (o…, no that would be bad actually).

Friday arrived soon enough. I had promised myself not to stumble over planters this time (or my own feet for that matter) when I was to encounter my boyfriend in the school’s corridors. However, strangely enough, TJ was nowhere to be seen in school that morning. Of course, in itself, that wasn’t something new, but the times that TJ had been invisible all related to scary-TJ. I couldn’t help but worry something was wrong. Did someone spot us yesterday anyway? Did his parents find out about us? Was TJ in trouble? To make things worse, we didn’t share any classes that morning. As a consequence, I couldn’t focus in any of the classes, despite Jonah trying to calm me down a bit.

When I was waiting in line in the canteen during lunch break, I really didn’t know why I bothered. I wasn’t hungry at all. You can imagine my shock, and after that, relief, when suddenly my boyfriend appeared next to me, looking all calm, innocent, and happy to see me.

“Hey.” he just said, giving me his signature smile.

_Hey_? _Hey_? That’s all? “TJ, where on earth have you been today? I’ve been worried sick!” I silently yelled at him.

TJ raised his eyebrows. “Well, I’m happy to see you too.” he said puzzled. “But if you want to know, I arrived early this morning and I’ve spent my time studying in the library. Did you know that the government recognizes 573 Indian tribes in our country, including seven in Utah?”

I gaped at him, trying to lower my heartbeat. “No… I didn’t know that actually.” I managed to reply.

TJ was proudly beaming at my answer. “Well, now you do.”

Okay, there I was no way I was going to succeed in being mad at TJ when he was looking at me like _that_. It just was too adorable how he was obviously trying to impress me with his newfound knowledge.

“Okay… great… thanks.” I said.

TJ looked at me worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“Yes… yes I am. Don’t worry. Just… It’s okay.” I answered, regaining my composure.

Apparently, TJ was satisfied by my answer, and we had reached the end of the line anyway. After we had filled our trays with lunch goodies, he bent over to me one more time. “Will I see you during practice?” he whispered in my ear, careful not to gain attention. I just _have_ to look up somewhere how to prevent myself from blushing all the time, because… yeah… I nodded in confirmation. A beaming TJ then went his own way towards his usual table with mostly basketball players.

When I had sat down at my usual spot, I noticed Andi staring at me pointedly from opposite the table. I tried to ignore her, and engage in a conversation with Jonah and Buffy. It didn’t take long before I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. Curious from whom it might be, I took it out of my pocket, and nearly dropped it when I saw the message.

**TJ**  
_Can I say you look incredibly cute today?_

My face went bright red in an instant. I quickly looked around me. Buffy and Jonah were too preoccupied talking to each other, Andi didn’t look in my direction, but I wasn’t so sure she hadn’t noticed anything.

Below the table, with my hands trembling a bit, I typed my reply.

**Cyrus**  
_Do you want to kill me? You can’t say things like that in public._

I carefully took a glance in TJ’s direction. He was blatantly smiling at me from a distance, then I saw him looking down to under the table. It took only seconds for me to get a reply.

**TJ**  
_Well, I can’t help it. You’re the one wearing green. It’s cute._

**Cyrus**  
_I like green, It’s the color of your eyes._

I sent that last one in a spur of the moment. I really hadn’t any experience with flirting, but one more glance in the direction of my boyfriend confirmed me I had succeeded, as he was clearly blushing himself by now. When I suddenly felt a hard shove from Jonah’s knee against mine, I immediately got back to reality. As if nothing had happened, Jonah was still talking animatedly with Buffy, gesticulating wildly, as if he was trying to divert Buffy’s attention from everything else. O god… I had promised myself to be careful… It proved to be very hard to do that.

When lunch was almost over, and we were ready to go back to class again, Buffy had excused herself to go to the bathroom. Before I had the chance to walk away with Jonah, Andi looked at me. “Cyrus, can you walk with me for a moment?”

Jonah had a questioning look, but I nodded. “Sure. You go ahead Jonah, I’ll see you later.”

He looked at us suspiciously for a moment, but agreed to it anyway. “Okay, see you in a couple of minutes.” he said, and walked off. Expectantly I looked at Andi. I didn’t want to guess what she wanted to talk about.

“You know Cyrus,” she started, “from the viewpoint I had this lunch break, I observed something very interesting.”

_O…_ I started feeling nervous about this already. And also Andi looked a bit too smug.

“I observed two boys in the canteen, both looking at their phone at the same time, and both of them smiling like an idiot.” she continued.

I could only look at the ground, trying in every way possible to prevent the blood stream reaching my face again.

“And moreover, from time to time, these boys were trying to smile to each other inconspicuously. I think they could have fooled a lot of people, but as I witnessed it, these two boys were giving each other the most adorable lovesick glances I’ve seen in a while. Do I need to go on?”

I studied the canteen floor for a while and shook my head. I felt Andi’s hand on my arm suddenly while she stepped closer and lowered her voice.

“I’m not stupid Cyrus. I’ve witnessed TJ and you dance around each other, with all the drama that it included. I’m not sure what your current… status is, but know that you have my full support.”

“Thanks Andi” I mumbled. Darnit, had we really been that obvious and careless? (Again!)

“I assume Buffy doesn’t know?” Andi asked.

I shook my head as an answer. Andi looked at me in understanding. “And Jonah?”

“He knows…” I said.

Andi smiled. “Of course he does.”

I hesitated a bit before I dared to speak again. “Andi…, TJ and I are… boyfriends…”

Andi squeaked in delight. I hurried to quiet her down. “But no one can know.”

Andi enthusiastically pulled me into a hug. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I’m so happy for you! Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. But look at you, scoring a jock for a boyfriend.”

I was laughing into her shoulder now. “Yeah… It’s because out of the four of us, I have by far the most… um… swag?”

Andi laughed out loud. “Sure you have.”

So… now not only Jonah and my parents, but also Andi knew about TJ and me. Things were not going as planned... And it wasn’t even the end of the day.

After classes, as usual, I was sitting on the bleachers watching basketball practice. But now, it wasn’t just that I was there to support Buffy. Now I also was there as a player's boyfriend. Not that anyone could know of course, but still... As the team worked through the exercises, TJ and I tried to sneak glances at each other as discreet as possible. And when all the players were shooting hoops, every time TJ scored (which was almost all of the time) he searched for my eyes as if he was looking for approval.

When practice had ended, and the whole team had disappeared into the locker room, Jonah apparently decided he had had enough.

“Cyrus!”

“JB, what is it?”

Jonah leaned towards me, and kept his voice down. “You two have to be more subtle.”

“I don’t know what you mean”, I said, feigning ignorance.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Cy. You know exactly what I mean. If you two keep eying each other like that, some people will notice, and start asking questions. Or worse, spread rumors about you two. And if it comes out that you’re boyfriends, and it get’s to his parents attention, you will be in a lot of trouble. He in particular. Worst case scenario they will move away from here, and you will never see him again.”

I stayed stubbornly silent, looking away from Jonah. I knew he was right. It just was so frustrating. It was so hard to withhold myself from showing any affection towards my boyfriend. I really wanted to scream my emotions from the rooftop, walk with him hand in hand through the corridors. Show him off to everyone, and look arrogant at all that stupid girls that were constantly around him.

“Cy?” Jonah said carefully, trying to get my attention. “Cy, please promise me you’ll be more careful, okay?”

I looked at my feet, but nodded my head. “I’ll be careful. Thanks for caring Jonah.”

“Cyrus, can you look at me please”, Jonah asked.

After a couple of seconds I raised my head and looked my best friend in the eyes.  
“Cyrus, you’re my best friend. I want you to be happy. Of course I care for you. Just…, stay out of trouble. And you have to tell him the same thing I told you. If I tell him, I think he’ll punch my face.”

“He won’t punch you”, I mumbled.

“I’m not so sure about that. He really is the jealous type. Anytime he looks at me his eyes still shoot daggers at me.”

I remained silent, gazing forward into the distance. I knew I had to keep it together, it was the best for both TJ and me. I just hadn’t imagined it being so hard. My phone buzzing with another message took my attention away from my frustration.

**TJ**  
_Cyrus, quick! Please come to the boys locker room. It’s urgent!_

I immediately could feel my heart in my mouth, forgetting everything that had happened. I jumped up, and ran towards the locker room.

“Cyrus, where are you going?” Jonah cried after me.

“TJ!” I shouted back. “Just wait for me, I’ll be back in a second!”

With my heart thumping loudly I entered the locker room. The only thing I could see was a rather smug looking TJ sitting on one of the benches, already changed back to his blue jeans and grey hoody.

Confused, and still really worried I looked at TJ.

“What’s wrong, what happened? What’s the emergency?”

“The emergency is that you and I still have some unfinished business.” TJ said, grinning mischievously. 

Bewildered, I looked at him. “What?”

“Well… we were about to do something in the hallway yesterday, but we were interrupted. And ever since that moment I really wanted to continue what we were about to do.”

I gawked at him. “Are you really suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”

“O yes.” TJ said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“TJ! We can’t do that in de the middle of school, or even worse, the locker room!” I said indignantly.

“Yes we can.” TJ answered. “All the boys are already gone. I’ve said to them they could leave without me.”

I still couldn’t quite comprehend the situation. My brain short-circuited however when I saw TJ pouting and reaching out to me, with childlike grabby hands. This boy was going to be the death of me. How was I ever able to refuse him anything, acting like that? Shaking my head warily, and ignoring all the alarms in my head that this indeed was one of the worst ideas ever, I walked over to him and let him pull me onto his lap. “Okay, okay, easy.” I laughed. “So needy…”

“It’s your fault, you just can’t look that cute when I’m around. It should be a felony.” he said, while he started kissing my cheek, and started to pull me even closer on his lap, making me feel all dizzy. 

“Not that I don’t enjoy this,” I managed to say with a blush starting to creep up, “but, um…, in this position aren’t you afraid it will become… awkward again?”

“Nope” TJ replied, while he started to kiss my neck, and put his hands on my sides, consequently sending shivers down my spine.

“Oh…” I answered, not understanding how to interpret his answer. Did I have to be disappointed?

TJ pulled away from me slightly, smiling fondly at me. “To be clear. It’s very likely it will become awkward. But you asked me if I was afraid about that. And the answer is ‘no’. I’m okay with that now. I know it can happen. It’s just as if my body confirms how much I like you, or how much you like me. It’s nothing unnatural. We only have to make sure we don’t let ourselves get carried away, so we don’t do things we’re not ready for yet.”

I gaped at him. Wow… was this the same TJ that had freaked out about it not so long ago? TJ chuckled seeing my expression. “Yes, I learn. Now, how about a kiss?”

Each time I thought I had figured TJ out, he was able to surprise me again. And each time I got more and more infatuated with him. Looking into his green eyes, I was happy to oblige him, and I threw my arms around his neck before kissing him on the lips. I felt his hand running through my hair, while he gave me more gentle kisses. With my hand now in his neck, I added some pressure and opened my mouth slightly to deepen the kiss. TJ made some approving sounds and tenderly moved his tongue around my lips. Holy crap…, without worrying about it becoming awkward, it felt even better than the first time we had kissed like this. With my both hands I started messing his perfectly styled hair up.

And that’s when suddenly the door to the dressing room flew open.

“Okay guys, whoever’s still in here, you have to get out now. I promised coach I would close up the…”

Buffy stared at us in disbelieve. There was absolutely no way to interpret the way we were strangled up together other than that we were having a major snogging session. We sat there completely frozen, with me still on TJ’s lap, both our hair disheveled, and looking at her with wide and panicky eyes.

“Ooookay” Buffy said sighing, “So I’m scarred for life now. I guess I should have seen this one coming.”

My first priority was to prevent my boyfriend for having a panic attack. TJ looked like a deer in headlights, and his breathing was starting to increase in frequency. I very carefully laid my hand on his chest, and I tried to sound as comforting as I could. “It’s okay babe, it’s only Buffy, she won’t tell, relax.”

The reaction I got was completely different than what I had expected. Now both TJ and Buffy were staring at me with wide eyes.

“_Babe_?” they said simultaneously. My head went bright red in an instant. TJ’s expression slowly changed into a smirk, his eyes narrowing, and the corners of his mouth twitching. Buffy was holding her hand in front of her mouth and looked thoroughly amused at me. It took them both a couple of moments before they burst out laughing, making me feel all embarrassed. I tried to get up from TJ’s lap to run for it, but he immediately tightened his grip on me.

“Let me go TJ, and let me die in peace at least.” I said dramatically.

“O don’t be like that, _honey_.” he said, still smiling widely.

I gave up trying to get away, and just sat there pouting, feeling defeated. “You said that everyone had already left.” I muttered.

“Technically, I said that all the boys had already left.” TJ replied.

I huffed. “Why are you so calm and collected anyway all of a sudden?”

“Because…, you’re so adorable you have a calming effect on me.” TJ said while I could see Buffy rolling her eyes. “And I think Buffy is a very trustworthy person.”

“Well, isn’t that the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Buffy said smirking.

After that, a more serious silence filled the room. Buffy and TJ looked each other very intently, not saying a word. They just kept eyeing each other, and it started to creep me out a bit. It was just like they were having a wordless conversation. Just as I was about to break the silence, it was TJ who spoke first.

“I know,” he said to Buffy. “I won’t.”

Nervously I looked from one to another. What was happening exactly? Buffy however seemed to be satisfied with his words. “Good” she answered. "And don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

TJ relaxed a bit more at those words, and gave her a small smile.

“Five minutes” Buffy said before she turned around and exited the room. “And you two are a sickeningly cute couple.”

After Buffy left, I sighed heavily. So much for promising myself and Jonah to be more careful... I tried to get up from TJ’s lap, but again I felt his hands holding me tightly in place. In confusion I looked at TJ.

“What?” he said. “She told us we have five more minutes.”

“TJ!”


	25. Interlude 6

When I started to write my story down, I honestly didn’t expect it to be this long. It’s just… so much has happened and I want to tell you everything. I also don’t want to hold back and sugarcoat some of my stupidities, or to keep them from you. And let’s be honest with each other, making out in the locker room has to count as a stupidity. We were lucky it was only Buffy who walked in on us, but god knows what would have happened if it had been anyone else.

What’s astonishing about the story, especially when I look back at it now, are all the different emotions that TJ already had displayed. He had been angry, closed off, arrogant, condescending, but also funny, insecure, sad, caring and not to forget, bold and forward when it came to me. Especially that last one was a recipe for disaster in this specific situation. It was like he was rebelling against his own situation. But it had already led to some very awkward moments. Problem was that, weak-minded as I am, I just couldn’t resist him most of the time. Even after Buffy had caught us, like I told you in the last chapter, I had caved in to TJ’s wish to ‘use that five more minutes sensibly’. I’ll leave it up to you to imagine how TJ defines the word ‘sensible’…

To make things worse, I had forgotten about Jonah, who I had told that ‘I would be back in a second’. That had been a very long second… And of course he had been looking for me, but inevitably he had ran into Buffy, who, as I was told later, had informed him that I was ‘a bit pre-occupied with TJ’. And Jonah was perfectly capable of imagining what _that_ had meant. He had sent me a text that he already was going to head home, and for me to ‘enjoy myself’. When I had read that, needless to say, I felt embarrassed and guilty.

In our defense, I also have to tell you that after that, TJ and I had went to The Spoon, to work on our project and a couple of math problems while enjoying some baby taters and milkshakes, and we had really made some serious progress. TJ also had found some really useful information that we could incorporate in our paper. He was just trying so hard to take it seriously, knowing that it was important to me, that I felt myself falling in love more and more. Maybe that was the first time I confessed to myself that this really wasn’t just a crush, but undeniably love. I didn’t even panic about it, it just felt right, because when I saw the way he looked and smiled at me, I couldn’t imagine that he wasn’t having the same experience.

It was a shame he had to leave at some point, but with a sad face he insisted that it just wasn’t an option for him to be home too late. I think I could understand, although I really didn’t want to imagine the details of his home life. It was when I was at home, there was a new message in my group app:

**Andi**  
So… can we talk about Tyrus now?

**Buffy**  
LOL

**Cyrus**  
What??

**Jonah**  
Do you prefer CJ?

**Cyrus**  
What? No! O my god! Stop!

**Andi**  
OK, Tyrus it is then.

**Cyrus**  
Andi why?

**Andi**  
You two have to have a ship name. It’s cute

**Cyrus**  
…  
So I assume you all three know about you all three knowing?

**Jonah**  
Surprisingly I do understand that sentence…  
But yes  
Andi already asked me about it, and of course Buffy and I talked about the locker room incident…

**Cyrus**  
No! Stop, that’s just embarrassing.

**Andi**  
Cyrus, they both didn’t want to tell me what happened there…  
So tell me!!!

**Cyrus**  
No…

**Buffy**  
OK  
Then I will  
I walked in on them

**Cyrus**  
Buffy stop!!!

**Buffy**  
While they were exploring each other’s uvula’s

**Andi**  
Oooow… omgggg!!

**Cyrus**  
Buffy, that’s a disgusting way of telling we were kissing

**Jonah**  
LOL

**Buffy**  
Really Cyrus?  
Just kissing?  
So that’s why you were in his lap and his hair was all over the place?

**Cyrus**  
That’s it  
I’m leaving this chat  
I’m leaving for another planet this night  
It was nice knowing you

**Andi**  
tsksksklskks  
Don’t be dramatic  
Look at you!  
Making out with a basketball jock in the locker room  
That’s so badass

**Jonah**  
And a bit careless…  
What did I tell you Cyrus

**Cyrus**  
I know… I’m sorry

**Jonah**  
You don’t have to be sorry…  
You just have to be more careful

**Buffy**  
Um  
What don’t I know?

**Cyrus**  
It’s just…  
TJ’s parents are really religious and narrow minded  
So they can’t know  
Ever

**Andi**  
O  
That’s tough…

**Cyrus**  
He has a very tough time at home  
I can’t even imagine what he’s going through

**Buffy**  
Ah  
That explains a lot actually  
It’s hard but we’ll figure it out  
Let us know when you want our help

**Jonah**  
I second that

**Andi**  
Yeah!  
We stan Tyrus!

**Cyrus**  
Well  
That’s sweet actually…  
Thank you

So… that was... um, sweet…, and quite embarrassing frankly. All in all, it was nice to know they all had my back, and that I could share my feelings now with all three of my friends.

On Saturday, I realized I was missing TJ already. I had become a sappy, lovesick teenager apparently. It all was his fault… with his beautiful smile, and gentle kisses, and soft hands, and gorgeous eyes… Yeah, those thoughts didn’t help at all… Getting together in the weekend was nothing but impossible. What could I do? Just turn up at his doorstep and ask if TJ wanted to hang out with me? Or could I just call him when I knew he most likely was with his parents? These simply weren't options. I didn’t want to get him in a situation where he had to explain to his parents who he was talking to, of who he was meeting. But surprisingly, it was TJ who reached out to me by calling me on Saturday night. I saw his name on my display when my phone rang, and my heart jumped in anticipation.

“Hey!” I said.

“Hey Cyrus”, he said very softly. “I’m sorry, I have to keep my voice down a bit. I don’t want my parents to hear me calling.”

A couple of seconds there was nothing more than breathing to be heard. It was if we both didn’t need anything more than the knowledge that the other one was on the other side.

“I’ve missed you.” I said before I could overthink it. Was that too eager?

TJ hummed at the other side. “I missed you too.”

Okay… now I _was_ smiling like a sappy lovesick teenager.

“Cyrus…” TJ said, “My parents are leaving on Monday for some two day Christian congress. I’m not exactly sure where that will be, but I _am_ sure that they will not return before Tuesday evening. So… if you still really want it, I guess I could come over to your place for dinner on Monday. And… meet your parents…”

My heart stopped for a moment. “Really? You would really do that?” I replied, completely stunned.

“If it makes you happy, yeah…” TJ replied.

“Wow, that’s… you’re the best.” I could only answer.

“One more thing Cyrus… Make me promise.”

“Make you promise what exactly?”

“Make me promise you I will have dinner at your place on Monday. I will probably loose my nerves over the next two days. So make me promise you.”

“O…okay. TJ…, will you promise me you will come over for dinner Monday?”

For a moment it stayed silent at his end. “I… I promise.” he then said.

I took me a while to find the right words to say back. My brain wanted to blurt out an ‘I love you’ right at that moment, but my conscience kept me from doing just that. It was too early right? We only knew each other for just over two weeks, and we were boyfriends for only three days.

“Thank you for doing that for me babe.” was the thing I came up with in the end.

For a moment it stayed silent. I could almost feel TJ smirking through the phone. “’Babe’ again huh?” he said.

“I… I like it.” I stammered back.

“Hm…, I like it too Cyrus. Keep saying it, it’s cute.”

“Okay… babe.”

TJ laughed softly. “Yeah, but now I have to come up with a cute nickname for you. Um, let’s see… '_Honey_'? No… '_Cutie_'? Better already, but no… ‘_Sweetie-Pie_’? Yuck…”

“O god TJ stop!” I exclaimed silently. Apparently he was even capable of making me blush through the phone.

“Okay, I‘ll stop. For the moment then… But I _will_ come up with some special nickname for you.”

I chuckled. “I can hardly wait.”

“I have to go now Cyrus, before my parents will hear me. I’ll see you on Monday at school.”

“I understand.” I said, but of course a bit disappointed. I wouldn’t have had any objection against talking to him for hours. “Till Monday TJ.”

“Bye…” TJ said softly, before he ended the call.

In awe (again) of my boyfriend I crashed down on my bed. I was still dumbfoundedly looking at my phone, as if I couldn’t believe TJ had just called me to tell me he was coming over on Monday. I just knew how much out of his comfort zone he would be when he was to meet my parents. But he wanted to do that nonetheless, to make me happy! 

Within a minute after the call, my phone rang. It was TJ again. Surprised I took the call. “TJ? did you miss me already?” I joked.

TJ answered proudly with just one word. “Muffin!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! I won't be able to upload until after new year's. So please don't be impatient, the story is not over yet. Things may or may not get a bit tense for our boys in the future...  
Thanks again for your support, and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!  
RJW


	26. Ecstasy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ecstasy:  
_an overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement_

TJ had been tense all day that Monday at school. It didn’t surprise me anymore at this point of course. It had been for a good reason that TJ had insisted on letting him promise me he was coming over that evening. As he had already predicted himself, he had gotten all worked up about it, and it was showing. There were no smiles that day, not even one directed at me. However, I had learned from my mistakes. I understood him better now, so I wasn’t going to push him, or worry more than I was already doing about him. I was just going to be a supportive boyfriend. So whenever I spotted him in the hallways or during classes, I just gave him a reassuring smile, and I tried to tell him with my eyes everything was going to be all right.

At the end of classes, of course I knew where to find him. I had asked Jonah to wait for me for a second (“and how long is _this_ second going to last, Cyrus?”), and I entered the arts classroom once again, finding TJ in the exact same spot as the previous two times. He noticed me right away, and he almost looked at me frightened as he removed his headphones. This time I just walked up to him, grabbed his hands and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re going to be fine babe. My parents are going to love you.” I said, squeezing his hands. TJ just kept looking straight ahead, and stayed silent. “Will I see you at six at my place?” I asked softly. TJ gave me a tiny nod and I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot. For a moment I saw his eyes light up a bit, and that was more than enough for me. I brought his right hand up to my mouth for a kiss before I let them go and walked away, and let him in peace with his music.

The day before, I had told my mom and stepdad TJ was coming for dinner. They were delighted by the news, to say the least. It had taken me some effort to convince them not to make it awkward in any way, and scare him away. I hadn’t told them any details about TJ’s situation other than that he wasn’t out yet because of his religious parents, but I had prepared them for the possibility of a very nervous TJ. I had literally begged them to just be supportive, no matter how TJ was going to behave. I could only hope they were going to behave themselves…

As you can imagine, I had gotten rather nervous myself. I wanted my parents to like TJ just as much as I did. And when 6 o’clock came and went by, I got really stressed, afraid that TJ wouldn’t show up. Anxiously I watched the minutes slowly go by. When it was twelve minutes past six, I just knew for certain TJ had stood me up. For a moment I felt completely defeated. Just to be sure, I looked out of the front window. My breathing stopped when I distinctly saw a lone figure standing frozen at the end of our driveway. Before my mind could even register it, my body had already jumped up and ran out of the front door.

There, in front of our house was TJ, a bunch of flowers in his hand. First of all: _Oh-My-Gosh_. I wasn’t in any way prepared for how TJ was looking. He was dressed in a pair of nice grey jeans, white sneakers, a white button-up and an open black coat. My heart was racing in my chest by the sight of it. To make things worse, besides looking all smart from his clothing, he also wore a pair of glasses, and instead of having his hair gelled up, it was more fluffy, with strains of hair covering his forehead. He looked drop dead gorgeous, and I was sure I had forgotten how to breathe properly. As I approached him, he held out his hand showing how much he was trembling. Luckily that brought me down to earth. Hastily I took hold of his hand, and I smiled at him.

“You’re wearing glasses.” I said.

TJ smiled nervously. “Yeah…, usually I wear contacts. But I thought, maybe this would make me look… smarter.”

I melted over and over again by this boy… “Well, you don’t have to wear glasses to look smart, but you definitely look hot in them.” That last bit I whispered to him, and I chuckled when I saw TJ blushing and looking down, mumbling a ‘thank you’.

“Did you buy the flowers for me?” I joked.

TJ immediately looked alarmed. “N-no, they’re for y-your mother. O god, I forgot to bring you something. Did I have to bring you something?”

“No TJ! I’m sorry. Of course you don’t have to bring me anything. It was a bad joke. Sorry…” I said to reassure him. For a moment I had forgotten how nervous TJ would be. “Now come on in. My parents are waiting.”

TJ looked bewildered. “I-I’m not sure I can do that…” he whispered.

I gave him my sweetest smile. “You’re going to be okay babe.” I said, and I pulled him towards the house by his hand. In the doorway, I saw my mother waiting already. It was the moment of truth… “Mom…, this is TJ, my boyfriend.” I said. And with that I stepped aside and gently lay my hand on the small of his back, guiding him a bit forward towards my mother.

“He-hello m-ma’am. I-I’m flowers and I bought you some TJ. N-n-no, sorry…, I-I mean I bought you f-flowers and I’m TJ…” TJ stammered helplessly. If it wasn’t a bit frightening to see him like that, it would have been rather amusing.

My mother didn’t even blink her eyes and smiled warmly at TJ. “Well hello TJ, how nice to finally meet you. O my, you’re a looker! Cyrus has good taste. Thanks for the flowers dear, they are beautiful!”  
And with that, she pulled him in for a hug, embracing him with her arms. TJ only stood there completely petrified.

“Come on in”, my mother gestured after releasing TJ from her arms, and entering her house.

“Come on, it’s okay” I whispered to TJ as I took his left hand and pulled him after me. When we entered the living room, my stepfather rose enthusiastically from his seat.

“Ah there you are. You must be Cyrus’ boyfriend!”

I felt TJ trying to yank his hand from mine, but I held on tight not letting him free. “Relax TJ, it’s just my stepdad” I whispered.

My stepfather acted like he didn’t notice the gesture at all. “How are you TJ? Cyrus told us a lot about you! We heard you’re a great basketball player.”

“U-u-um. Thanks. Um, I’m fine, thank you… Um, thanks. For inviting me, I mean. Um… nice to meet you… I’m TJ!” my boyfriend stammered again, but managed to extend his right hand.

My stepfather chuckled and shook his hand. “Well, we’re aware of your name TJ. Cyrus speaks the world of you.”

“Dad!” I said, my cheeks getting red. When I looked up at TJ from the corner of my eyes, I saw a corner of his mouth tilting upwards nervously.

“O-o, um, that’s n-nice to hear sir.” TJ replied.

“Call me Todd.” My stepdad said smiling reassuringly.

TJ’s face went red. “I-I will try sir. Um…, Todd, sir…”

I groaned internally. Yes, I had prepared myself and my parents for an awkward evening. TJ, however, seemed determined to take awkwardness to the next level.

“Come on boys” my mother said, “Dinner is already waiting. Please be seated at the dining table. O honey not there,” she said to her husband. “ The boys want to sit together of course, you can sit over here, next to me.” From the looks of it, TJ still had an experience as if he had just landed on an alien planet.

“Honey,” my mother said to TJ, “We didn’t know what you like for dinner, so we just kept it simple. I have made a tomato soup as a starter, and for main course Todd made his signature lasagna.”

“You cooked?” TJ immediately answered, without stammering, looking at my stepfather with wide eyes.

“Well…, yes. We take turns cooking, normally.” Todd answered, a bit taken aback.

“O-o…, okay.” TJ managed to say.

“Doesn’t your father cook dear?” my mother asked.

TJ looked at the table. “N-no. I don’t think he knows where the kitchen is. I’ve never seen him in there at least.”

“Hahaha, that’s funny TJ” my stepfather said before realizing TJ was dead serious. “O! Sorry TJ, didn’t want to offend you there.”

TJ smiled faintly at him. “That’s all right. I’m looking forward to your lasagna sir.”

“Todd.” My stepfather added.

“Uh, Todd…, sir.” TJ said. And when I saw him looking at my stepfather with a red face, my stepfather luckily laughed out loud.

“You’re all right TJ.” He chuckled. TJ couldn’t suppress a smile and started chuckling with him.

When my mother had put a bowl of soup in front of us all, I immediately dug in. I heard a squeal coming from my boyfriend, as he sat there with his elbows on the table and his hands folded in front of his face, looking at me like a deer in headlights. With a spoon full of soup still in my mouth, I realized my mistake. Lucky for me, my mother caught on quickly.

“O honey, that won’t be necessary here” she said to TJ. “Unless you want to of course. But I’m afraid you have to say the words then, we don’t know them really. I would have to google for it, but we don’t allow phones at the dinner table.”

Looking completely taken aback, not knowing what to do with his hands now, TJ nodded after a couple of moments. “No… it’s-it’s all right. It’s just… Um… thanks.”

Still looking completely flustered, TJ managed to eat his soup without spilling any of it on his white shirt (no small achievement…). I felt incredibly grateful towards my parents, who were clearly doing their best to make TJ feel at ease. And I felt very relieved noticing that TJ calmed down significantly as the evening progressed. My mother asked some questions about school, and my stepdad about basketball, both without ever sounding pushy. After dinner, when my mother had disappeared into the kitchen, and my stepfather had excused himself for a moment to do some work, we finally had some time alone. Smiling proudly, I lay my hand on top of his. TJ exhaled deeply and finally gave me a full smile back. “Your parents are great, you know that?”

“First of all, this is only half of it.” I retorted, “And secondly, they can also be a pain in the ass.”

“Well, I think they’re great. And you are amazing.” TJ said smiling. Visibly relaxed, for the first time TJ took the time to take in the surroundings, and to look around the living room.

“O wow, you have a piano here!”, TJ said enthusiastically. “Can I try it?”

“Sure”, I answered, a bit surprised. I then remembered he had told me he was able to play the piano. Never had I thought he was willing to play it for other people. As he sat down at the piano, I positioned myself next to it leaning on the side, watching him as he started playing.

My jaw dropped the moment I heard the first notes. TJ was playing with his eyes closed, and his face had an incredible peaceful expression as he skillfully let his fingers touch the keys. Never in my life had I heard such beautiful sounds coming from the piano. Both my mother and stepfather played sometimes, but this was a whole other level of music making. The slow melody he was playing was filled with emotion, and as the piece continued I even felt tears welling up in my eyes. It was a completely new experience, and moreover, I was in complete awe of the boy sitting there. Again, just as I thought I had figured him out a bit, it turned out there was a new side to his personality. As the piece continued, and the music swelled, I suddenly saw my mother standing in the kitchen door, watching TJ with an expression of happiness and fondness. A moment later, the door to the living room opened quietly, and my stepfather carefully entered, not wanting to disturb the moment. He too seemed to be affected by the beautiful playing.

When the piece had ended, TJ kept his eyes closed for a moment, before looking at me. If there had been any doubt before, this was the moment I definitely knew I was utterly and hopelessly in love. Without even thinking I leaned towards him and kissed him on the lips. And you know what the amazing part was? TJ let me do that, even knowing that my mother and stepfather were watching with smiles on their faces.

I felt on top of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back :-).
> 
> Look at our boys, being all happy. I wonder if that will last...


	27. Humanism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Humanism:  
_a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism or other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good_

It all went a lot better than expected that evening, if you just ignored the first awkward part of it. TJ didn’t seem to be very nervous anymore, and even did his best to make as good an impression as possible. He was very polite and correct, even laughing about some lame jokes my stepdad told, that I knew for sure weren’t funny at all.

The four of us were sitting in the living room, enjoying a cup of coffee (my parents) and tea (TJ and me). The conversation seemed to flow naturally, and boy, was I thankful for my parents being all nice and welcoming. When my mother wanted to clear the table, and take all the empty cups to the kitchen, TJ immediately offered to help.

“O honey, you don’t have to do that” my mother said.

“I insist” TJ replied.

“Such a gentleman!” my mother exclaimed, pointedly looking at my stepfather and me. (I have no idea why…)

As TJ walked to the kitchen, balancing a couple of cups, one of them wobbled on top of the other. The cup didn’t fall because of the wobbling, but because of the startled response that TJ had, trying to compensate the movement. Almost in slow motion, one cup plummeted to the ground, breaking into pieces on impact. TJ turned pale in an instant, his eyes got wide, and his breathing quickened. 

“O my God, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I will pay for it! O my god, I’m so clumsy. I’ll clean it up for you! Yes, let me clean it up! I’m so sorry!”

We all were watching in horror as we witnessed the boy getting himself completely stressed up, kneeling down to pick up the pieces. His hands were shaking violently, and we could hear his rapid breathing clearly.

“TJ!” I tried to get his attention, but the was too much in a state of panic to hear me. He sat on his knees as he started crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so stupid” he said, as he started sobbing and hiccupping. 

Luckily my mother went in protective mode, and se kneeled down in front of him, grabbing his shoulders with her hands. “TJ. Look at me. It’s okay.”

TJ just kept crying, shaking his head. “TJ, breath!” my mother continued. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Everything is going to be fine. Just breath. Focus on my voice. Breath in…, breath out...”

I saw TJ calm down a bit. But he refused to look at my mother, still shaking his head. “No, please no. I’m sorry. Please don’t…. I’m sorry”.

The whole scene was heartbreaking to watch. TJ was completely freaking out from breaking a simple cup. My mother had to use all her experience to get him out of this panic mode. I felt completely miserable and useless, as I saw my boyfriend break down in front of me. There had been moments when we were together, that I completely forgot about his situation. At those moments it all felt normal. But moments like these were like a bucket of ice-cold water thrown in the face. It brought me back to the horrific reality. 

It took my mother at least ten minutes and two glasses of water to get TJ to calm down. It was hard for me to watch, and I realized I had a lot to learn about how to help TJ the best I could. For now I could only sit next to him, rubbing circles on his back to let him know I was there. When my mother, for the zillionth time, had told TJ it really was okay, and that accidents like that just happen, he finally seemed to relax again.

“Can I use the bathroom please?” he asked softly, still not really daring to look my mother in the eyes.

“Sure honey, it’s in the hallway.” my mother answered, giving him a supportive smile.

I watched as TJ exited the room. I almost didn’t turn back again, to face my mother, afraid of what I would find in her eyes.

“Cyrus?” she asked softly, making me face her anyway. She sighed deeply, looking all worried and a bit distraught. “Wow…, what happened to that boy?” she asked.

I hesitated about what to tell her. “Um..., well…, you remember I told you his parents are religious?”

My mother nodded.

“It’s… a bit of an understatement. At least his mother is a fanatic, conservative christian. I met her once. She’s… cold. Ice cold. She said I had a funny name and she even asked if I was born in this country.”

My mother looked completely amazed. “She didn’t.”

“So… for TJ… being gay is, or was…, just not an option. He knows nothing about it really. He has been very brave the last weeks. But he’s in constant fear of his parents.”

My mother looked like she was getting very upset about the new information I gave her. “Cyrus…, remember, a child must never, ever, fear his parents. Whatever happens, your parents always have to be your home, a place to be safe.”

I walked over to my mother and gave her a big hug. “I know mom. Thanks.”

My mother patted me on the back. When we heard TJ coming back from the bathroom we quickly let go of each other.

“TJ? Can I talk to you for a second?” my mother asked. TJ immediately looked alarmed. My mother caught on quickly. “No nothing bad, I just want to let you know something.”

TJ sat down carefully and looked at my mother expectantly.

“TJ. It seems you like my son very much. Am I correct?”

TJ face flushed red in an instant. With wide eyes he nodded. “Yes…” he whispered.

“Good” my mother continued. “You seem like a nice and caring boy. I just want to thank you for caring about Cyrus, and I want you to know that you’re always welcome here okay? If there’s anything you ever want to talk about, you can always come to our house. You’re safe here, and we will be here for you.”

TJ looked like he was about to start crying again. I hurried to sit down next to him and intertwine our hands. He looked at our hands, then at my mother and took a deep breath. “Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. Thanks.” he answered.

I smiled at my boyfriend. I was so amazingly in awe of both my mother and TJ. But for now, I wanted to spend some time alone with him.

“Do you want to go up to my room?” I asked TJ. “You know, the normal way now, using the stairs?”

TJ grinned a bit. “Sure. Using the stairs is probably easier anyway.”

I was dreading a remark by my mother about a door having to stay open, but luckily, even now she knew how to hold back.

When we entered my room, I wrapped TJ up in my arms, kissing his cheek. I felt his arms snake around my waist, while he laid his head on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry for being so embarrassing Cyrus.” he whispered.

“Don’t you dare to feel sorry babe. You so incredibly brave for coming here tonight. I’m really happy you’re here now.”

TJ untangled himself from me to look me in the eyes. “Well, than I’m happy that you’re happy… muffin.” TJ chuckled while I blushed. 

Although TJ had been in my room twice before, this was the first time he took the time to look around carefully. He studied the books on my desk, and the trinkets on my shelves. He got extra focused when he looked at the pictures on my wall. TJ studied each and every one of them. Some of them were of me with my family, but most of them were memories of me with my friends. A lot of the pictures had Jonah in it, and almost always we had our arms around each other. There was even one picture, my favorite, where we had been goofing around and Jonah had kissed me on the cheek, and surprised I had smiled directly into the camera.

“Does um… does Jonah have a girlfriend?” I heard TJ ask.

The insecurity was very noticeable in his question. I knew what was coming. “No he hasn’t at the moment.”

“O… Did he ever have a girlfriend?” TJ asked again.

I sighed. TJ being insecure was about equal parts adorable as exasperating. “TJ… I think I told you this before. Jonah is straight. He is the straightest person I’ve ever met. And he’s my best friend. My straight best friend. You’re not. You are my gay boyfriend.”

TJ flinched a bit at my words, and sat down on my bed, head hanging down. O god, I really should think before I say something.

“O babe, I’m sorry.” I hurriedly said, while I sat down next to him. “I know you don’t use that label. I just wanted you to know that I want to be with you.”

TJ took a moment to recover, then he looked at me. “It’s okay. I have figured it out anyway, I think… You can use that label I guess.”

He took a long pause. “Cyrus, I’m…gay.”

Quickly I closed the distance and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close to my body. “I’m so proud of you.” I said softly. I then felt his body starting to shake, and I was startled by the intensity with which he started crying.

“Why are you crying TJ? Please don’t cry. It’s okay.”

TJ shook his head. “No,” he whispered, “Sometimes I just… don’t know if I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“Be the one that you want me to be. It’s just…, it’s not right.”

I pulled away from him to get a look into his eyes.

“What’s not right?”

He avoided my eyes, looking ashamed. “I can’t be gay. It’s not allowed. I can’t give you what you want.”

I tried to suppress the anger I felt rising. This beautiful boy had been brainwashed by his parents and was told he couldn’t love whom he wanted. As much as I wanted to curse those narrow minded people for breaking him, my priority now was to console my boyfriend crying in my arms.

“Look TJ, no one can tell you who you can love or not. You can’t control your feelings. Why would you say it’s not allowed to be gay, to love another boy?”

“It’s in the Bible”, he whispered. “Two men can’t be together. Gay people go to hell. That’s what people told me.”

That got me mad. I sat upright pushing him away from me. He looked frightened at me and moved over to the other side of the bed, sitting up against the wall and hugging his knees to his chest.

“Look at me TJ. Look me in the eyes and tell me you think I deserve to go to hell. Do you really think that? Is that what you believe?”

TJ looked at me with scared, sad eyes. The tears were falling from his eyes. He shook his head slowly.

“No,” he whispered, “I don’t believe that. You’re beautiful. You’re a beautiful person. You belong to heaven.”

Those words put a lump in my throat. I had a hard time composing myself, but I firmly believed I had to stay strong, to get to the bottom of this, and to take out this destructive self-doubt, root and stem. I scooted closer and I took both his hands in mine.

“TJ… Religion is about love, not about hate. The Bible, the Koran, the Torah…, those are all texts written thousands of years ago. They tell stories about love and compassion, about how to care for other people. And they also tell gruesome stories about how to slay down your enemies and how to treat women awfully. You can’t literally translate those works into the modern world. You have to get to the core, and the soul of it. And I firmly believe that that core is about love. The majority of religious people think that way, you have to realize that. Only a handful of fanatic people go around cherry picking from religious works to suit their own vile political agenda. Sure, you can find texts in the Bible that two men can’t sleep together. But you can also find approval for selling your daughter as a slave and for killing people that work on Sunday. It’s all equally insane to follow those texts literally.”

TJ looked at me in awe his eyes glistening from the tears he shed. He looked so fragile, sitting there on the other side of my bed. Maybe this was the moment I understood what he had meant when he had said he was broken. If you get raised surrounded by people who can only tell you that the way you feel is wrong, you can only feel bad about yourself the whole time. You will get the idea you have to be fixed, to fit other people’s believes.

“TJ, the thing is…, if you’re taught to hide what makes you different, you end up feeling a lot of shame of who you are…. And that’s not okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just like there’s nothing wrong with me. You’re a wonderful human being. People who tell you to deny your own feelings are wrong.”

TJ looked at me in a way I still get shivers on my spine from, when I think about it now. Then all of a sudden, he pulled me in for a hug, clinging on to me. His arms were wrapped firmly around my back, and he buried his face in my neck. Although his voice was muffled, I could clearly hear his voice. “You’re amazing Cyrus Goodman, you know that? You’re incredibly fucking amazing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sentence "if you're taught to hide..." etc is a literal quote from The Fosters, when Lena is consoling Jude. It's a powerful and meaningful expression, and it's still very inspirational.


	28. Attraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attraction:  
_a force by which things are pulled towards each other_

The whole TJ-coming-to-my-home-thing had undeniably been very emotional for the both of us. Well…, I think more so for TJ than for me. As you can imagine, after TJ had left, my mother and Todd wanted to have a word with me. Nothing bad, no, but they felt the need to show their support, and moreover, their concerns. Needless to say they were worried about TJ’s wellbeing, as they turned out to be completely charmed by him (how could they not be?). But above all, they were concerned about me, and about our relationship. They were perfectly aware now of what would happen if his parents were to find out about us. On the bright side, they didn’t mention the book anymore…

In hindsight, the visit to my house had been a turning point for TJ. Something had clicked inside his head I think. It must have been such a strange experience. Somehow, he had to rearrange all the preconceptions he had, and try to fit the new experiences all in, which was no easy task. Still today, I can’t even imagine the impact everything must have had.

As a result, in the time afterwards, and in particular that following week at school, TJ’s attitude seemed to have changed again. It was subtle, and I don’t think many people caught up on it, but for me it was clear that TJ had more moments that he seemed to be lost in thoughts. Sometimes he seemed to be somewhat unhappy again, but without the arrogance that used to cover it. I have to emphasize here, that whenever he looked at me, his eyes always lit up, and he always gave me a signature smile. Of course Jonah would very often give me a warning look or comment, afraid that someone else would figure out what was going on between TJ and me.

Something else, and not subtle at all, was that from that Tuesday onwards, TJ was wearing his glasses at school. I have no idea how he explained that change to his basketball-group, but I do know it made me blush furiously the first time I spotted him that day, because I knew he did it to please me (or just to make me feel even more awkward whenever we were passing each other in the corridor of course).

It became increasingly hard for us to act naturally around each other whenever we were in public. Sure, we were study mates, and most of the people were aware of that fact, so there was no problem in some interaction between the two of us. But how exactly are study mates to act normally, especially when they seem to come from two completely different worlds? How many words could we exchange, or how many smiles before we were raising suspicion? The whole situation felt so incredibly forced it pained me sometimes.

The biggest problem was that sometimes, we just seemed to forget about the surroundings, and were drawn to each other automatically like magnets. Now knowing the things that were to follow, we should have been careful of course.

A couple of events are worth mentioning in particular; moments that I’m not proud of telling you, because they demonstrate how naïve I was at the time. But we just couldn’t help ourselves, like I said. 

On Tuesday, like we had done before, we were sharing a plate of baby taters and a couple of milkshakes at The Spoon while making the last adjustments to our project paper. That evening was the deadline for sending it to the teacher, and we were eager to get everything right. On a side note: TJ had done loads of research on the subject. As ignorant as he was at the start, at the end he outsmarted me more often than not. As we were sitting together, working and concentrating very hard, we had probably shifted closer to each other. In our own bubble, but in a very public space, we had unconsciously ended up with our legs pressed up against each other, and one of my feet tangled around his foot below the table, while handing over each other the milkshake from time to time. We were only aware of the environment as we suddenly noticed the waitress standing somewhat nervously next to our table, a new milkshake in her hand. We raised our eyebrows at her because we didn’t order anything anymore, after which she very kindly said: “I brought you an extra milkshake. It’s from the house. I think you make an adorable couple, and I think you two are very brave. So um…, here you are.”

Stunned from her words, we pulled away from each other while she put the milkshake down on the table and left the scene. With wide eyes and red faces TJ and I looked at each other, lost for words. I couldn’t read TJ’s emotions properly. He seemed to be embarrassed, scared, but also a bit… smug? I myself didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. We had been so careless. How many people had seen us and had gotten the same impression as the nice waitress? We had been sitting there for about forty minutes already. And don’t laugh at me, but for a moment I actually started doing the math to figure out how many people in average visit the Spoon on a daily basis, and how many of them would walk all the way to the back where we were sitting, and to make an estimation of the amount of people that could have spotted us in the timeframe and would think the same as the waitress, and the chance they would tell anyone else…

If you’re amazed by my carelessness and stupidity, I have one more for you from that week. In my defense, I really was unaware of the customs surrounding basketball practice.

On Friday, TJ and I had been working on some math problems in the library. He wasn’t ever going to be a math genius, but slowly he was getting the hang of it, thanks to my adequate tutoring of course. We had carefully been sitting away from each other not to raise any more suspicion. We had, however, forgotten about the time. All of a sudden, TJ had shot up and looked at the clock.

“O dammit! I’m already too late for practice! Sorry Cyrus, I have to run. Do I see you there?”

And while I nodded, TJ frantically collected all of his belongings, shoving them chaotically into his backpack, and made a run for it.

Shaking my head and grinning about my dorky boyfriend, I collected my own stuff, and meticulously put everything in the right place and order in my bag. With everything cleared up, I suddenly spotted TJ’s hoody still hanging over the back of the seat.

I guess you all already know where this is going right? If you do, you’re a lot smarter than me apparently. But come on! There was an unused hoody, that I had to take with me anyway, and I was cold! (And okay, yeah, it smelled like TJ…)

On my way to the gym, wearing a nice grey hoody, I can remember coming across some people with amused expressions on their faces. Naturally, I thought they were looking at me like that, because wearing a hoody is out of character for me. I can’t rule out the possibility that some students recognized it as TJ’s signature outfit, and were wondering why I was wearing it. Moreover, our usual seats in the gym were at the front row, so I had to pass everyone else in getting to Jonah, who was already in his place.

The moment Jonah spotted me, his face became pale and his eyes widened.

“What are you doing you fool?” he exclaimed silently. “Take that off!”

“Take what off? What’s wrong?” I answered quizzically.

Jonah gasped at my stupidity. “The hoody! Take off the hoody! Everyone can see you wearing his hoody!”

“What’s the problem? He has left it in the library and it’s nice and warm.”

“Only girlfriends wear the player’s outfits during practice.” Jonah slowly said through gritted teeth, looking at me intently.

First I felt all the blood draining away from my face, while I immediately became aware of all the people around us, all probably watching us. Then I felt the blood rushing back to my head again in abundance. I didn’t know how I did it, but in panic, I even managed to get stuck in the hoody while frantically taking it off, with one of the straps of my bag still on my shoulder. As a result, I probably made a complete scene out of it, gaining some extra attention. Jonah had to help me to get out of it eventually. It took a long time for my head to cool down, while I had do endure a cross Jonah sitting next to me, muttering words that sounded much like “idiot”, “stupid” and “fool”.

When practice had ended, TJ walked up to me drinking from his water bottle. He was closely followed by Lester and Reed, all three of them sweating from the intense training.

“Hey TJ, you forgot your hoody in the library so I brought it for you.” I managed to say to him, but definitely not daring to look him in the eyes.

“O thanks man!” TJ answered, playing his role perfectly, being flanked by the two other boys.

“TJ! Reed and I are going to hang out later. Want to join us?” Lester asked, as if I wasn’t there at all.

“No thanks, Cyrus is going to help me with math again. We didn’t have enough time before practice.” TJ answered.

“You rather do math than hang out with us?” Lester said amused.

“Um…” TJ looked at me, and suddenly seemed to gain confidence. “Well yes actually. Cyrus is way more clever than you two dumbasses anyway.” he said smirking.

Lester looked shocked. “Dude! That’s so gay!”

TJ’s head went red from what I assumed was embarrassment and anger. Reed laughed at TJ, patting him on the back.

“Calm down man, he’s just kidding. Have fun with Cyrus. We can hang out an other time.”

Lester looked at Reed frowning. “You sound gay too.”

Reed laughed generously. “Well, if I were to be gay, I’d choose Cyrus. He’s clever, and pretty cute for a guy.”

My face went to bright red in an instant, and TJ looked alarmed. Lester looked at Reed in shock for a moment, then snickered.

“Wow man, wait until I tell your girlfriend.”

Reed grinned. “Please do. She loves it when I show my soft side.”

And with that, he put his hand on Lester’s shoulder. “Let’s hit the shower.”

Lester tried to look offended but laughed anyway. “I’m not so sure anymore I want that with you. And get your hand off me.”

As they both walked away, bantering, Lester turned around one more time. “Are you coming TJ?”

TJ looked at me a bit lost, but then smirked at me and went after them. The last thing I noticed was Lester saying: “You know, maybe you’re right. He is kind of cute. Maybe I should turn gay and start dating him. I would finally pass my math test.”

TJ gave him a dirty look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the waiting! I've been moving homes and it has been a very busy and stressful month. I hope you're still with me. I love reading your comments about the story.


	29. Interlude 7

I just took the time to read back everything I’ve written so far. Reading it now, it’s like witnessing a car crash that I know is about to happen; in slow motion that is. Do I blame myself for what was about to happen? Sure I do. Do I blame TJ? Maybe, but not really… For him everything had been a completely new experience. I should have been the one in control. I should have been the one to make sure we were holding back. And what did I do? I had let my urges take over. I had let everything happen way too fast, way too soon. I just couldn’t escape the magnetic forces between us however. I just couldn’t stay away from him. I just couldn’t deny him anything.

Thinking about the future was something I was avoiding at that time. It would just make me sad. I didn’t dare to think ahead more than one day. Rationally, I couldn’t think of a path that would eventually lead us to living together as a “normal” happy family. So I coped by just not thinking about it. It probably added to the lack of being mindful of our surroundings, and to the risks we were (unconsciously) taking. As a consequence, and in hindsight, we were probably reducing the chances of finding precisely that safe path to happiness; a downward spiral, so to say. We were living in the moment. We were happy in the moment. And things were about to go downhill…

So, what’s the turning point in this story? Well, to be honest, there’s more than one answer to that question. I think you can point out a few. For me, it was just a first encounter in the gym. It’s the sole reason you all are reading all of this. For TJ, I think it had been meeting my parents. Like I described in the last chapter, it seemed like that after that, something had clicked inside his head. But storywise? Storywise we can say that the phone call I was about to receive, is quite literally the hinge between the “good” part, and the “bad” part of the story, and where, ironically, everything became unhinged.

The bad part of the story started with something that at the moment, seemed incredibly positive. The results of our projects on immigration had been published, that Friday afternoon. As TJ and I were leaving school after practice, I noticed an incoming email on my phone with our grades. I stopped dead in my track, and grabbed TJ’s upper arm.

“No way!”

“What?” TJ asked.

“We got an A for our paper! Holy…”

“No, that can’t be right!” TJ said, stunned. “Let me see!”

I showed TJ my phone with the email. It was specifically directed to us. The teacher even congratulated us for our excellent research work. TJ’s eyes were wide open when he looked at me, not knowing anything to say. After he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, he just launched himself at me, hugging me fiercely, not for a moment caring about anyone passing us.

“I-I… I just can’t remember the last time I got anything over a B.” TJ stammered after releasing me from his grip.

I beamed at him. “Not counting PE there I think?”

TJ scoffed but grinned widely. “No, but wow, this is amazing! And all thanks to you!”. And again, TJ pulled me in for a hug.

I laughed. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’ve done some amazing research. We’ve done this together.”

TJ’s eyes sparkled from the elation. “Together!”

A familiar, but significantly raised voice then caught our attention.

“O come on! How am I the only one to blame for this?” Jonah shouted in desperation, hurriedly following a very angry looking Alicia out of the building.

Alicia didn’t answer him, only slowed down for a moment to notice TJ and me, still hugging, and then sped up her pace, almost running away, with Jonah chasing her.

TJ and I quickly let go of each other, the mixture of confusion and worry on TJ’s face probably mirrored on mine.

“Um…, I think I better check if Jonah…” I said awkwardly.

“Yeah…” TJ answered, smiling reassuringly, “Go check on him. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Okay.” I smiled, and I turned to run after Jonah.

Luckily I didn’t have to run far. Jonah was still standing on the corner of the street, looking quite angry and despaired. When he noticed me coming towards him, his expression even hardened.

“Jonah… what’s…?”

“You better not fuck this up Cyrus” Jonah interrupted me angrily.

“What?” I stammered.

“You know what grade Alicia and I got for our project? Well?”

“Um…” I could only say, really not knowing how to respond to Jonah.

“We got a D! We got a fucking D! Now we’ve got to do an extra assignment.”

“O…” was my only response. I couldn’t remember Jonah being this angry before. It really was out of character. Also he never used swear words, so I was completely taken aback by his outburst.

“So you” Jonah spat, pointing his finger at me, “So you better make this all worthwhile. You better not fuck this all up. I’ve gone through all this so you could spend more time with TJ. I’ve told you to be careful. You know what the consequences of people finding out could be. And what do you do? You two are staring, hugging, and doing all lovey dovey. You even come to practice wearing his clothes!”

“I didn’t kn…”

“Why don’t you two just stick two large rainbows on your heads, riding to school together on a fucking pink unicorn, singing ‘Born this way’ by Lady Gaga? It would be more inconspicuous!”

Normally I would just laugh about Jonah’s dramatic statements, but he was visibly very angry, and I really didn’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry Jonah, I won’t…”

“Don’t say sorry to me, you idiot.” Jonah interrupted me again. “Just hope you don’t have to say sorry to yourself anytime soon. Or ever!”

And with that, Jonah turned around and walked away from me. And I felt lost without knowing how to make things right with my best friend.

Arriving at home that afternoon, I felt deflated. My mother of course picked up on my mood, but being a great mother, at first she just made tea for me. Putting down two mugs on the kitchen table, she sat down opposite of me.

“TJ?” she asked.

I raised my eyebrows. “Huh?”

“Do you have problems with TJ?” she explained.

“O… no. That’s great. We got an A for our project.”

“That’s great! What’s wrong then?”

I sighed. “Jonah is angry at me. He thinks TJ and I have to be more careful at school.”

My mother hummed. “Is he right?”

I stared out of the kitchen window, holding the mug with both my hands. “He probably is. I just don’t… want to think too much about the situation.”

My mother looked at me knowingly. “You know dear. There comes a time when you have to behave more as an adult, that you have to think about your behavior, and what the consequences could be for the long term. Your brain hasn’t fully grown yet, and the decision-making-part isn’t finished yet, but sometimes you have to try and be rational about the things you do. Not just for today, but what they will mean for the future.”

I stayed stubbornly silent, knowing of course that she was right. Only typical that my mother would use the moment to give a lecture about neuroanatomy.

“And Jonah loves you.” she added.

“I know…” I said. And that was the truth of course. He had gotten so angry only because he cared so much.

Later that night, in my room, just before I would go to bed, I held my phone deliberating if I should just call Jonah. I would have loved to feel better, knowing that my best friend wasn’t angry with me anymore. Before I could decide however, the screen lit up from an incoming call from TJ.

“Hey!” I answered.

TJ sounded agitated. “Cyrus, I’m so sorry, I’ve fucked up”

“What, how?’

“I was so proud of our project, and the A we received, I showed it to my parents when I got home.”

“So, what went wrong?”

“My mother saw you name on the front page together with mine, Cyrus. Your full name.”

As it was dawning on me what he meant, I felt my insides turn to ice slowly.

“And I didn’t know Cyrus, I didn’t know… She saw your last name and grew suspicious. And tonight she asked around in her church group and got the confirmation that your family is Jewish.”

My mouth felt completely dry, and I was not able to say a word back.

“Cyrus, are you still there? I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry. Now she doesn’t want me to hang out with you anymore and she’s even going to try to changing my course schedule so we aren’t going to be in the same classes.”

I sat down on my bed, feeling deflated, and not able to say a word. As I tried to process the new information, I felt my phone falling out of my hand on the floor. In a distant voice I could still hear TJ’s voice calling for me.

“Cyrus? Please say something! I’m so sorry! Cyrus?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe and healthy everyone! #stayhomestaysafe


	30. Crusade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crusade:  
_"a long and determined attempt to achieve something that you believe in strongly"___

The weather completely mismatched my mood that Monday morning on my way to school, almost like it was mocking me. The sky was bright and blue, the sun was shining, and everything outside just seemed so much more colorful and happy.

I wasn’t. Happy that is. I was moody, and my mind was clouded, filled with thoughts like rainstorms, making me all miserable. Replaying the events in my head from the days before was painful. As much as I wanted to forget them, they kept haunting me. On Saturday TJ had sent me a couple of text messages. He had apologized again, but he had also said that we had been too careless (tell me something new…), and we should probably stay away from each other for a while. After that he apologized again. I remember almost hyperventilating from the anxiety when I had read the messages. Was he breaking up with me? And when, with trembling fingers, I had texted him that exact question, he had immediately replied with a _hell no_. And then he had apologized.

Jonah didn’t answer my texts, and left my messages unread. So I felt empty, having a boyfriend that needed space, and a best friend that didn’t want to talk to me.

Walking to school, under that stupid blue sky, I had only the questions in my head to accompany me. What would happen now? Would I see TJ again? What was his mother going to do? Was Jonah still going to be mad at me, especially now that it had turned out he had been right about our carelessness (of course he had been right…, he had been right all the time…)?

Like the other students arriving early at school, I was just in time to witness a scene unfolding in front of the main entrance. Two adults were talking to each other, and it was painfully clear that it wasn’t exactly a dialogue. The man, dressed in a brown suit, was staring helplessly at the woman who was lecturing him. Not with a raised voice, but with a confident tone, and an iron and impenetrable attitude. She was clearly used to not being interrupted, or even worse, contradicted. With her left hand she was holding her black purse, and with her right hand she was pointing at the man. Her blond hair was neatly tight up in a bun, and her grey skirt and white blouse made her look authoritarian, in a vintage kind of way.

I could only watch the scene with a numb feeling. The last bit of energy seemed to drain from me. Next to me, I vaguely noticed my three friends coming up and standing next to me.

“Who _is_ that woman, and why is she talking to Metcalf that way?” Andi asked.

“That, Andi, is TJ’s mother.” I replied almost robotically.

“Is not!” Buffy said dumbfoundedly.

“Unfortunately, it is.” I said.

“What is she doing here then?” Buffy asked.

“She is probably trying to change TJ’s schedule somehow, or more likely, just giving her unhealthy opinion about her son working together with foreigners.”

“What?” Andi and Buffy asked together quizzically.  
“Cyrus, what happened?” Jonah, who had been silent up until this point, asked softly.

“TJ showed our history paper to his parents, and his mother found out about my heritage. And well…, she doesn’t agree with her son’s choice of study partners.” I said.

All three of my friends stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths, while we were just able to catch words like 'disgrace' and 'you will hear from me' as TJ’s mother walked away, leaving behind a visibly gobsmacked school principal.

“Go on.” I said bitterly to Jonah on my right side. “Say it”

“Say what?” Jonah asked.

“You can say ‘I told you so’. I know it. I’ve been stupid and you’ve been right.”

Jonah looked at me with sad and heartbroken eyes. “O Cyrus…” was all he said, before his arms were around me and he was hugging me tightly. I stiffened for a moment, before my body’s automatic memory kicked in from all the familiar feels and smells, and my arms wrapped themselves around my best friend, savoring the warmth it craved.

“Cyrus… I just needed some time. I was really irritated by the D, and Alicia… she’s just _really_ annoying. And I’m so worried about you. I’m happy you have TJ, but I’m afraid everything will fall apart if you’re not careful enough.”

“Too late. Everything’s falling apart already.” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“You don’t know that yet. Don’t be too pessimistic. And don’t beat yourself up too much. Just be careful.”

“Hm…” I replied, not ready to let go of Jonah just yet. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

“I’m sorry too.” Jonah said, and then, looking over my shoulder at Buffy and Andi. “This will be a good time for a group hug.”

Andi and Buffy wasted no time in making it a very sappy moment. It did do it for me however, and I could almost believe everything was going to be all right.

“Where’s TJ anyway?” Buffy asked, after we had released each other from our grips.

I scanned the grounds, searching for my boyfriend. I finally spotted him somewhere on the side, with some of his basketball friends, while he was doing a great job of trying to be as unnoticeable in the background as possible. His jaw was clenched, and he was stubbornly staring in the distance. I could only imagine how he was feeling at the moment.

“Do you think anyone other than you knew that that… thing was TJ’s mom?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t think so.” I sighed. “I certainly don’t hope so.”

During and between lessons that day, and the days that followed, TJ effortlessly slipped back into some his old habits. He was almost invisible during classes and he tried to look indifferent, although his eyes didn’t lie to me. I could spot the anger and sadness inside them. He didn’t exactly avoid me at school, but when we ran into each other, he barely nodded at me. I tried not to be worried or offended by this, because I knew it was for the best. I attended basketball practice as usual on Tuesday, but not even one time TJ looked in my direction. Other than that, he was excelling in the game, playing together with Buffy like they both had an extra sense for where the other was on the field. In a three-on-three when they were teamed up, they slaughtered the other team with a landslide victory, because they were constantly one step ahead of the other team, and easily found their way into a scoring position. It was entertaining to watch both of them with determined faces, communicating without words, and constantly giving each other high fives. It was stupid, but I just couldn’t help feeling jealous over it. That Tuesday evening, I sent TJ an _I miss you…_, and within two minutes he answered with an _I miss you too X_. And as much as I was filled with relief, I also got sad again, because now, this was the only thing I could get from him.

As the days of the week went by, I was wondering if it was just my imagination, or if the angry frown on his forehead really was increasing in size by the hour. I began to wonder if I should brace myself for some sort of explosion, but before I had enough time to get worried about it, TJ did in fact detonate. That Friday to be precise. In the canteen. During lunch break.

Buffy, Andi, Jonah and me were eating our lunches as usual, when suddenly we were startled by TJ sitting down next to me on the bench, slamming his lunch tray down quite aggressively. The four of us shot each other nervous glances. “Um… TJ?” I asked, confused.

TJ looked at us defiantly. He clearly was aggravated. “I’m having lunch, and I’m sitting next to my boyfriend. Try to stop me!” he said aggressively.

We all were lost for words about the situation. Buffy, Andi and Jonah all gave me a helpless look, as to signal for me to intervene.

I nervously looked around us, assessing how much attention we had already managed to attract. “Um, babe, what’s happening? Could you calm down for a moment?” I whispered to him.

TJ looked at me with his typical confident expression. “You know? I’ve been thinking. A lot! And it made me finally realize that it’s just stupid!” he said.

I looked at him, still not any wiser about it. “What’s stupid?”

TJ looked around the table. “You three, you’re all okay with me being Cyrus’ boyfriend right?”

All three my friends hurried to confirm that yes, they were okay with it.

“And you all have no problem whatsoever with us being gay?”

Again, all three hurried to shake their head.

“And I don’t know if Cyrus has already told you, but I visited his mother and stepdad last week. And you know what happened?”

The four of us looked at him not having the faintest idea what was to come. Even I hadn’t got a clue.

“They were nice to me!” TJ spat at us. “They were accepting me in their home as Cyrus’ boyfriend. And they let me know they care for me! And I felt at home and safe!”

It was of course a crazy thing to be angry about, but somehow TJ had managed to get himself worked up about it. I still was completely confused about all this.

TJ just carried on. “And did you hear the guys from the basketball team? Yes they make jokes about gay people sometimes, but as it turns out, they’re just okay with it. And you know what also happened? I told Michael from the team about Cyrus helping me with math, just to get a reaction, and I asked him if he didn’t mind Cyrus being gay. And he got mad at me for being some kind old-fashioned retard, and he thinks I’m a homophobe now!”

“Um, TJ… maybe you should…” I tried to interrupt.

“So, there seems to be no one in this school or town, that has any problem with gay people, or gay relationships.” TJ continued, still angrily. “So what the hell am I doing then? Why can’t I just act like a normal being, and enjoy my lunch together with my adorable boyfriend? Why can anybody else just push their relationship in my face by making out in the hallway and who knows what? Why don’t I just make out with _my_ boyfriend in the hallway?”

I let out a high squeak at those words, flushing bright red.

Jonah tried to intervene, holding his hand out to try to stop him. “Dude, calm down please. I know you’re right, but it’s not that easy. Think about your parents.”

TJ looked at Jonah furiously. “My parents are a couple of stupid narrow-minded people. They’ve raised me with ideas full of hatred, and idiotic ideas about white people’s Christian supremacy. If they would see me now, sitting at a table with an Afro-American girl, an Asian girl, a gay-loving white boy, and a Jewish boy, who even happens to my boyfriend, they would go completely mental. Well, guess what? They’re pathetic. They broke me. I don’t need them anymore. I don’t want them anymore. They can’t control me. They can go to hell!”

The only one capable of a reaction after that violent outburst was Buffy. I felt like all the air had left my body and I was on the verge of tears. Andi and Jonah just looked at him in shock. Buffy carefully laid one of her hand on top of his. “TJ, listen for a moment to me please” she said with the most caring voice I had ever heard. It seemed to have the right effect as TJ deflated a bit and looked her in the eyes. “First of all, unfortunately, your parents _can_ control you, because legally you’re a child. Secondly, as Jonah already said, you’re right and it’s stupid. Thirdly, take a look to your left, because there’s your boyfriend and you should give him some attention.”

TJ immediately turned his head. The moment he saw my distraught face, a tear running down my cheek, all the anger drained from his face right away, making way for concern and regret. “O Cyrus…, I’m so sorry for making you upset.” he started saying. “Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to get so angry. I’m not angry at you, I’m just angry about the whole situation.” He reached under the table for my hand, and intertwined our fingers. “I’m just so happy you’re my boyfriend and at the same time so frustrated I have to hold in all those feelings.”

I looked at the table and nodded, still overwhelmed by TJ’s outburst, in the middle of a busy school canteen. I just couldn’t find the strength to look him in the eyes.

TJ sighed in defeat. “Okay… sorry about all this. I will go again. I just… I don’t know.” He bit his lip before he continued. “Cyrus, before I will leave you to it, can I just speak to you alone, outside the canteen?”

I could already see the frown on Jonah’s face, and I could relate, because we had already attracted way too much attention.

“It’s just one thing. It’s very short, and after that I won’t bother you again.” TJ insisted.

“Sure.” I answered, and while I followed him outside, I already worried about the fact that apparently, TJ felt himself being a ‘bother’ to me.

In a silent corner, behind a planter outside of the canteen’s entrance, TJ suddenly seemed to get nervous.

“I’m really sorry for my anger Cyrus. Please forgive me. But I don’t think I can cope with all this anymore. All of this injustice causing so much struggle and pain. So I can only see one solution.”

My heart stopped. _O my god he’s going to break up with me! He’s breaking up with me! Please god no!_

“Will you go on a date with me tomorrow, Cyrus?”


	31. Vision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vision:  
_"a mental image of what the future will or could be like"_

“Will you go on a date with me tomorrow, Cyrus?”

Lost for words I looked at TJ, who was watching me expectantly. This was absolutely not what I thought he was going to say. How could this be in any way a solution to our problems?

“A date? You want to go on a date with me?” I managed to ask.

“Yes, of course I want to go a date with you! Now, what do you think?”

“I-I…, that doesn’t sound like the smartest of plans, TJ.”

TJ almost looked hurt. “You make it sound like it’s a bad thing. Don’t you want to go on a date with me?”

“No! I mean yes, I want to go on a date with you. Of course I do. But how will this help us now? Don’t you agree that at the moment this probably isn’t a good idea?”

For a moment, TJ studied the ground before he looked me in the eyes again. “Look Cyrus… I’m sorry I blew up in the canteen just now, I really am. And I know Jonah and Buffy are right. I’m not stupid. _I_ was the one telling you that nobody could know about us.”

“That didn’t go a planned…” I deadpanned.

“No it didn’t, really, and almost all of it’s my fault.”

“I don’t think you should…” I tried to interrupt.

“No, please let me say this.” TJ continued. “You and your friends have taught me so much about how life can be. I thought that the feelings I had were… not allowed, and that what we had, what we did, was almost against the law. It’s just how my brain is wired, or ‘washed’, so you will. And I’m increasingly aware that we’re doing nothing wrong, and subsequently I find harder and harder to…, um…, to play my roll.”

“As a tough, scary basketball guy.” I added in understanding.

“Yeah. And I’m _not_. I just want to be who I am: a not-so-scary-basketball guy, who happens to be gay, and has a great boyfriend. And it’s draining my energy, to see you all the time at school, but having to ignore you. It’s killing me. And I don’t have the solution to the parents-problem right now, but if I have to continue like this, I won’t survive. So all that I’m asking, is if you want to go on a date with me, act normal for just a couple of hours, and make some happy memories for me to coast on for a week or two. And then, when I’m feeling down, I can think back to our time together, and find the strength to go on somehow, until we’ll find a real solution. So that’s why I ask you again: Cyrus, will you please go on a date with me tomorrow?”

Yeah…, that’s what he said… And I’m only human. How could I ever refuse his request after _that_? There really was only one answer to that question.

“Yes I would love that.” I said, with probably a completely lovesick expression on my face.

TJ was beaming. “Great, can I pick you up at eleven tomorrow?”

“Sure… where are we going then?” I asked, romantically awestruck.

“Leave the logistics to me.” TJ answered smiling. “See you tomorrow.” And with that, TJ disappeared into the hallways, leaving me to battle any incoming doubts and questions, and to convince myself that this was, in fact, a great idea.

Needless to say, I didn’t succeed in not worrying about the ‘logistics’. What was he planning? Where on earth could we go, that we would be safe? And moreover, what would he tell his parents to be able to leave the house for a couple of hours? I really don’t think they would be happy knowing that he was about to take his Jewish boyfriend on their first date. And finally, should I tell my friends? I quickly dismissed the idea, although I felt terrible about it. No, the fewer people knew about it, the safer it would be.

And that’s why I told Jonah, Andi and Buffy that TJ only wanted to apologize to me personally when I got back in the canteen, and nothing else. I even told them I probably wasn’t going to make it to The Spoon the next day, because my aunt Ruthie was coming over. I was surprising myself by how calmly I was able to lie in their faces. I wasn’t so sure if that was TJ’s good or bad influence on me.

When I came across TJ at the end of the day, exiting the school, I didn’t feel anxious anymore when he walked by as if he even didn’t notice me. I finally had convinced myself that TJ wasn’t going anywhere, and he truly wanted to be my boyfriend, even regarding the difficult circumstances. It was liberating, and I couldn’t feel happier thinking about the date that was to come.

Saturday morning I was awake way too early, but I just was too excited and too nervous to sleep. The only thing for me to do was to just watch the clock, and try my best to force the hands of the clock to move faster by my telekinetic powers. (For your information: it didn’t work…). I was reduced to a nervous wreck, when exactly at 11, I saw TJ pulling into the driveway in his truck from my bedroom window. As fast as my legs could manage, and without tripping even once, I ran down the stairs to greet my boyfriend outside the house.

“Hi!” I yelled enthusiastically, internally cringing about how squeaky that had sounded.

“Hi Muffin! Are you ready for our date?” TJ said, stepping out of the car, all smiles and charms.

“Sure am!” I replied eagerly. “Um…, sorry to ask, but is that truck actually yours?”

“Yes it is”, TJ answered. “I may not have a cool phone, a nice laptop, or a working internet connection, I _do_ have this beauty.”

I chuckled at TJ's choice of words, describing his battered truck, that undoubtedly had seen better days, as a ‘beauty’.

“Sick!” I blurted in an attempt to sound cool, but cringing again about my awkwardness. Why couldn’t I just act normal? And why was I so nervous anyway? “I’m… surprised that your parents are okay with you having a truck of your own, to be honest.” I said.

When I saw TJ’s expression fall for a moment, I immediately added: “O sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up. I’m just a bit nervous I guess…”

TJ’s smile reappeared luckily. “Hm, yeah… Let’s just say that everything I do that reinforces the image of me being a butch, straight, true and faithful American has their approval. Driving in a pick up truck to a basketball game, wearing jeans and a plaid shirt does exactly that. As long as I don’t mention I have a picnic basket in the back to treat my adorable boyfriend, and the reason I refuse to wear a cowboy hat is because it messes up my perfectly styled hair, -everything to impress said boyfriend by the way-, all should be fine.”

“A picnic?”

“Uhuh” TJ confirmed, smiling smugly.

“And you’re driving me in your truck?”

“Yup.”

“And you’re sure you’re here for me? That I’m the one you’re taking?”

TJ laughed, showing his white teeth. “You should see yourself Muffin. I’m the lucky one here.”

He didn’t convince me with that to be honest. Just picture the image. There he was, in all his glory. My boyfriend indeed looked like an American dream. He was wearing blue jeans, a pair of red sneakers, and a burgundy plaid shirt with the top button open. On his head he had a pair of sunglasses, aviator style, and his hair was very carefully styled in a quiff. I suddenly felt a bit self-aware about my appearance, not even looking a bit cool and handsome like TJ.

“Stop thinking so hard Muffin.” TJ said, walking up to me, taking my hands and smiling reassuringly. “How many times do I have to tell you you’re amazing, and the cutest boy I’ve ever seen?”

“I wouldn’t mind hearing that all the time.” I answered truthfully.

TJ shook his head, smiling warily. He kissed me briefly on the lips. “You’re amazing,” -another kiss- “and you’re cute.”

I could only look dreamily into his eyes, making it a terribly timed moment for my mother to interrupt.

“TJ!” I could hear her exclaim dramatically behind my back. “Are you here to kidnap our son?”

TJ let me go and gave my mother a blinding smile. “Yes I am. Can I have your permission please ma’am?” he replied, playing along.

“Only if a get a hug first, and you come in for a cup of tea, dear!”, my mother said smugly. I rolled my eyes, but TJ was happy to oblige and took off his sunglasses before he walked up to my mother and gave her a hug. The difference with the last time they hugged in the same spot couldn’t be any bigger. As awkward as things had been the last time, now TJ seemed to be completely at ease.

Again, my mother held him at arm-length. “Goodness me, you’ve even got more handsome than the last time.”

“Mom!” I warned, not wanting TJ to get uncomfortable. They had been all nice and caring the last time, but that didn’t really assure me they would keep that up.

“O shush. I won’t take him away from you dear. Besides, I have the wrong body parts.”

“MOM!”

I saw TJ blushing a bit, but grinning nonetheless. I just prayed my mom and Todd wouldn’t start some competition in catching up with all the awkward parts, normally reserved for a first meeting with your parents’ boyfriend.

Once inside, Todd greeted TJ with the same enthusiasm as my mother had done.

“TJ! How nice to see you again! How are you?”

“Hello Todd! I’m fine thank you.” TJ answered politely, while shaking my stepfather’s hand.

It was hard not to be awestruck by the complete opposite atmosphere in the room, compared by the visit almost two weeks ago. My stepfather invited TJ to sit on the couch, while my mother made us tea. Effortlessly they engaged in small talk, without any of it becoming awkward, or feeling artificial. Sipping on his tea, TJ politely but comfortably answered questions about basketball, school, and of course our history project.

“TJ, if you don’t mind me asking, but… do your parents know you’re here?” Todd asked suddenly.

I inhaled sharply, and immediately focused on TJ, monitoring how the question affected him. TJ kept silent for a few moments before he answered. “It’s okay, I don’t mind you asking. But no, they don’t. And to be perfectly honest with you, they shouldn’t know… They _can’t_ know.”

“I see…” Todd said, nodding in understanding. “And what _did_ you tell them you were going to do today?”

“I told them nothing…” TJ answered truthfully. “They’re out of town today. Some sort of meeting you don’t want to know the details about. They shouldn’t be back until the evening. As long as I’m back before they are, they won’t notice.”

There was a tense silence for a moment, for all of us to think of the best response to his confession. It was my mother who broke the silence eventually.

“I understand dear,” she said, putting her hand on top of his. “I’m not really happy about it, but I understand. I’m sure everything is going to be all right.”

I could almost hear TJ thinking he was sure that most certainly not _everything_ was going to be all right. But at the same time, I also didn’t have the slightest of hesitation in thinking TJ not wanted for all things to turn out all right, if that meant that there would come a time when he had to introduce me to his parents. Even if, by some miracle, they would turn into decent, and accepting beings, even then I think that TJ wanted to shield me from them.

“Thanks.” TJ just simply said.

Luckily Todd broke the awkward tension by changing the subject. “Can I make you another cup of tea, before you go TJ?”

My boyfriend looked relieved. “Yes please, one more is okay. But after that, I want to take Cyrus with me for our date.” And with saying that, he looked at me smiling, and took my hand.

Todd beamed at him. “Great, where are you two going?”

“I thought of taking Cyrus on a cruise, to a sunny resort with white sandy beaches and a blue sea, drinking cocktails from coconuts while watching the sun setting behind the horizon, after which we dance to the live music underneath the palm trees.” TJ answered with a straight face. “But I think I’ll save that for our honeymoon.”

All three of us were looking at him with open mouths. _Wait, what? Honeymoon?_

“Besides, we not allowed to drink yet. So for now I’ve decided on a picnic with sandwiches and ice tea.” TJ added.

I chuckled behind my hand looking at my parent’s faces. They had definitely not seen that one coming. Suddenly my mother burst out laughing. “Well, I can tell you one thing, young man. Don’t you dare marry our son without asking me first. And _we_ will pay for the wedding.”

My mother laughed. My stepfather spluttered something about splitting the bill. My boyfriend smiled and laughed along holding my hand.

And then it struck me. This was like a perfect vision of what our future could be. The relaxed and playful atmosphere, a boyfriend relaxed enough to make jokes, my parents smiling and laughing along, comfortable in each other’s presence. It could be our future. It _should_ be our future. But denying the existence of TJ’s family and backstory was as tempting as it was dangerous.

Would it also be our future? O, I hoped so. I sure did hope so.


	32. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love:  
_"an intense feeling of deep affection"_

I was free!

It was only the two of us, in his car, on our way to somewhere, anywhere, it didn’t matter. I had never felt easier to breath, never seen things this bright, never heard things this clear. His car was our bubble. No people around us to judge. No people we had to hold back for. We were together as a couple, in the safest place possible. TJ was shining and smiling, his left hand on the steering wheel, and his right hand had found its way to my left knee, radiating a comforting warmth through the fabric of my jeans.

I was channeling all my strength to focus on the moment, to imprint everything I experienced in my brain. Everything I felt, saw and heard I just had to remember up to the tiniest of details. Every molecule of the moment had to find its way into my memory.

I didn’t know much about cars, didn’t care much about them. But TJ’s ‘beauty’ was definitely a vintage model. The dials and gauges, as far as they were functional anyway, were round with classic style digits and red needles, and all embedded in a brown colored dashboard. A pair of cliché black fuzzy dice were hanging from the rear-view-mirror.

“What is that?” I asked, pointing at a device in the center console.

“That’s a cassette player, Muffin.” TJ answered.

“A cassette player? O wow…, I thought they were extinct.” I said.

TJ laughed. “No they’re not. My car is a time machine actually. We’re back in the eighties. And this is how we listen to music. It works. Put a cassette in, they’re in the glove box, I have the latest music in here.”

Intrigued I opened the glove box and picked the first cassette I saw.

“This is ‘The Game’ by Queen.” I said. “The latest music indeed…”

“We’re in the eighties my sugar, this is very modern. Fine choice, put it in!” TJ said, now in complete dork-mode.

Shaking my head in fondness it took a while for me to figure out how to put a cassette in the player. And when the music was finally blaring through the speakers I only had to sit back and enjoy the show my boyfriend was putting on. He was singing along effortlessly, and quite dramatically to be honest. It was fun to watch him this carefree. Some songs I recognized, other’s I didn’t know. The last one I did recognize, and as TJ was singing it directly to me, I was afraid we would crash into other cars because he hardly paid any attention to the road anymore.

_This thing called love, I just can't handle it  
this thing called love, I must get 'round to it  
I ain't ready  
crazy little thing called love_

I hadn’t blushed in TJ’s presence for a while, but now I felt the heat creeping up my head again…

_There goes my baby  
he knows how to rock and roll  
he drives me crazy  
he gives me hot and cold fever  
then he leaves me in a cool, cool sweat_

O god, he had even changed the pronouns of the song. And while I almost even didn’t dare looking at my boyfriend, he laughed warmly and gently squeezed my knee. “You’re even more cute when you’re flustered Muffin.”

“You’ll be the death of me.” I mumbled. Like I had experienced before, it was amazing how we balanced each other out. When TJ was feeling insecure or emotional, those were the moments I felt most confident and able to support him, and give him the reassurance he needed. When TJ was cool and collected, like he was now, were the times I felt completely flustered and insecure, sometimes doubting myself as I couldn’t imagine why he was attracted to me. Those were also the moments he could ground me immediately, as he seemed to sense flawlessly when I needed that.

“Thank for coming on this date with me Cyrus. I’m having a great time already.” he said in all sincerity. And just like that, the insecurities I felt were gone again. He was having a great time, so apparently my company couldn’t be that bad. “I’m having a great time too. Are we there yet?” I said.

“Well, if I remembered the map correctly, we should be at the start of a trail through the forest in just a couple of moments.” TJ answered.

In an instant my nerves were back. “O, are we hiking then? I’m not sure if I’m wearing the right gear. And I also didn’t pack plasters to cover any blisters, or tweezers to remove ticks, or sunblock, or… um anything really…”

“Stop rambling and relax Muffin.” TJ laughed. “I already figured I wouldn’t make you happy with too much physical activity.”

“O…, yeah. For future reference, I have a list of all physical activities I can’t do…” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Is sitting on the grass, and enjoying a picnic on the list?” TJ asked.

“No…”

“Is giving your boyfriend a kiss on the list?”

“You know it isn’t…” I muttered.

“Then we’re okay. And here we are!” TJ said, while driving his car onto a small parking lot, next to the entrance of the forest.

After TJ had made a scene about getting out of the car first and holding the door for me (“I know you’re not a girl, but I asked you on a date, so let me have this”), we were walking down the trail, TJ with a backpack on over his shoulder (“yeah, I know I said I had a basket but we don’t exactly have any regular picnic equipment in our house”). TJ had grabbed my hand as we were walking, letting our arms swing in between us. After a couple of minutes I spotted an older man walking his dog approaching us. I was already preparing myself to let go of TJ’s hand, but instead of loosening his grip, he only held tighter onto my hand. I looked curiously at TJ. His shoulders were tense, his lips pressed together, but his eyes determined. He held my hand on full display, for everyone to see. Well, for one man and a dog to be more precise. As the man passed us in opposite direction, he nodded politely at us, not even blinking his eyes.

I could immediately see TJ’s shoulder relaxing. That was quite a victory for him. In support I squeezed his hand. TJ glanced at me and gave me a small smile.

It didn’t take long for us to reach a clearing in the forest. It was a beautiful lush grassy field. In the distance there was a lonely wooden hut, and the sunrays were beautifully shining through the trees. TJ nodded, contentment across his face. “This will do.” he said, and he put his backpack on the ground. He then pulled out a checkered blanket and spread it out over the grass.

As I sat down, cross-legged, TJ emptied the contents of his backpack carefully onto the blanket. Among the items there were chicken sandwiches, ham sandwiches, glazed donuts, croissants, brownies, two half-liter bottles of ice tea and a large bottle of water.

“You bought a whole bakery.” I said stunned.

TJ scratched the back of his head. “I’m sorry Cyrus, I’m not really a pro at this. But I just bought a couple of things I thought would be nice.”

“I love it.” I said reassuringly, and I gave him a small kiss on the cheek, resulting in a small blush on TJ’s face, much to my pleasure. “And do you know that the French word ‘croissant’ literally translates into ‘crescent’, which is the original shape for this pastry in France?” I added.

“No I didn’t know that, my genius.” TJ replied, giving me a kiss in return. “But I bought them for eating, not for lecturing.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you’ll have to learn to deal with my endless knowledge of fun facts about food.” I said, taking a bite from my croissant anyway.

TJ rolled his eyes, and chuckled. “I’ll find a way.”

And so time flew by, and after I had eaten way too much food, I was lying down on my back studying the clouds, with my head in TJ’s lap. His hand was slowly caressing my hair. I’m not sure if heaven exists, but if it does, I am pretty sure what it looks like now…

“I really have to apologize to you Cyrus.” TJ suddenly broke the silence.

“What for?” I asked, tilting my head a bit backwards to look him in the eyes.

“For the blatant ignorance I have displayed. Do you remember us sitting in The Spoon together for the first time, and you asked me how I thought that my future would look like?”

I couldn’t suppress a smile. “Yeah… something about a wife and kids…”

“Yeah…” TJ said, absentmindedly picking blades of grass. “When I think back at it, I feel ashamed about myself. About my lack of knowledge, about ignoring everything I could ever want for a future, when it was right there in front of me.”  
I held my breath while TJ continued. “And maybe I pity the person that I was. I feel detached to that person, estranged… You see…now I can very clearly see how I want my future to be. In about ten, fifteen years I want to be married to a wonderful man. Not just a man. No, the man, that when he was a teenager, saved me from myself and my life, and made me a better person in every possible way. You know him. He’s smart, geeky, likes cats, knows loads of fun facts about foods, and his favorite dinosaur is a pyro…, a pero…, parodosilus or something like that.”

I almost ignited from all the love I felt at that moment, and I smiled like an idiot, not believing my luck. I sat upright and put my right hand on his face, caressing his cheekbone, and kissed him slowly. “Pterodactylus” I said.

“That’s what I said” TJ smiled, his eyes sparkling. He took my right hand from my face, and intertwined our fingers. “Okay, maybe this is getting way too cheesy, but let me say one more thing.” he said. “I now realize I knew nothing about friendship and love before I met you, absolutely nothing. Take for example the thing you have with Jonah, it’s just…, for me it’s mindboggling. When I see you two together, you’re so… in sync with each other. And sometimes I don’t know what to make of it because I’ve never had that. I’m still afraid sometimes, he’ll take you away from me.”

I hurried to give TJ’s hand a squeeze. “That will never happen, you know that. What Jonah and I have is completely different from what _we_ have. He won’t take me away from you, just as much as you won’t take me away from _him_.”

TJ smiled hesitantly. “I know. But my brain can’t keep up sometimes. Deep inside I know that now. I have learned a lot about feelings the last weeks. It was scary some of the time, to feel all these new emotions, to make sense of all that I’ve experienced. I now know that I’ve never truly loved before, and that I’ve never truly been loved before. It’s sad to think about it, but I’m also very happy I get to experience it now… I finally know how it feels to really love someone.”

Once again my breathing hitched at those last words. Did TJ just really say what I thought he was saying? He smiled widely looking me in the eyes.

“Yes Cyrus. I meant you. I just said I love you.”

I could only look at him with wide eyes. I must have looked like some crazy person. “Could you repeat that?” was my ridiculous reply to his romantic love confession.

TJ chuckled, looking fondly at me. “I – Love – You.” he repeated, emphasizing every word.

It took some time to find my voice, to assure him I was feeling the same. “I love you too.” I whispered, still not completely convinced this was really happening.

“I know.” TJ answered simply. “I can feel that. It’s a great feeling. It’s new to me, but I can feel that you love me.”

For a moment I didn’t know what to do, how to process all the feelings coming at me. I’m sure I looked like a fool, just staring at the boy in front of me, once again asking myself how I had gotten so lucky. But fortunately I quickly remembered how to move, so I launched myself at him, pushing him backwards, kissing him senseless. TJ laughed, and wrapped his arms around me.

“Can I add one more cheesy thing Muffin?” TJ asked, looking me in the eyes.

“There’s more?”

“Lots…” TJ said. “But the moment I saw you in the gym, I knew it was you. Maybe more on a subconscious or suppressed level, but I knew it was you.”

The moment we first looked in each other’s eyes was imprinted in my brain of course. “So you _do_ remember that moment?” I said.

“Of course I do. It was the moment I knew I was lost, and my body and mind immediately went into panic-mode.” TJ answered.

“Why… did you go into panic-mode.” I asked, not completely sure if I was overstepping any boundaries.

TJ sat upright, leaving me lying down and looking at his back. He stayed silent for a moment, staring into the distance. For a moment I was afraid I had ruined a perfect date. Then he took a deep breath and started talking.

“His name was Andrew.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics from the song are (of course) by Freddy Mercury/Queen. Song title is "Crazy little thing called love" and was originally launched in 1980 as a track on the "The Game" album.


	33. Interlude 8: TJ's Story

_  
Let me start at the beginning. I was born and raised in a small town in Texas. I’m sure my parents originally had wanted more children, but apparently something went wrong during childbirth, because they weren’t able to produce any siblings after I was born. My mother never really talks about it, and asking about it is out of the question, but I always felt my parents somehow blame me for it. Which is ridiculous of course, but from day one I have always felt a feeling of judgment surrounding me._

_My parents quickly decided to homeschool me. Having the particular set of convictions as they do, there wasn’t a school adequate enough to give me a decent education, according to their standards anyway. As my father was, and is, always out working, I spent the majority of my youth next to my mother, at the kitchen table. She was in exact control of what I was to learn, and what not. I didn’t learn a lot about dinosaurs, I can tell you that… Being a child, of course I didn’t know any better. As far as I was concerned, this was normal life. And not having any siblings, or classmates, I hardly ever saw any other children. Only in church, or during meetings my parents sometimes held in our house, I came across them. But almost all of them were in a similar situation like me, and almost none of them had developed any normal social skills._

_The rare occasions I was allowed to play outside, I often walked around the block, but I never felt brave enough to talk to other children from the neighborhood. Or maybe ‘brave enough’ is not the right expression, I just hadn’t learned how to interact with other children. Most of the time I went to a basketball field just around the corner, watching older children play. I was fascinated by it, and I knew for certain that I wanted to do that for myself one day._

_I don’t exaggerate when I say that I had to nag for years, and without result for a long time, to get my own basketball. Most of my birthday presents were of a practical nature like new pants, or new glasses, but finally, for my twelfth birthday I got one. I remember it being the happiest day of the year, and after that I spent most of my free time at the basketball court shooting hoops, and most of the time all by myself._

_Then, two things happened. First of all, I made a friend. I was at the basketball court, and all of a sudden, there was this boy approaching me. He had short black hair and blue eyes, a rare combination by the way. I tried to ignore him, but he just kept on standing there, at the sideline watching me._

_“Can I try?” he suddenly asked, and startling me. After I checked if it was really me he was talking to, I just shrugged and offered him the ball. He took a shot, and missed by the way, after which he went after the ball and brought it back to me._

_“Now you again. We’re taking turns.” he said, holding the ball in front of me. I kept studying him instead of answering, not used by this kind of interaction._

_“My name is Andrew.” he then said. “What’s your name?”_

_“TJ.” I answered, still a bit suspicious._

_“You can throw now, TJ.” he said, again offering the ball. This time I nodded and took it from his hands, and I threw it through the hoop. Andrew clapped his hands._

_“O, you’re good at it. Now me again!” Andrew said enthusiastically._

_And so my friendship with Andrew began. He wasn’t deterred by my awkwardness, and we ended up playing together for at least two hours. In the end I remember feeling very happy, and even laughing together with him. Moreover, I clearly recall being mesmerized by his face, and most of all by his eyes, so beautifully contrasting with his hair._

_The second major thing that happened, was it became too difficult for my mother to keep up the homeschooling. To give you an idea, I’m better at math than her. Looking back at it, I really think it was an agonizing dilemma for them, but in the end, my parents decided to take me to school._

_So, after I had I turned thirteen, for the first time in my life I went to school like everybody else. In our town we had not much choice, so I ended up in a relatively normal school. And that meant almost everything was new to me. I couldn’t really relate to all the social interactions. I wasn’t familiar with most of the unspoken rules about how to interact with each other. I felt completely insecure, so I learnt for myself to attract as little attention as possible, and avoid most of the social situations. There were however two bright spots. Firstly, I quickly discovered I was pretty good at playing basketball compared to others, and I noticed that helped in preventing from me getting bullied. Apparently, being good in a sport somehow makes you popular, which is stupid by the way, but for me it worked. And secondly, I had Andrew, because it turned out he was attending the same school. So most of the time, I was glued to his side, and he acted as some sort of a lifeline, helping me and protecting me from awkward situations, when my social skills were lacking._

_I considered Andrew my best friend, my only friend to be precise. Our friendship was a bit flawed I think, because I wasn’t allowed to go home with him, nor was he allowed to come over to my place. So our friendship stayed limited by our times at school and the basketball court. Looking back, I imagine I was just of Andrew’s many friends, but for me personally, our bond was something very precious, and it stayed that way during the two years to come._

_Never having had any other real friends, I also couldn’t really distinguish different feelings from each other. With my current knowledge, I know it’s obvious I developed a huge crush on him, maybe even falling in love. But at that time, I just couldn’t tell the difference between friendly feelings and love, because I knew neither of those emotions. So, thinking your friend has a pretty face just felt normal, and so did wanting to be close to him all the time. And because I also had, or maybe even still have, no clue how to express myself properly, things went along fine. We were sitting next to each other at school, and after school we would hang out, most of the time at the basketball court, like I told you. _

_But as time went by, we grew older, and Andrew was developing like a normal teenager hitting puberty. And by normal I mean more average, more than me anyway. So I became more and more some sort of liability to him because of all the restrictions in my life. I just couldn’t keep up with him, because his interests were shifting. He got a nice phone, an Instagram account, an interest in girls, and a tendency towards wanting to try all kind of new things. You know, the standard things that no parent wants to know: smoking, guns, bikes, that kind of stuff. And yeah, I know I can’t really call it standard, because I’m sure you didn’t do any of those things, but forgive me for not knowing a better word._

_So not only I felt increasingly desperate to keep up somehow, which I couldn’t, but also I felt a growing urge to kiss him. I had observed of course that boys don’t usually kiss each other, so it was clear something was off. This was again something that made me feel different from other boys, adding fuel to a growing feeling of discomfort, estrangement and, in the end, anger. As a result I got better and better in keeping people at distance, to avoid getting exposed as an outcast._

_One person was an exception. One person I just couldn’t keep away from me. That person was Andrew of course. He must have been aware of the old-fashioned standards I was being raised to, but he didn’t seem to mind really. For some people, I was even considered to be cool because of my distant behavior, and my refusal to show any emotion. I’m sure that also was one of the reasons Andrew kept putting up with me. I became more of a status symbol to him, rather than a real friend. I didn’t mind, as long as he kept being around me, making me feel safe._

_Then finally, after about two and a half years of friendship, Andrew was allowed to come over. My mother had seen him a couple of times, and apparently she had approved of our friendship. I was excited as much as I was terrified. Having convinced him to come to my place, I hadn’t got a clue what to do. Moreover, that particular afternoon my mother had some sort of meeting with other like-minded women. I don’t have a clue what those meetings were about, but it heavily involved quoting from the bible. But as a consequence, I wasn’t allowed to make noise, or to disturb the meeting in any way. Because of this, I decided it would be best to just do what I knew, basketball, only than in our garden._

_Playing basketball soon turned into goofing around in the backyard, like teenagers do. It started by passing each other the ball, and then he threw it way too hard to startle me. To get even with him I chased him, and both laughing loudly I tackled him to the ground, eventually pinning his arms to the grass, hovering over him, and looking him into his eyes. That’s the moment I felt everything shifting. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. So I lowered myself and kissed him, and after a moment I felt him kissing me back, hesitantly. Until this day, I’m asking myself if I have imagined it, but then I remember it clearly. Maybe he was just curious, that’s possible. But the effect it had on me was significant. All of a sudden my body reacted and I felt aroused, so I lowered myself further until our bodies touched, and my right hand was placed on his face. And while I started to stroke his cheek, with an aroused body pushing against him, I started to deepen the kiss. And that’s when all hell broke loose._

_Andrew pushed me away violently, with a force I didn’t know he had. He looked at me with big scared and angry eyes. Both still on the ground, panting, we looked at each other not knowing what to say. I just wanted to turn back the time, or to pretend it never happened. It had all happened so fast, and almost beyond my conscious control. Finally he stood up and said only one word._

_“Fag”_

_Then he ran away from me to the backdoor of the house. I ran after Andrew, into the house. As he was standing in the living room, all six adults were staring at him, my mother visibly very annoyed for being interrupted. I just stood right behind him, with a heart beating out of my chest and cold sweat on my face._

_“TJ just kissed me!” Andrew said, to no one in particular. “And he touched me!”_

_From that moment on, I can’t remember much. Everything went to black. I knew I ended up in my room somehow, bruises developing on my left upper arm, probably from the force that my mother gripped me with, and literally threw me into my room. I don’t know how long I was left there with the door locked, it could be four days, it could be four weeks. I literally had to beg for a glass of water after a while, and only after a couple of days, I also got some brown bread. I was a prisoner in my own room, in my own house. I was only allowed outside of my room at set times to go to the bathroom._

_Finally, one day the door to my room opened, and I had to pack a bag. Without explaining anything, my parents put me in the car and drove me two hours away from home, staying silent during the whole drive. I was so frightened. I hadn’t got a clue where we were going, or what they were going to do. At last we arrived at what looked like a camp in the woods. There were cabins, a fireplace, a lake, and in the center of it all was a small wooden church. When we were all standing outside of the car in front of the entrance, me with my bag over my shoulder, my mother finally spoke._

_“You’re extremely lucky you’re our only child. You will stay a while here, to be properly re-educated, until we come and pick you up again. Here you will learn to be a real American, with decent norms and values.”_

_Then my parents got back in the car, and just like that they drove away from me. I was left all on my own. I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t know how long I had to stay. My only family despised me, and my only friend had betrayed me. I had no one. I had only myself. And there and then I decided I didn’t want anyone else in my life than me. Other people I didn’t understand, they were unpredictable and dangerous, and creating a connection with just one of them could only lead to more misery._

_During my time at the camp, I survived. I learned how to chop wood, how to build a canoe, how to fish, and even how to drive a pick up truck. I was also thoroughly educated about specific Christian values, and what is right and, more importantly, what is wrong. You have no idea what kind of obsolete prejudices were used to insure we were all going to take the right path in life. I’ll leave it up to you to imagine what I learned about gay people for example. Although I think you can, based on my earlier behavior. I didn’t make friends. I didn’t want to. I turned sixteen during camp. Can you believe that I only noticed two days afterwards that it had been my birthday? There weren’t any celebrations. Birthdays were irrelevant; it just wasn’t a manly achievement, and certainly not one for earning presents and mundane things like a cake, or just a song._

_Shortly after that, my parents came to pick me up again. In total I had spend a couple of months at the camp. If they were happy to see me again, they did a good job in hiding it. The more probable explanation is that they just weren’t. Soon I noticed we were driving in the wrong direction, and I dared to point it out._

_“Aren’t we’re going home?” I asked._

_“Yes we are. Because of the shame that you brought to us, there was no other option for us than to move homes. We’re going to a new home, where nobody knows us, and we can start over. I expect no more problems from you, Thomas. You will show impeccable and normal American behavior. Our true mission is to make this country great again, and our Lord will help us guide the way, and we will live our lives the way he has intended.”_

_If I was capable of having other feelings towards my parents than resentment, I would predominantly feel sorry for them. It’s mind blowing how narrow minded they are. It’s probably too late for them too change, their minds are set in concrete. They didn’t take into account the tiny part in my brain that from the start had been resisting their determined efforts to brainwash me, the part in my brain that craved for attention, for love, for freedom. The part that just wanted to play, just wanted to be happy, or to love whoever I wanted to love, the part that was allowed to make its own mistakes, and to learn from bad experiences. You know, I think maybe that’s the more valuable lesson I learned, that you can learn from everything that happens to you, and even when it’s something bad, or especially when it’s something bad, there’s something to learn from it. Mind you, that lesson I have only learned in the last weeks._

_Arriving here in Shadyside about two months ago, I was again determined to just survive, nothing more. To not make friends, and to not let anyone in. For the first weeks I think I successfully convinced my parents that I had indeed become a model male tough citizen. I could even have my own truck. And after thorough research, your school was picked for my further education. I don’t know how and why they picked it. I imagine the principal has a very convincing sales talk. My mother is keeping an eye on me all the time, however. And that’s also why I have to be home on time every day. Thank god they don’t do smartphones, and they go to bed early, which gives me some sort of freedom to sneak out once in a while, or to go wherever I want within the time limits, without them knowing my exact location._

_My plan to not make friends, or to let people in, of course failed miserably, already on the third day of school. On Tuesday I had immediately joined the basketball team practice. It fitted within my new image, so it wasn’t hard to convince my mother to let me join. After practice, I didn’t tell her however about the annoyingly good other player in my team. The reason for not telling being it was a female, and an Afro-American for that matter. It’s just lucky my parents wouldn’t attend a basketball game, because they would have forbidden me to play without hesitation._

_During practice I did convince coach of my qualities however, and he decided to let me play the next day against The Raptors. I think much to Buffy’s annoyance by the way, she must have hated my guts. I still felt lots of anger about the whole situation, and I just couldn’t find the power to play normally with her, to pass her the ball. Large parts of my brain were still convinced that that just wasn’t how it was supposed to be._

_Then, suddenly during the game, time froze. I spotted a boy sitting at the front row of the bleachers. He had brown hair and brown eyes, and an incredible cute smile. My heart stopped for a moment, and that small part in my brain was screaming at me that that boy was the one. That was the person I should go after. But all the traumatized other parts of my brain quickly overruled it, and I decided I had to do my best to forget him, and to pretend that moment had never happened._

_The rest of the story you know._

_And I’ve never seen Andrew again by the way._


	34. Al-Ghaib

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Al-Ghaib:  
_"an Arabic expression used to convey that something is concealed in some way"_

That Saturday had been the best day of my life, without any doubt! TJ had been the best boyfriend ever. There wasn’t anything that I could think of that he could have done any better. And he had told me that he loved me! What do you think about that? TJ Kippen! Loved me! And he had talked about marriage even. Okay, it hadn’t been that serious, but hey…, a guy can dream.

Also he had told me his backstory, which was heart wrenching. How people could treat their children like that was beyond my imagination. Already I had intended to give him the best birthday ever, when we was going to turn 17. I had still about eight months to prepare, but it couldn’t hurt to start planning right away. I would make him the biggest birthday cake ever, and make sure that he got loads of presents.

When he had finished telling his story, I had just simply hugged him from behind, my arms around his upper body, and our cheeks pressed together. We had stayed like that for a couple of minutes. His story had made so much sense. Now I understood why he had reacted the way he did all those times. Why he had been so scared, and closed off. I wanted to make sure he knew he was loved now. He had been a bit emotional after that, but soon enough I had made him smile again. He had seemed to be very relieved he had shared all of his secrets, and I had made sure he was okay again. So I had given him an extra dose of kisses, and found out that he was very ticklish in his neck area.

Now I was home again. He had brought me there like a gentleman, again holding the door for me. With a last small kiss he had driven away to get home on time. Although his parents weren’t going to be home until that evening, he wanted to be home before five, just to be on the safe side. More than I ever I could understand that. I watched him until he disappeared around the corner, and I shivered when I thought what ‘home’ exactly entailed for him.

I made sure to text him an _‘I love you, I had the best day of my life!’_ before even entering the house. Nothing could be too much, or too cheesy. I was in love and I wanted to yell it from the rooftop of my house. Only I couldn’t do that of course…

Walking into the house, I tried to act nonchalant, but I failed miserably.

“Well someone’s happy.” my mother teased.

I couldn’t be annoyed about her teasing in any way. I _was_ happy. “I had the best day ever mom.” I said, grinning from ear to ear.

My mother hugged me. “I’m happy for you dear. You know, I like that TJ very much!”

I released myself from my mother’s grip. “I do too.” I smiled.

“Well, as long as he keeps looking at you as if you’re the most valuable thing in the universe, I’ll approve.” she said.

“Thanks mom.” I said, and once again, for a moment I had to think about TJ coming home, not being able to share anything about today with his parents.

The whole Sunday I kept feeling warm, thinking back at the day before. A shame really TJ hadn’t sent a text back when he had gotten home. Well, he wasn’t attached to his phone like all the other teenagers, and now it was Sunday, and he was probably strictly forbidden to use it on this specific day. I couldn’t wait to see him again Monday, but I realized simultaneously that we had promised each other to ignore the other, to avoid raising suspicion. Boy, that wasn’t going to be easy.

Monday I almost danced the whole way to school. Then something came to mind. I had lied to my friends about my date. They didn’t know about it. I still felt terrible about it. I _had_ to tell them some time. Besides, I was just too happy about it, and I couldn’t keep it inside all the time. So what to do? Luckily, I came up with a solution in my head. When they were going to observe how well TJ and I could act indifferently towards each other this week, and how well we could pretend there was absolutely nothing going on between the two of us, yes, then I could tell them without too much danger of them getting too mad at me. That was a good plan. I would tell them on Friday, and until that time, I would behave exemplary.

I greeted my friends in front of the school. Jonah gave me a hug. He always knew how to make me feel better, and I’m sure he was feeling bad for me because I couldn’t see TJ. Little did he know... Speaking of which, I didn’t spot TJ in front of the school. I also didn’t see him in the hallway, or at the lockers. I even noticed Lester and Alicia walking by, no TJ in sight. Lester was talking animatedly at the girl, and she was trying her best to ignore him, by the looks of it. For a moment I caught her eyes, but her look darkened for a moment and she walked past me without acknowledging me any further. That’s when I started to feel a bit worried.

I had two shared classes with TJ on Mondays, usually. He was in neither of them. Needless to say, I had gotten extremely nervous by now, chewing on my pencils, and I was not able to concentrate in any way.

“Is TJ not here?” Jonah asked halfway through the day.

“I… I don’t know…” I said anxiously. “Maybe he’s sick or something” I added, more trying to assure myself that Jonah. “Or his mother really succeeded in changing his schedule.”

“Hm, yeah, that’s possible.” Jonah said. “Did you hear from him during the weekend?”

“N-no” I said, looking at the table in front of me. I just had to be patient. He’s probably just not feeling well. He’ll be back tomorrow, I thought, trying to calm myself down.

Before my school day ended, I knew I had one more chance. There was one class I knew TJ wouldn’t want to skip. So I went, like I had done before, to the arts classroom and I waited impatiently until class had ended. I had already visualized what I hoped I would see. TJ would be standing there, in front of the record player. On his head he would have a pair of headphones, and his face would be all peaceful from the music he was listening to. It would probably be a classical piano piece again. He would smile at me, and say _‘hey muffin!’_, and he would put the headphones on my head, surprising me once again with his broad musical taste.

After everyone had left the room, I peeked inside. The room was empty. My heart fell. I felt myself tearing up, and then I scolded myself. I just had to calm down. Nothing was the matter probably, I had to man up, for TJ. Would he be crying like a baby? No, he had been through so much pain, he had been so strong. Surely I could do a day without him without immediately falling apart.

I walked to the record player, and with trembling hands I searched through the records on the shelf. All the records looked alike, and it took me a long time to find the right one, the one with the title I was looking for. Struggling to get the record out of the sleeve, and onto the player, I finally managed to get some sound from the headphones. Concentrating on my breathing I let myself calm down from the beautiful melody of 'Clair de Lune', exactly the same song that TJ had let me listen to a couple of weeks earlier. God… it seemed like a lifetime ago.

Finally I had convinced myself I had calmed down enough to go home. I could do this. I would see him tomorrow. Nothing was wrong, he just had forgotten to text me, that was all. I took my phone to send him a text myself.

_Hey, are you okay? I missed you. Will I see you tomorrow?_

Was that too needy? Would he roll his eyes reading that? Would he finally get annoyed with me now? Who wants a boyfriend that constantly wanted to know where you were? The rational part of my brain stopped the emotional part from rambling any more. _‘Love you! Cy (aka Muffin)’_ I sent as an extra text, to make it all a bit more light hearted.

Walking out of the school, I was expecting to go home by myself, but how could it be otherwise, Jonah was still there waiting for me. It was like he had an extra sense for when I needed comfort the most. I felt torn apart about it. I knew that he knew I was worried about TJ. But I also knew that he didn’t know that we went on a date, and I now knew everything about TJ’s life. But most of all, I felt relieved seeing Jonah. Without saying anything, I just walked up to him and gave him a hug. We didn’t need words. I understood why he had waited for me, and he understood how much I appreciated it. Jonah just returned my hug and rubbed my back in circles.

“You okay Cy?” Jonah finally spoke, while we were walking home.

“Yeah… just a bit worried because TJ didn’t text me anything. But he’s not really a phone-person, so it’s nothing probably. We all have our sick days.” I said.

Jonah hummed. “Yeah. I just can’t really imagine him wanting to stay at home more than absolutely necessary. You know, with that mother and all.”

That remark flared up my anxiety again. It wasn’t on purpose, but Jonah had a valid point.

“I’ve now seen her twice in one week, and it’s already more than enough for me. Creepy woman.” Jonah continued.

I froze in my spot, causing Jonah to look at me with confusion.

“Twice?” I asked squeakily, feeling the nausea creeping up.

“O yeah. I didn’t tell you. She came asking for TJ when Buffy, Andi and I were at The Spoon on Saturday. Insane really, going around town asking complete strangers about the whereabouts of your son. Buy a phone, for heaven’s sake. Ugh…, you should have seen the way she looked at Buffy and Andi by the way.”

“How late?” I managed to ask, feeling all the blood draining from my head.

“O…, um…, let me think. About twelve-ish? Something about their car breaking down, and needing his’”

“…”

“Cyrus! Cy! What’s wrong? Cy… look at me! No Cy, breath! Breath! Focus on my voice! Focus! CYRUS!”


	35. Spirit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spirit:  
_"the courage and determination that helps people to survive in difficult times and to keep their way of life and their beliefs"_

Somehow I ended up in Jonah’s bedroom, sitting on his bed, still taking shallow and rapid breaths, clutching onto a glass of water. Jonah was sitting next to me, monitoring me closely, frowns of worry on his face. He was rubbing my back, trying to comfort me.

“Feeling better a bit?” he asked.

“Yes…, no…” I whispered, fighting the tears.

“Do you want to tell me about it? Why did you panic when I told you about TJ’s mom?” Jonah asked.

I already felt one tear running down my cheek. I shook my head. “I-I can’t Jonah. You will hate me, and I can’t lose you… I’m losing TJ and I cannot bare the thought of losing you too.”

Jonah’s hand stopped rubbing my back and found its way to my shoulder. He gave it a little squeeze. “Hey, look at me.” he said softly, and hesitantly I turned my head to return his gaze.

“Cyrus…, I love you, you know that.” he said.

Slowly I nodded my head. “I know…” I whispered.

“You. Won’t. Lose. Me.” Jonah added, looking at me with a very sincere expression. “Ever.”

And that did the trick of breaking down my walls. So I cried, and told him about the date, about how happy TJ and I had been, about why I hadn’t told him, and how bad I felt about it. Again I had disappointed him. Again I had failed being a good friend. I felt so, so terrible.

I also felt Jonah arms around me now, hugging me from the side, his head on my shoulder.

“O Cy…” he sighed. “Where to start…”

I heard Jonah breathing steadily a couple of times, before he let me go. He took my hand in his and again looked me in the eyes.

“First of all, you can do whatever you want in your life. You don’t have to justify anything you do to me, and unless you’ve killed someone, I’m pretty sure I will support you. Second, I want you to trust me. Yes, it hurts me a bit that you didn’t confide in me –again-, but I can also understand the reasoning behind it all. You’re allowed to have your secrets, and you don’t have to share everything with me. You _can_, but you don’t have to. And third, I’m only human. I have emotions myself. I can get sad, happy or angry. I have my good days, I have my bad days. Can I promise I won’t ever be mad at you? No, I can’t. I’ll probably be upset with you a couple of times in my life, and maybe I won’t agree with all you life choices, but I will always be your friend. So please let me be human without you being scared to share important things with me, okay? Can you do that?”

I gave his hand a squeeze, and with my other hand, I wiped away the tears from my face. “Yeah, I can do that. Thanks, you’re the best.” I sniffed.

Jonah smiled. “Good. Now the problem at hand. So TJ got home about five, and we know his mother was looking for him from twelve on. We can safely assume she has gotten very angry at TJ for being away from home so long without them knowing. That sucks for sure. However, what’s the worst that can happen? Would TJ ever tell the truth about what he has been doing that day?”

I thought about it for a moment. No, TJ would never tell his parents he was with me. I shook my head.

Jonah nodded his head in confirmation. “That’s what I thought. TJ has probably told his parents some other story, something about playing basketball somewhere. Knowing his mother a bit, she’s angry, and TJ is probably grounded for a couple of days. He’ll get through.”

“But why do you think he hasn’t answered any of my texts then?” I asked. That was worrying me the most. He could at least have sent me a short text.

“Dude, even _my_ mother takes my phone from me for a while when she’s angry at me. He will respond when he gets it back.” Jonah said.

For now, it was enough of a reassuring explanation as I could get. I had to hold on to this possible reality because I sure as hell wasn’t ready to think of anything else. I once again told myself I had to be strong for TJ. He had most likely just been grounded. Sooner or later he would be allowed to go to school again, and then I would see him again. Everything was going to be all right in the end.

I hadn’t expected TJ to be back on Tuesday, but it still came as a disappointment I didn’t see him at school that day. I kept it together during the whole day, with Jonah by my side the whole time. We even attended the basketball practice, which was a bit of a painful experience, as TJ’s absence was now noticed by everyone, and Buffy of course asked me for an explanation, causing me the confess my lie once again. Being Buffy, she couldn’t resist scolding me for it, but I could understand, and Jonah luckily acted as a buffer.

Wednesday went by, again without any sign of TJ. I couldn’t help my anxiety rising, and it got harder and harder to keep my composure. This was ridiculous, how long could you ground a teenager for not being at home at an agreed time? It was when I was at home that afternoon, trying to do my homework before dinnertime, that something unexpected happened.

I heard the doorbell ringing, and then my mother calling for me from downstairs.

“Cyrus, there’s someone at the door for you!”

In confusion I ran down. Could it be TJ? No, my mother would never refer to him as just ‘someone’. And that was also the reason it couldn’t be any of my other friends. They would normally just walk straight up to my room.

Surprised, I looked at the person standing in the door, his motorcycle on its stand parked in the driveway.

“Lester? What are you doing here?” I asked.

Lester looked at me a bit nervously. His eyes darting from left to right. “Um, hi Cyrus… I don’t know if… um…, I came to…um…” he stuttered.

I really wasn’t able to help him out in anyway, because I hadn’t got a clue why he was here.

Lester took a deep breath, before looking at me again. “TJ and you are together, right?” he then said.

I felt my breathing hitching and my hands getting clammy, probably looking at Lester as if he had just landed from Mars.

“I’m just assuming okay?” Lester hurried to add. “It’s okay if you’re together. It’s great in fact. I would be very happy for you. You are together right? Um…, are you?”

I nodded in complete bewilderment, the anxiety however fading from his words, but then flaring up again. What did he know about TJ?

Lester smiled hesitatingly. “Great. That’s great… You two make a great couple. It’s just… not that hard to figure out. He just can’t shut up about you, and he’s not very subtle when he’s in the same room as you. And it’s also a bit funny how he’s totally not interested in Alicia’s flirting, and god, she’s trying.”

I really didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry from his words. It felt good hearing from someone else how TJ talked about me, but this was again an example of how careless we had been. We had even been more obvious than we had already thought. Still, I couldn’t think of a reason why Lester of all people would visit me to tell me this.

Lester grinned before he continued. “You know, people sometimes think I’m not that smart, a bit of an idiot sometimes even, but they don’t know me. In my family, it isn’t really appreciated to be a smartass. My father has always been a truck driver. Working with your hands, that’s real labor. Working with you mind is something for losers, for people who have no clue how tough the real world can be. My father doesn’t trust anyone who’s in a management, political, or scientific position. He doesn’t vote. He just does things the way his father has taught him, and he expects me to follow in his footsteps. So my point is… I know a thing or two about playing a role, being someone you’re actually not. I can spot people who do that from miles away. TJ ticked all the boxes. I observed him for a couple of days, and I knew he was pretending. And then you came into the picture somehow, and he just lit up like a Christmas tree on fire. Although I do remember some drastic mood swings. Math really isn’t my strongpoint, but in this case, I could add two and two together.

I’ve been to his place, once. He had forgotten his hoody, and because we live close to each other and I knew where his house is, I thought I could stop by to bring it back. So he opened the door and I entered the house. It’s a creepy place, I’ve never experienced such a morbid home before. It was devoid from any color or happiness, and I’ve never seen so many crucifixes in one place. Before I had the chance to stay too long, his mother came up to us, and basically forced me outside, saying something about TJ having to study. A nasty woman, if you ask me.

I saw you two dance around each other the last few weeks. Please don’t be offended, but it was kind of fun to watch. I pride myself in being a good observer, and I’m not sure if anyone else picked up on it, but I had figured you two out soon enough. Sorry for joking about it after basketball practice by the way, I didn’t think it through. It’s just normal teasing, no harm intended. Don’t think I didn’t spot you with his hoody. And…, I’m sorry to say…, that was not so clever if you wanted to keep you relationship on the down low, which I presume you want to do. If I’m brutally honest, knowing his mother, you two should have been more careful really. I caught you two staring at each other more often than not, and especially last week was quite…, interesting, or unnerving to watch. His mother showing up at school, and him blowing up in the canteen last Friday… If it’s of any comfort, I think I was the only one to do the math in this case. I’m also the only one who had seen his mother before, and I don’t think anyone else is under the impression you two are together, but there were some gossips about his constantly changing behavior. He went from indifferent, to extremely happy, to angry within days. That just raises questions.

And last Monday, he was absent all of a sudden. That can happen of course, everyone gets sick once in a while. But then I noticed your distress on Tuesday, and I knew there was something more going one. If he just was sick, than why did you look so distressed? And moreover, he didn’t show up at practice, without any notification. So today, with him still being absent, I thought I was going to check on him. I made up a lame excuse of having to bring him a basketball jersey he had left, and I drove to his house. His car was on the driveway, but I noticed that all the blinds on the first floor had been shut. His mother opened the door, so I told her I was there to bring TJ his jersey.

_“TJ can’t see anyone right now”_ she just said, and she tried to shut the door in my face immediately. In a bold move I blocked the door from shutting with my hand.

_“Is TJ sick?”_ I asked, _“Can’t I just give him his jersey? He will need it cleaned for his next match”_, which is a totally lame statement because school takes care of that laundry, but why would she know that.

His mother looked at me very distrustfully. _“TJ won’t need that anytime soon.”_ she said. And with that she pushed the door shut forcefully.

Lester took a moment to pause, biting his lip, before he continued.

“I’m sorry I don’t have better news Cyrus, but I just felt I had to stop by to at least inform you. I highly doubt that TJ’s sick for real, and I don’t know what happened of course, but I really hope it will work out for you two in the end… You know what?!”

Lester took off his backpack, opened it, and took out a light blue jersey.

“Here. It _is_ TJ’s jersey. I think it’s better if you have it. You can hold on to it until you see TJ again. Maybe it helps for you to have something of him.”

At lost for words, I accepted the jersey and I stood there, holding it in my hands, looking at Lester smiling at me.

“Okay then, I should be going now. Dad expects me home for some wood chopping or something.” Lester said. “Take care Cyrus.”

Lester swung his leg over his bike, taking his helmet from the handle, ready to take off.

“Lester wait!” I called, pulling myself together.

“What is it?” he asked

“I… thanks.” I managed to say.

Lester smiled at me. “That’s okay.” He put his helmet on and in one swift motion he kicked his bike to life.

“What do you actually want to do when you leave school?” I yelled at him, to overcome the noise.

“I want to study literature!” Lester yelled back.

“You should do that!” I said back. Lester grinned at me through his helmet, and took off, leaving me on my own.

As I was watching Lester driving away, I felt my body trembling. As sweet as his intentions had been, he really hadn’t eased my nervousness, it only confirmed how bad it was. I clung onto the blue fabric of TJ’s jersey and I held it tightly against my chest, hoping, and praying I was going to see TJ soon and that everything was okay with him. I kept telling myself that I had to keep faith, I had to keep hoping for the best. I just had to.

However.

That night, after a lot of hesitating, I picked up my phone. I wanted to let TJ know that I wasn’t going to forget him. He wasn’t alone. It was the least I could do, to give him some support, even if he wasn’t able to read the message right away. He would read them when he got his phone back, and he would feel loved. I sent him a short text.

_Hey. Thinking of you. Stay strong. I hope we’ll see each other soon. Love you, Cy._

I put the phone down on my nightstand, put on some pajamas, and walked away to brush my teeth when unexpectedly, my phone beeped from an incoming message. I ran back to my phone to pick it up, my heart rate out of control. Did TJ send a message back?

The text message was clearly visible on the lock screen:

_STAY AWAY FROM MY SON YOU EVIL DEMON_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thank you all so much for reading. Give me a comment on your thoughts.  
Stay tuned! There are not many chapters left...


	36. Ima

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ima:  
_"the Jewish word for 'mother'"_

I have to be honest with you. I have a lot of gaps in my memory from that traumatic period of my life. For example, I really can’t remember making a sound after I had read that horrific text message, but I do remember my mother running inside my room within seconds. I guess I did make some drama. I also remember crying a lot, I don’t remember for how long. I remember the feeling of being wrapped up in my mother’s arms, and she probably asked me what was wrong. I think I could only point to my phone at that point. And then I do very clearly remember the shocked expression on my mother’s face when she saw the text, and her saying: “What’s wrong with that woman?!”

Yeah… Good question. A lot, if you ask me. I remember getting angry at my mom, because she’s the therapist after all. If she didn’t know what was wrong with the woman, how would I know? In hindsight it’s painfully clear how unreasonable and unpleasant I became to deal with, and it’s even more heartbreaking knowing that my family and friends dealt with me somehow anyway. My sadness was turning into anger, and I was ready to lash out to anyone. After a sleepless night, Jonah picked me up for school, and I must have been terrible company, even getting angry with him for not coming up with a solution. Which is ridiculous of course, to expect my friends and family to solve the problem, but I just couldn’t see a way out, and that pained me unimaginably. 

And that was the most frustrating and infuriating part of it all. Everyone understood, everyone felt sorry, no one had any idea how to solve the situation. Not even consciously I began distancing myself from my friends and everybody else. Yes, physically I was present at school that Thursday and Friday, mentally not so much. Jonah was sweet as always, being with me, a hand on my back when I needed it (almost all of the time…), but like I said, even he couldn’t give me any sensible advice how to get TJ back. I was completely cut off from my boyfriend, without any means to contact him. And while I was wasting my time at school, he was all alone, with only those pathetic excuses for parents to keep him company. And god, that made me even angrier by the minute.

I thought of besieging the house, freeing TJ from his prison by force, and taking him home to my palace to live happily ever after. However, I was desperate, not stupid. The only way to get TJ back again for real had to be a legal way. I knew that he was a child, and not of legal age, but there just had to be a way to get him out of there. During dinner on Friday, while I was pushing my food from one to the other side of my plate, I tried to reason with my mother about it.

My mother looked pained at me, when I asked about possibilities for any legal action. “O honey… I wish it were that simple. As outsiders we can’t just file a complaint about his parents.”

“Why not? TJ is getting abused there!” I said angrily.

“Technically it’s not really abusive to raise children according to strict religious believes” my mother reasoned.

“It’s mentally abusive, TJ’s suffering from it. They’re making him miserable. He himself has told me his parents broke him.” I spat.

“Yeah I know, and you know. But we haven’t got any proof. The only thing we have is what TJ has told you, and that’s not enough” my mother said.

“Do you say that TJ is lying?” I said, getting frustrated already, and also really unreasonable. But in that time I think my emotions often overpowered my rational thinking.

“No of course not” my mother said trying to remain calm. “But as long as he’s a child, he’s under the supervision of his parents. Unfortunately his parents’ words have far more influence than those of a friend.”

“I’m not just a friend. I’m his boyfriend!” I shouted.

“Yes I know, but that doesn’t mean a lot” my mother replied.

“It means everything!” I yelled, getting more frustrated by the second.

My mother took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean it like that and you know that. Trust me, if there was anything I could do to resolve the situation, I would do it.”

“You’re a therapist. Surely you know authorities who can get TJ out of that prison.” I said.

My mother put down her knife and fork, and looked me in the eyes with a sad look. “Yes I know authorities. And I also know how they work. Even if, and that’s a big ‘if’, a complaint we make will be the cause for an investigation, even then unfortunately I think there’s no way…”

“WELL THINK HARDER!” I yelled, abruptly standing up, causing the chair to fall backwards, and I ran upstairs to my room, collapsing on my bed.

It was my stepfather who entered my room after a while, sitting down on the bed and trying to comfort me rubbing my back without saying any words. It was a rarity for Todd to take that role, but I think my parents struggled almost just as much as I did. Deep inside I appreciated the gesture, and I was thankful he didn’t start a conversation, although he had reasons enough to reprimand me for my behavior.

I went to bed early that Friday night. It must have been about nine o’clock that I was lying on the bed, studying the ceiling. That evening, I remember the weather did match my mood perfectly. The heavens had opened, and the rain was pouring down. Gusts of wind and claps of thunder made the windows shake in their frames. Not being able to sleep anyway I decided to just stare out of my window, and wallow in my own misery. 

It was during a bolt of lightning, when for a short moment the sky was illuminated, that for a split second I could see a lonely tall figure standing in front of our house on the sidewalk, carrying a large bag, looking completely forlorn. For a couple of moments I was completely paralyzed, but then my conscious brain took over my body and I sprinted out of my room, down the stairs, through the front door out on the driveway. The socks I was walking on were immediately drenched as I ran outside. I felt the rain soaking my hair in no time at all, and drops of water were finding their way along my neck and into the collar of my pajama shirt. I kept running until I was right in front of TJ, looking him in the eyes with a look that probably consisted of confusion, concern, and relief. I completely forgot everything that had happened the last few days when I saw his sad and desolate face. He looked like the most lost person on the planet as he was standing there, with a gym bag in his right hand, and, as I now noticed, a backpack on his back. His hair was in his eyes, and above all the noise from the weather, I was barely able to hear his voice, when he looked at me and whispered: “I can’t go back there.”

I clasped on to his hand and pulled him after me into the safety and shelter of our house. My mother came running into the hallway, alarmed by the racket. She turned pale in an instant at the sight of my boyfriend.

“Cyrus, what on earth were you doing outs… o my god dear boy, get in here now”  
My mother looked horrified at a soaking wet TJ, who was shivering heavily as he entered our house, and leaving a small puddle of water on the floor. All his clothes were completely drenched, his hands and face white from the cold, and water was dripping from every nook and cranny of his body.

“Cyrus get him upstairs and out of his clothes!” my mother commanded.

At any other moment those words, coming from my mother, would have sounded hilarious. But at this moment, there was no time to think about double entendres.

“Put your bags down TJ, and follow me”, I said commandite him.

Without saying anything, TJ obeyed me, put his bags down, and followed me up the stairs.

“Come on, let’s get you undressed and under a hot shower.” I said.

Something protective came over me, and I was determent to take care of him, to be there for him, to make sure everything would turn out just fine. Of course I really wasn’t sure about that last statement. But now was not the time to think about tomorrow. Now was the time to show TJ how much I really cared about him.

After I let him into the bathroom, I helped him take off his hoody, and his shirt, that both were completely soaked. TJ still was shivering heavily from the cold, his teeth chattering, and other than that staying completely silent.  
“Okay, now take of you shoes and socks.”

As TJ sat down on the floor obediently, I turned on the shower, setting it to a warm temperature. The steam from the warm water quickly filled the glass shower stall.

“Pants off.”

Again, this was not the moment to think about anything else than taking care of him. And again TJ seemed to be in a sort of mental fog, as he didn’t even question my command, just obeying it. When he was stripped naked, I pushed him into the stall, closing the glass door behind him. Through the fogged glass doors I could distinguish his figure, standing under the shower, with his head bent down, and with on arm leaning against the wall. I lowered myself on the ground, resting my back against the wall, putting my head back and I tried to comprehend the situation.

After a couple of minutes, my mother entered the bathroom.

“How is he?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Don’t know… Not okay I think, but safe now.”

My mother smiled warily. “Yeah…, I brought one of Todd’s sweatpants and a shirt. I also found a boxer short deep down in TJ’s bag that wasn’t wet. Put that on him and get him into your bed.”

Gratefully I accepted the clothes. “Thanks…” I mumbled. My mother studied me for a moment before she just ruffled my hair and left the bathroom again.

After I had dried off TJ, taking extra care to get his hair as dry as possible, and I had given him the clothes, he was finally lying in my bed. He drifted to sleep almost immediately while I caressed his hair, and nuzzled my nose into his neck. We had still not exchanged a single word, but it didn’t feel as if that was needed right now. Right now he just needed warmth, safety and love, and I was determined to provide him with that.

It must have been only fifteen minutes later that I heard the doorbell ringing. Feeling the anxiety flaring up again, I lied frozen for a moment, but then my curiosity won, and I slipped out of bed.

Already tiptoeing out of my room, I heard the voice I least wanted to hear. That voice belonged to the cause of all the misery. It was clear that TJ’s mom had come to confront my mother. Careful not to reveal myself, I stood at the top of the stairs, listening to the conversation between the two women. When I heard my mother speak I felt a chill down my spine from her tone of voice. I had never heard her speak that way in my life to anybody.

“Yes? How can I help you?” my mom said, as if she didn’t already know who she was talking to.

“Are you Mrs. Goodman?” TJ’s mother asked.

“I’m dr. Goodman, indeed.” This was also very out of character for my mother, as she normally never insisted on using her academic title. “Do you like to come in?”

“Most certainly not”, TJ’s mother replied. “I’m Thomas’ mother.

That probably threw my mother off guard a bit. I had never told her TJ’s real first name. “I’m sorry, whose mother?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, woman. I know he’s here.”

I could almost hear my mother trying to keep her composure. “There’s no need to be uncivil. I’m sure we can discuss the situation in an orderly manner.” 

“I’m not going to discuss anything with you. I’m not wasting my breath on your sort of people.” TJ’s mom said sternly.

“My sort of people?” my mother replied, sounding completely taken aback. 

“I stand by my words.” TJ’s mother said. “No get my son over here, or I will call the police.”

“I thinks it’s best if your son were to stay here for a while. He’s safe here.” my mother said, the chill back in her voice.

“Well, dr. Goodman, I think you should be aware of the fact that kidnapping children is against the law.” TJ’s mother said haughty. “I give you one more chance. Get my son over here.”

“Your son stays with us. He will spend the night here, and you can come back tomorrow, to discuss this as normal civilized human beings.” my mother said very slowly and insistently.

I heard TJ’s mother give a chilly laugh. “You’ve made your choice, and you will regret this. It’s exactly the kind of behavior I had expected from lowlife like you.”

And with that I heard her walking away, and it took a long time before I finally heard my mother close the front door.

I sneaked back into my bedroom again, softly closing the door, and I got back into my bed, pressing my body against TJ’s, wrapping my arms around him, and holding onto him for dear life.


	37. Apocalypse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apocalypse:  
_"a great disaster"_

There and then, together in my bed, him lying on his back, and me snuggled against his side with my arm around him, I created some sort of mental time capsule. There was no viable way that this was going to end well for the two of us. Somewhere in my mind I knew that. And I think TJ realized this too. All we could do is take “living in the moment” to the extreme, and stretch out time as much as possible. I counted the seconds extra slowly, forcing time to go by as slowly as possible. I heightened my senses, using all of them to create a memory for my time capsule. So I felt his hand that was clasping mine in front of his body. I smelled his hair, still a bit damp from the shower. I tasted his neck, kissing it and taking in the flavor of shower gel mixed with a bit of TJ. I heard his breathing, slowly and steadily, and when I looked into his eyes, the beautiful green color still mesmerized me.

I had to remind myself that’s what had started all this. His gorgeous green eyes with those tiny brown specks in it. That first moment in the gym, that had to be added to my memory time capsule, just like that really confusing panicky first kiss. One by one I replayed those memories in my head; every one of them in slow motion of course. And all of them I carefully placed in the capsule, like a safe, just to be sure that I always was going to have a part of TJ with me, whatever was going to happen. I added our hang-out at the swings, when he had first laughed with me. I added a jealous TJ climbing my balcony at night. I added a remorseful TJ, buying me a muffin to apologize. Then there had been a freaked out TJ, after our a-bit-to-heated make out session, a difficult memory to replay, but knowing now his story with Andrew, I could completely understand him. After the freak out, came of course my most precious memory: TJ asking me to be his boyfriend. Yeah… that was a good memory, that one made me feel warm inside all over again.

What to add next? I added my memory of TJ visiting my parents for the first time, just like all the flirting and kissing we did during the days after that. I left out all our stupid and thoughtless decisions, that had made everything difficult, potentially disastrous even. And lastly, I added our date to the time capsule, that wonderful day with my wonderful boyfriend. He loved me and I loved him. Why did it have to be more difficult than that. Why?

It was time to close the lid. There were no more good memories after that. Secure all the good memories. Seal the capsule, and store it in a safe place in my brain, where no one could touch it. It belonged to me and TJ only.

With my head I lied down on TJ’s chest, and I counted all the heartbeats. My right arm I had wrapped around him, trying to let him know I wanted to protect him.

Stretch the time. Savor the moment. Keep everything else outside of our bubble.

Stretch the time. Keep TJ with me. Pretend everything is all right.

Stretch the time. This is just us. It’s only us. Nothing else matters.

First I tried to ignore the sound of a couple of cars stopping in front of our house. I tried to ignore the doorbell ringing, followed by impatient knocking on the door. I tried to ignore the sounds of silent but urgent talking of unknown voices downstairs. I tried to ignore the distressed voices of my mother and my stepfather.

Then I tried to ignore the sound of heavy footsteps of multiple persons coming up the stairs. If I just ignored them, maybe they would go away. Maybe we would wake up from the nightmare, and we would be on a blanket on a grassy field in a forest, where the sunrays were beaming through the trees, and TJ was caressing my hair. There were sandwiches, croissants and ice tea, and we were laughing and cuddling, and we were alone in the world, with no one and nothing to worry about.

I tried to ignore the door to my bedroom opening. I tried to ignore my mother softly saying my name, and I tried to ignore the fact that there suddenly were two police officers and a man in a suit entering my bedroom.

God I tried.

I tightened my grip on TJ, and I felt his arms squeezing my body. He pressed a kiss to my head. “I love you” he whispered in a tired and hoarse voice, and he started to unwrap himself from me, as if he was surrendering to his fate, to his sentence. I only tightened my grip on him. My body didn’t want to accept anything else than him staying with me forever, and this all being a bad dream.

The bed dipped from my mother sitting down, as she slowly tried to take my hands, saying that she was so sorry, but that we didn’t have any choice. Slowly but surely, I was losing my grip on TJ, and when I felt his body literally slip through my fingers, and all I was holding was the air, that’s when the panic, and the horrific reality kicked in. That’s when my emotional floodgates opened, and I no longer could be a normal functioning human being. I started crying heavily.

“Mom! TJ! No please, stay with me!” I shouted, and I got upright, trying to stand up, but I felt my mother gently but forcefully holding me back.

“MOOOOOM! NO! DON’T” I yelled. Trying to reach out to TJ, who was already on his way to the officers.

I felt my mother wrapping her arms around me even tighter, whispering reassuring and apologizing words into my ears. I could only focus on the police officers and the man in suit that guided TJ away from me.

“NOOOO! MOM! PLEASE NO! DON’T LET THEM TAKE HIM!” I screamed, I cried, feeling as if my guts were being ripped from my body. I wrestled myself from my mother’s grip, jumping up towards where TJ was, my sight blurry from all the tears. I didn’t make it to TJ. Strong gloved hands were grabbing me by the shoulders, holding me firmly in place.

“NOOOO, STOP THEM! PLEASE STOP! DON’T TAKE HIM! PLEASE!” and I wrestled, and I kicked, and I punched to try to free myself to no avail.

“I’m sorry kid” I heard the man say softly.

I couldn’t give a damn about his apology. I wanted TJ back. I could only scream and cry. Cry and scream. Scream and cry.

“PLEASE!!! DON’T TAKE HIM THERE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO HIM! PLEEEAAAASE! STOP!”

The last thing I saw was a blurred sight of my boyfriend being guided out of my bedroom by the man in suit. There was one distressed looking police officer standing in the doorway of my room, the other police officer was holding me in place, until I felt my mother getting a hold on me once more. TJ had his head bent downwards when he was guided away. That’s how he disappeared behind the door, and out of my life. They took him away because he loved me. The police had to get him because he loved another boy. His crime was love, his punishment banishment, or something worse I couldn’t even think of. The feeling of complete injustice and tragedy of it all was imbedded into my body. I drowned in it. I couldn’t breath because of it. I was in a state of sheer panic. When was I going to see TJ again? Had this been the last time? With the last bit of sane consciousness in me I realized that TJ had said that he loved me, but I hadn’t said it back. With all my might I suppressed the hyperventilating that I felt kicking in.

“I LOVE YOU!!!” I screamed from the top of my lungs, praying to whatever deity that TJ was able to register it, somewhere on the stairs. I sobbed and gasped for air, and then I collapsed on the floor and passed out, everything fading to black.

Who cares what time it was when I recovered? I was completely alone on my bed. The house was completely silent, my room pitch black, and where everyone else would describe the silence as peaceful, for me it was hellish. I couldn’t feel TJ, I couldn’t smell TJ, I couldn’t taste TJ, I couldn’t hear TJ, I couldn’t see TJ. He was gone, and everything was empty.

As I was lying there, on top of my bed in fetal position, feeling completely numb, I barely registered my bedroom door opening and a person coming in. I felt someone climbing over me on my bed, positioning himself behind me as the big spoon, swinging an arm around my body.

“It’s me.” I heard Jonah’s voice whisper.

For a moment I just let the feeling sink in. My best friend was here, in the middle of the night. And he was making sure I didn’t feel completely alone. He had come here all the way, not to try to console me, because he knew I was inconsolable. He just was there to make sure I didn’t feel alone. Jonah held me tight without saying or doing anything else. I just felt his body warmth, and his breathing against the back of my head. It was enough for now. It was what I needed. I felt just safe enough to drift to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...


	38. Hardship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hardship:  
_"a condition of life that causes difficulty or suffering"_

It took me eleven weeks to smile again. And even then, I felt terrible about it afterwards. How could I even smile when somewhere TJ was having a hard time? I struggled for a long time. I was barely recovering from all the events. It was mainly Jonah who pulled me through, who got me out of my bed after a week, and took me back to school. It was Jonah who took me The Spoon, to the park or to his house to watch a movie. It was Jonah that tolerated my silent moodiness. Jonah pulled me through all the stages of grief.

Well, not all the stages really. There was denial at first, and me trying to isolate myself from the world. Then there came weeks of being just angry. I was angry with everyone: my family, my friends, the police, the authorities, school, the world, fate and the universe. Then came the stage of bargaining; thinking of all the “if only’s”. If only we had been more careful. If only I had denied TJ’s request for a date. If only I had denied being his boyfriend just to protect him. Of course this kind of reasoning only drains your energy and does nothing as a solution. But the thoughts keep haunting you nonetheless. The fourth stage of grief is depression, and yes, that one hit me hard. On some days it was hard to get out of bed, or to just enjoy the simple things in life like the sun coming out, or the company of my friends.

I never reached the last stage of grief, which is acceptance. For me there was no such thing as accepting the situation. When terrible things happen to your life, like the death of a loved one, in the end you can reach acceptance by rationalizing about the facts. Death comes for all of us, and as hard as it can be to loose a loved one, in the end you can get to terms with it.

TJ wasn’t dead of course. So why persist in this non-acceptance if he’s still out there somewhere? Well, that’s because for me it was like he was erased from existence. TJ was gone, taken from me on that fateful night, and since then I had never seen him again. A couple of days afterwards I got the confirmation that the whole family had gone, and only three weeks later Lester had told me he had seen the moving truck in front of the house. Without any means of communication, how was I to reach out to TJ? He could be in a totally different country, heck, on a totally different planet as far I was concerned. I had no clue of his whereabouts, and even if I had, then again, how dangerous would it be to reach out to him anyway?

The only reason for this whole gruesome situation was love. And that in particular made it impossible for me to accept any of it. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that people existed that denied love. People who actively made an effort to keep two human beings apart because they loved each other. In contract, I usually don’t do hate. But my feelings towards TJ’s parents came close, real close. They were blinded by religion, not by religion as such, but by an extreme version of it. They were extremists. But even then, even the most extreme extremist should have a heart. Even they should be happy and sad sometimes. Even they would feel love for someone, at some point in their life, don’t they? That paradox baffled me. It still baffles me. Everyone is still a human being. When I shared this thought with Jonah, he pointed it out to me very clearly:

“And that’s exactly what distinguishes you from them. You’re not capable of dehumanizing anyone. They are. That makes everything even more unfair. And that doesn’t mean you should change. You’re not too good for this world. They are too bad for it.”

Everybody deserves their own Jonah, don’t you think? He’s the most important reason I didn’t lose my sanity during that period of my life. I have to say that I was surrounded by lots of caring people by the way. Not only my parents, but also Buffy and Andi and a lot of schoolmates were supporting me those days. When I returned to school after a week, it was as if not a part of what had happened was in any way secret anymore. At first I had been very anxious entering the school, but I soon noticed everyone giving me sad but sympathetic looks. Jonah even dragged me to basketball practice on that Tuesday, something I surely felt not ready for, but shortly after I had sat down next to Jonah on the front row, Lester engulfed me in a warm hug, saying he was so sorry for me. Even Reed came up to me and squeezed my shoulder giving me a small smile. It all helped a bit. It helped me enough to at least get out of my bed and brush my teeth everyday, and not succumb to self-neglect. I’m sure that’s what TJ wanted me to do anyway.

Two weeks turned into four weeks. Four weeks turned into two months. Two months inevitably turned into half a year. Time went by, and I survived, just like TJ had done. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think of him. In my room I had pinned his basketball jersey to the wall. In my closet were his clothes, the ones that he had worn when he came to our house in despair. His boxer short, jeans and socks lie neatly folded in one of the drawers. His sneakers were next to my desk, patiently waiting for their owner to get them back. His hoody was around my body most of the time. I often wore it to bed, as it smelled so nicely like TJ. Only after three months my mother carefully convinced me to wash it, because it was getting a bit smelly and disgusting. Freshly cleaned from the laundry basket I had pressed it against my face and cried. Now I had even lost the last bit of TJ’s smell.

When spring was in full swing, around mid May, Jonah came by in the morning to pick me for school. I noticed that he was a lot less talkative than normal that particular morning. He clearly seemed to be apprehensive about something. For a moment I thought about ignoring it, but then I remembered what a good friend he always had been. If Jonah was having a problem, surely he could share it with me so I could help him with it, even if I was still struggling myself.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

Jonah immediately froze in his step and he looked at his shoes for a moment. “Nothing important really.” he said rather unconvincingly.

“You should tell your face.” I retorted. “You know you can tell me everything right? Did something bad happen?”

Jonah head shot up. “No! No…, nothing bad…” he said. “It’s just something I find hard to share with you.”

I looked at him quizzically. “Why?”

Jonah sighed. “Because I don’t want to make you feel bad, and I’m afraid somehow it will make the wrong feelings flare up.”

I tried to figure out what Jonah could be talking about, but really nothing came up. “Jonah… I feel bad for months now. I’m sure I can handle it if it’s not bad news for you.”

Jonah looked at me with a pained expression. “I’m still so sorry for you Cy… But that’s also kind of the reason I’m a bit reluctant to share it with you.”

I took a step closer to Jonah, grabbed him by his wrists and looked him in the eyes. “Just tell me.” I reassured him.

He pinched his eyes close for a moment, and took a breath. “Okay then. Cy, since last week I have a girlfriend. Her name is Libby. She’s very kind and sweet, and I’m very happy with her.”

For a moment I felt nothing and my mind went blank. “O…” I just said.

“It all went kind of fast. I was afraid of telling you, because…, you know, you’re not with your boyfriend, and maybe you’re going to be jealous. Or you’re afraid I’m going to spend less time with you. But you know that’s not going to happen, because you’re my best friend, and I’ll be with you when you need me. But I don’t want to shove my relationship in your face because I don’t want to make you feel sad and…”

Jonah’s rambling made me regain my composure. I did what I should have done immediately. I pulled him in for a hug. “It’s great. I’m so happy for you.” I whispered in his ear.

Jonah felt a bit stiff in my arms, but then I felt him relax a bit. “Are you sure?” he asked nervously.

“Of course I’m sure you idiot. I want you to be happy. And please don’t hold back for me. Introduce her to me, and I promise you it won’t make me feel bad about myself, okay?”

Well… that’s a promise that turned out I wasn’t able to keep…

I tried so hard to be nothing but happy for Jonah. And I was happy for him, I really was. But it _did_ make me feel bad in the end after all. I just couldn’t help feeling jealous about his relationship and happiness. _I_ was supposed to have that happiness too. I deserved to have my boyfriend with me. I wanted to go on double dates. I most certainly didn’t feel like third wheeling. So I politely denied most of Jonah’s invitations to hang out with him and Libby. What made things worse, is that she really was lovely. She was cute, friendly, intelligent and everything that I could want for my best friend’s girlfriend. So not only I felt jealous, I also felt bad about feeling jealous. In short: Jonah had been right in feeling apprehensive about telling me. Jonah’s always right…

When tenth grade was coming to an end, almost eight months after TJ had been taken away from me, nine months after we had first met, I still felt like shit most of the time. I just kept on missing him. There was a hole in my heart and that wasn’t going to heal soon. I thought about it a lot. Would TJ want me to be unhappy the whole time? Of course not. He wanted me to be happy, that I was sure of. But I just couldn’t imagine a path back to happiness. Even more when I realized around mid June, that somewhere around this time should have been TJ’s seventeenth birthday. From time to time I allowed myself to open the lid from my memory time capsule, and wallow in the happy feelings. By now, I knew everything he had said by heart. So I clearly remembered him saying he was sixteen years and three months old, when I had asked him his age during our first talk at the swings. That had been September, meaning that June should be the month for his birthday. I felt really stupid not knowing the exact date. I had promised myself to give him the best birthday ever, but I had failed miserably.

Chewing on that thought during a random school day, I got startled when I closed my locker door, and I suddenly noticed a boy standing right next to me, staring at me with nervous eyes. He knew him vaguely. He was from a year below. He was wearing his blond hair in a short and messy style and he had blue eyes. He had some freckles on his cheeks, he was wearing a navy blue polo shirt with the top buttons opened up, and around his neck he carried a necklace made of shells.

“Um… hi?” I said.

Obviously the boy was very nervous. I saw him making a real effort to look me in the eyes. “H-Hey… U-um. Cyrus right?” he asked.

I nodded in confusion, not knowing what was coming.

“My… my name is Nathan. I… um… I wanted to ask you… Um… Do you…um…maybe…” and he fiddled with his fingers. Slowly it was dawning on me. Surely he wasn’t going to ask…

“Doyouwanttogoonadatewithme?” he blurted out, and then his expression changed from nervous to shocked, as if he had surprised himself.

I was completely dumbfounded. “Come again?” I asked, probably not making it any easier for the poor boy at all.

Nathan took deep breath. “Do you want to go on a date with me?” he asked far more calm. I have to give him credits for his bravery here.

I studied him for a moment. And then all kind of emotions suddenly overwhelmed me. At first I allowed myself to notice that Nathan was cute. Not just cute, but really, really cute. He was breathtakingly beautiful to be honest. And he was brave. I wasn’t aware of any other openly gay students at school, so to make himself vulnerable like this required a lot of bravery. And this incredibly cute and brave boy wanted to go out with me! So somehow, he must have been attracted to me. What made everything so overwhelming was, that if the whole history with TJ hadn’t happened, this moment right now, would have been the happiest moment of my life. I would have said yes without any hesitation. I would have smiled like a lunatic. I would have danced my way back home. I would have called Buffy, Andi and Jonah, rambling about that handsome boy that wanted to go out with me. Maybe we would go to a movie, and maybe, if was going to be extremely lucky, I got to hold his hand!

Problem was, the whole history with TJ _had_ happened. I still had a boyfriend. I didn’t know where he was, or if I was ever going to see him again. But what if I didn’t? What if in ten years, I still didn’t have TJ back? Was he still going to be my boyfriend? Was dating another boy considered cheating? Just talking to Nathan felt like cheating now. But if TJ wanted me to be happy, should I then pick up my life and give another boy a chance? What would be the right time then? Now? In ten years? In twenty years?

My head burst from all the emotions, and I fell completely overwhelmed while Nathan looked at me with his blue eyes full of expectation, nervousness and hope. I felt my jaw starting to tremble and my walls coming down.

“I’m sorry…” I managed to stammer to the confused and then heartbroken boy. I ran out of the front door until I got at the swings. I sat down in one of them and I started to cry my eyes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Should Cyrus move on at some point and give Nathan a chance?
> 
> I would love to read your thoughts and opinions about the story! Thanks for reading!


	39. Inspiration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration:  
_"the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something"_

I was staring at the boy across the table, wearing my polite-listening face, while I was absentmindedly drinking from my milkshake. Whatever he was saying, I wasn’t able to register it. My head was too occupied worrying, and overthinking everything. It really wasn’t fair for Nathan, I thought. Although it explicitly was _not_ a date, it felt like leading him on anyway.

Jonah, Buffy and Andi had sat me down, and convinced me to go out with Nathan, if only just one time. Not as a date, they hurried to assure me, but just to make a new friend. It would be good for me, they had reasoned. Maybe it would help me take my mind off all the bad feelings for a bit. Besides, maybe I could be a support for him, as the only other openly gay student at school.

So just two days before the end of the school year, and over a week after Nathan had asked me, I had approached him. I had carefully explained that I still was in a relationship at the moment, but that we could maybe hang out at The Spoon on Friday afternoon. Nathan had beamed and gladly accepted the offer. It was as endearing as unnerving to watch him skip away from me. I really didn’t want to give him the impression that I could in any way return his feelings, but the happiness he had radiated was bit adorable to watch, to be honest.

Hence the reason I found myself at The Spoon, sharing a bowl of baby taters with a visibly excited blond boy. It wasn’t unpleasant really, Nathan was nice and entertaining, but I just couldn’t keep a clear head.

“So, what do you think?” Nathan asked me, watching me expectantly while I was woken from my thoughts.

“O sorry, what exactly?” I asked.

“Spiderman! Who's your favorite Spiderman?” Nathan asked.

“O um…, don’t know really… I’m not really up to date with the whole Marvel franchise.” I said, trying to get my thoughts together. The best Spiderman… I had only seen a couple of the older movies. Did TJ ever watch movies? Probably not… Would he ever have been to the movies? If he had, than probably not often. I assume his parents just wouldn’t let him. Wouldn’t it be nice if TJ and I were able to go to the movies together? Sitting in the back row, holding hands, stealing a kiss now and then, and in the end not paying attention to the movie at all?

Nathan just rambled on in the meantime. Lost in thoughts I hadn’t even registered the first part. “…and of course Toby Maguire did an amazing job, but let's be real, he’s old now. I just love Tom Holland in the latest movies, don’t you? Maybe I would call it a bit of a celebrity crush, but hey, who doesn’t have a crush on him? I don’t really like the movies with Andrew Garfield, do you? Maybe we could see a Spiderman movie together! Rumor has it there’s a sequel coming in 2021!”

I forced a smile on my face, and I hummed and nodded in agreement from now and then, while Nathan continued about his thoughts on The Avengers-movies, and how he was excited about another new film coming up. I couldn’t help but let my thoughts drift away to the upcoming summer holiday. My mother and Todd were going to take me on an awesome trip through Europe, but I just couldn’t help imagining how it would be to have TJ with me during the trip. We would have a great time together, I was sure of it. And again I felt the pain from missing my boyfriend so much.

It took me a while to notice that a silence had fallen. Nathan had cocked his head, and was studying me. I felt the guilt flooding through my body. I just was lousy company, and he deserved better.

“This is really never going to work out is it?” he then suddenly said.

I had to force myself not to tear up, as I was looking at Nathan. He looked so disappointed but sympathetic anyway. 

“I’m…. so sorry…” I said. “It’s just…”

I sighed and looked out the window, just to not have to look him in the eyes.

“His name is TJ isn’t it?” Nathan then asked.

At the mention of his name I immediately turned my head back at Nathan. “Yeah… Do you know who he was…? _Is_?”

Nathan gave me a small smile. “I think I saw him a couple of times, but I don’t really remember. I imagine he was a bit reserved.”

I chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah…, something like that…”

For a moment Nathan seemed to be in doubt before he spoke again. “Can you…, maybe tell me about him? What exactly did happen? Only if you want of course…, but I’m just curious. You know, I don’t know what stories I have to believe…”

“Stories?” I answered frowning.

“Yeah…, when something like that happens, there are always rumors. Some say he got abducted by a cult, or that he was taken to conversion camp or something. And some students even said he didn’t have a phone or a laptop, and that his parents locked him up in his bedroom.” Nathan said.

“The thing is…” I said, getting the chills thinking about the real situation TJ was in, “…the majority of what you just said is true, sadly enough…”

Nathan looked at me, disbelief in his eyes. “You have to be kidding. Can you tell me then?”

I thought about it for a moment, but decided maybe it would be good for me to spill my heart, and tell the complete story. And so, that Friday afternoon was the first time I told the whole story to someone, from the eye contact in the gym to the police taking him away from my bedroom. It took me about an hour, and Nathan was listening intently, now and then asking questions, or giving opinions that often almost exactly resembled Jonah’s reactions, amazingly enough.

In the end, it did feel good to share my feeling with another person, and I was grateful I shared my afternoon with Nathan. As we were walking home shortly after, I felt relieved and far more able to focus on what he was saying. Soon enough our ways parted however. Without any reluctance Nathan gave me a hug.

“Thanks for the afternoon Cyrus. And thanks for sharing your story with me. Again, I can hardly imagine what you have been going through, and still are going through. I hope you’ll have a wonderful summer holiday anyway. Can we exchange phone numbers maybe? So if you want to talk about something, you can send me a message? And maybe we can keep in touch during summer?”

I happily agreed, and we added each other’s contact information to our phones. Walking the last part home alone I felt lighter. It was nice to know there were other people kind enough to care about me. My friends had been right again, it was nice to have an extra friend.

The whole trip through Europe was awesome, as I had predicted. My mother and Todd had scheduled almost three weeks of traveling, in which we visited London, Amsterdam and Berlin. For a ridiculous amount of money we bought tickets for the London Eye, only for me to discover I was too afraid of heights to really enjoy the view. In Amsterdam I marveled at the beautiful art in all the museums, and thoroughly enjoyed the trip with the canal boat through the old town. In Berlin we felt humbled and emotional about all the painful history palpable in the city, and we wandered through the trendy neighborhoods drinking coffees and crazy cocktails (without alcohol for me of course). And everywhere we went, I took TJ with me in my heart, praying that one day in my life, I could have a vacation like this with him. I took his hoody in a backpack with me everywhere we went, and took a photograph wearing it at every major sight. A lot of the photo’s I posted on Instagram, hoping against better judgment that somehow, somewhere, TJ was able to see them.

Throughout the trip I not only texted back and forth with Buffy, Andi and Jonah, but I also regularly sent Nathan updates about the trip. In turn, he sent me pictures of his holiday at some beach resort, even one in which a surfer guy with black hair was hanging round his shoulders. I texted back some funny dubious and ambiguous reply, only to realize five minutes later I had just felt happy for him, and not for a moment jealous. I still missed TJ terribly, but at least it didn’t cloud my empathy towards my friends anymore.

The Saturday before the start of my junior year in eleventh grade, I had agreed to meet up again at The Spoon with Jonah, Andi and Buffy to exchange holiday stories, and maybe even annoy them with my British accent. The moment our orders were brought to our table, my phoned chimed from an incoming message from Nathan.

**Nathan**  
Hey! Do you maybe want to hang out today? Share holiday stories?  
And I want to ask you something.

**Cyrus**  
I’m sorry, I can’t today. I’m at the Spoon with Jonah, Buffy and Andi.

**Nathan**  
Even better!  
Mind if I join you for a moment?

**Cyrus**  
O  
I’ll ask them  
…  
Yeah sure. Come over.

**Nathan**  
Great. Be right there.

It took Nathan less than ten minutes to slide next to me into the booth we were sharing. I was curious what he had wanted to ask, and the boy was visibly glowing with determination and excitement. After all the obligatory introductions between my friends and Nathan were out of the way, he spoke up.

“So I’ve been thinking this summer okay? That story about TJ made me realize some things, and I need your support for it.”

We just all eyed him curiously.

“Here’s the thing. How many students does our school have?” he asked.

We all looked at each other a bit puzzled.

“Um… I don’t know. About 500 or something like that?” I answered.

“Exactly. And how many openly gay students do you know?” he asked.

“Two. And that includes you and me.” I answered truthfully.

Nathan looked at us triumphantly, but none of us were following.

“Yes…?” I asked.

“That’s statistically impossible!” Nathan exclaimed. “There should be at least fifty gay students in our school, probably a lot more if you count all the bisexual students. Not to mention any pansexual, demisexual, asexual, or genderqueer students. Why is it we don’t know any more of those students? Why are they afraid to come out? Why don’t we have a lot more gay couples in our school? And most important, how many of them are in a situation that’s like TJ’s? Not necessarily _that_ bad of a situation of course, but I can only assume that in a lot of families, children aren’t provided with enough, or correct information. And probably some of them just don’t feel safe.”

Jonah had visibly gotten as excited and worked up like Nathan. “You’re absolutely right. That’s so wrong! So what can we do about that? Do you have any ideas?”

Nathan beamed. “We are going to set up a Gay-Straight Alliance! We are going to schedule meetings for everyone that has questions. We’re going to provide information and raise awareness, and we are going to provide a safe place for everyone that feels insecure. And in October we’re going to organize Spirit Day, and make sure that everyone at school wears the color purple. We’ll make our school a place of tolerance. Are you in for it?”

“Hell yeah!” Jonah shouted, slamming his hand on the table, causing a few other customers to look at us in annoyance.

And thus, this meeting in The Spoon marked the start of our school’s first Gay-Straight Alliance, everything under the inspiring leadership of the chairmen Nathan and Jonah, who both were tireless in their determination to organize and schedule all kind of events during that school year. It didn’t take any effort to convince dr. Metcalf to cooperate, and he happily provided them with some funds. Every month there was a public meeting in one of the classrooms on Friday afternoon. At first only one girl and two very hesitant boys came to the meeting, but as the school year went by, the amount of students just kept increasing until they had to even reschedule it to the canteen because of the lack of room. It became a mix of all kind of students, and also a lot of straight ones, much to my delight. Soon enough, the whole basketball team joined us on every meeting after practice, laughing together and sharing stories. We arranged all kind of brochures with information, and one time I even spotted Alicia snatching one of them about bisexuality before she quickly left the room.

On Spirit Day in October, almost everyone, including the teachers wore something purple, and that night we showed _Love, Simon_ in a crowded canteen, with dr. Metcalf manning the bar for soda drinks.

As happy as I was about the improvements, I just kept hurting thinking about TJ. If only he would have had experienced this kind of tolerance and information. He would have felt so much better, and he would be so proud of us now. September and October were difficult months for me, as they marked the one year anniversary for all the good and the bad things. One year ago TJ had asked me to be his boyfriend, and also one year ago, he was taken away from me.

Eleventh grade went by, as time passed, luckily without any other problems for me. We celebrated Hannukah and Christmas (every opportunity to have an excessive meal), New Year’s eve came and went by, and when I blew out the seventeen candles on my birthday cake in February, the only thing I wished for was to have my boyfriend back. I made my homework, aced most of my tests and attended basketball practice, cheering on the whole team, as I knew them all by name now. On most Saturdays I went to The Spoon to share stories and laugh with my friends, and sometimes I hung out with Nathan, playing video games or watching a movie.

Before I could almost even realize, now also the eleventh grade was nearing its end. During the first week in June I had a couple of tests, so on the first Saturday of that month, I found myself studying for a history test in the morning at my desk. I was determined to finish studying before I had to go to the Spoon at twelve, because I didn’t really feel like studying on a Saturday night. It was my mother who disturbed my concentrated learning of notable dates in the history of the Roman Empire.

“Cyrus?” she called from downstairs.

Something in her tone of voice made me alert. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint the emotion behind it. Was something wrong?

“Yeah?” I called back from my room.

“Could you come down for a moment?” my mother asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to believe, but we have only one more chapter to go!
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on the chapter. Thanks for reading again!


	40. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revelation:  
_a surprising fact or event that makes you look at things in a new way_

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the final chapter. It’s too late to drop out of the story now. If you’re reading these words, it means that you’ve worked yourself through all the previous thirty-nine chapters (which are, by the way, not all real chapters, but also a preface, prologue and some interludes, but let’s not get into hair splitting now that you and I, reader and writer, have built up this relationship of engagement and trust).

Like I promised you in some of my first words in this story, I shared some of my deepest feelings, and biggest failures with you. I sincerely hope that you could relate to the story to at least some degree. Life isn’t always easy or fair. Sometimes it’s a struggle, and sometimes, you have to suffer to get to real happiness. Remember this: it’s you, and only you, that is responsible, or accountable, for your own happiness. Decorate your own life with garlands and celebrate your own parties. Find your Jonah. Find the friends that care about you. Not about what you have, or what you have to offer, but for who you truly are. Find those people. Don’t mind the rest. Live your own life. Make your own happiness. Go for it! (But please, just finish reading the story first).

Did my story make you feel better at some point? I hope so. If it did, then I consider this story, and all the effort that went into writing it, a huge success. At the very least, I hope that you’ve just enjoyed it, and laughed and cried along with me.

Now then, it’s not that I want to annoy you in any way, but I’m sure that you’re getting a bit impatient with me by now. _‘Just get on with the story!’_ I can hear you thinking. If you did, then that’s flattering to me. I succeeded in keeping you curious and invested in the story. And maybe the cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter riled you up. (Yes, that was a cliffhanger. You don’t think the focus on a seemingly insignificant event as my mother calling from downstairs at the end of a chapter covering a time period of a year, would be anything other than that?)

Okay, okay, I hear you all. Let’s recap. It’s the first Saturday in June, at the end of my eleventh grade, and I’m studying history in the morning, when my mother calls for me to come down in an emotion that I couldn’t exactly decipher. Have you thought about what could be going on? I’m sure you have. Well..., you’re about to find out if this story has a happy end or not.

Here we go.

Filled with a mild mix of tension and worry I got out of my room towards the stairs. I couldn’t think of anything that I could have done wrong the last few days. Maybe I just misinterpreted the emotion in her voice and it was nothing. Maybe it was just another chore she wanted me to do.

“What is it, mom?” I asked while I hurried down the stairs, spotting my mother watching me, standing right in front of an opened front door. I stalled for a moment from the look in her eyes. What was that look? Was that a tear?

“See for yourself”, my mother answered softly, and she stepped aside.

I stopped breathing for a moment and my whole body went rigid. With my mouth agape I witnessed what my mother had revealed by stepping aside.

_Who_ my mother had revealed by stepping aside.

There, in the doorway, was none other than my long lost boyfriend. The eyes behind his glasses were tired but determined. His hair was a bit longer than I had remembered, his shoulders a bit broader, and overall he looked older. Well he _was_ older than the image I had imprinted in my brain of course. It had been twenty months. Twenty months since they had taken him away from me. I’ve waited all this time, not knowing if I was ever going to see him again, but here he was.

For a moment I began doubting myself. Was I awake? Was I delusional? And suddenly I got aware of the fact that both of us were just staring at each other frozen in the moment.

“TJ?” I whispered as if I was in danger of scaring him away.

My mother looked at me sympathetically. “I will leave you two alone” she said, and she left the hallway into the living room, closing the door slowly behind her.

TJ was looking at me, suddenly seeming more hesitant and scared, but his voice sounded determined nonetheless.

“It’s my birthday”, he just said.

“Yeah?” I could only answer.

“I’m eighteen today. I’m an adult now. I can make my own decisions. This is my first.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. TJ was here. He was eighteen now, an adult. Did he leave his parents? As if TJ could guess my questions, he said: “I drove seven hours to get here, to get to you. To show you I want to be with you.”

He then averted his eyes to the ground. “That is…, if you still want to have me of course, after all that time. If you’re not already having another…, you know.”

I was still standing on the bottom step of the stairs, trying to comprehend the situation. But then, in a split second, my body caught up with the situation and I instinctively lunged forward and jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist, clinging onto him desperately. TJ stumbled for a moment but then regained his balance, and I felt his arms snaking around my waist, almost painfully squeezing me from the force he was holding me with.

Twenty months of desperate emotions found their way outside and I could do nothing else than to start sobbing heavily on his shoulder, both my hands grabbing fists full of TJ’s hoody on his back. I felt him giving kisses in my neck while I heard him crying too. After the first wave of emotions had subsided, I put my feet back on the ground, and without loosing my grip on him, I pulled away from him to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t withhold a smile creeping up on my face behind all the tears.

TJ gave me a small and salty peck on my lips. “You’ve grown taller” he said grinning fondly at me.

“And your shoulders got bigger.” I replied smiling, kissing him again.

TJ placed his hand behind my neck, connecting our lips in a long and desperate kiss, leaving me wondering why I had needed oxygen to breath before anyway.

When TJ finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “I’ve missed you so fucking much Muffin, you have no idea” he said.

I hummed, basking in the familiar smell and warmth I had craved so much. “O I think I do.” I said. “Are you… staying?” I asked.

TJ took a deep breath. “I’m never leaving you again. And to be honest, I have nowhere to go.”

Sniffing again, I pulled TJ in for a tight hug. God, how I had missed him. I still couldn’t believe I finally had my boyfriend back, who had apparently left everything behind. Without having even noticed the door to the living room open, I felt my mother pulling us both together in for a hug.

“Come on boys, I’ve made some tea. I imagine we have a lot to talk about.”

After even Todd had pulled TJ in for a long hug (I hadn’t seen my stepfather give a hug to anyone anytime before…), and we had sat down on the couch with me firmly holding on to one of TJ’s hands, he started explaining.

“I forced a window this night to escape” he told us. “I have left them a letter and even some money for the window. I wrote them about how I are going to live my own life now and that I never want to see them again, among other things. I could only take one backpack with me. Two jeans, two hoodies, five shirts, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, two pairs of sneakers and one toothbrush. Other than my truck and a tiny bit of cash, that’s all I have now, nothing more.”

I squeezed his hand. “You have me. You have _us_. You won’t need anything more. We’re going to take care of you, won’t we?”

That last bit I said while I looked pleadingly at my mother.

My mother leaned forward and squeezed TJ’s shoulder. “Of course we’re going to take care of you. We will figure things out. It won’t be easy, but it will be okay.”

TJ again looked on the verge of tears. “Everything will be easier than what I had to go through the past two years. And I’m sorry, I really don’t want to be a burden” he said.

“You’re not a burden” my mother and I simultaneously said. I rubbed his back. “Honestly, we’re just so happy to have you back, to have you safe.”

“For the time being, you’re staying with us.” Todd weighed in. “There could be some complications from the side of your parents of course, but I don’t think they can force you to do anything I guess. They can make up some other story however. I’m not sure if they’re in a position to hurt you somehow.”

TJ looked up at us in determination. “I’ve thought of that. I’ve posted a lot of letters this night. All of them are explaining my history and why I’ve made this choice. Our church is getting one, as is my school, and the police, the local council, childcare support, two other religious communities in our town, and I’ve even tracked down an uncle. Can you believe it? It turns out my mother has an estranged brother. She has never told me anything. I’ve scoured the internet at my new school during the minutes between classes and the moment my mother always came to pick me up. It took me ages to figure things out. But I succeeded anyway, and I also posted a letter to him.”

I can’t explain to you how proud I felt at that moment. TJ had planned all this carefully. He was back, and no one could take him away from me anymore. Looking at the clock I realized I had promised my friends to be at The Spoon already ten minutes ago. I immediately felt buzzing with energy thinking about taking TJ there and surprising my friends.

“Before we further discuss all the serious parts, is it okay if I take TJ to The Spoon, where Jonah, Buffy and Andi are waiting for me?” I asked. “I’m sure they will all be thrilled to see TJ. We’ll be back soon. Is that okay?”

My mother nodded. “That’s okay dear. I’m sure they will be delighted. Todd and I will think about some practical issues in the meantime.”

I practically dragged TJ after me out of the door, holding his hand all the way to The Spoon without having to worry once about people noticing us. Just before entering I turned back to my boyfriend.

“Is this okay babe? Are you okay? Sorry I didn’t ask you first, but I’m just so happy you’re back, and I know they will be too.” I said.

TJ smiled. “I’m okay. I’m just very tired, but I’m thrilled to see them again too. Even your handsy best friend.”

I rolled my eyes. “I forgot how possessive you could be.”

“Well, you better get used to it because it will only get worse” TJ grinned.

I shook my head grinning too. Again I thought how much I had missed him, and how happy I finally was now. We both took a deep breath before we entered The Spoon together.

Within seconds there was a loud shriek, I heard some things falling to the floor, and before I could realize, Buffy was all over TJ, hugging him if her life was depending on it. “Oh my god, is it really you?” Buffy exclaimed, tears starting to fall from her eyes, while TJ hugged her back fiercely. Andi had a wide smile on her face, and joined the pair, letting TJ wrap his arm around her too.

When the two girls had finally let go of TJ, wiping the tears from their faces, it suddenly got silent when I spotted Jonah walking up to us, halting some distance in front of my boyfriend. TJ and Jonah stood opposite to each other for a moment, glaring at one another. For a moment I thought they were going to start yelling at each other. Slowly a smile crept onto Jonah’s face, and before I could even begin to register, he launched himself at TJ, pulling him into a bear hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, you asshole! O this is great! Have you come back to make Cyrus happy again?”

TJ laughed happily at Jonah’s enthusiasm hugging him back.

“Yes I have.” he replied smiling.

“That’s the best news ever!” Jonah said with a face splitting grin. “Welcome back man!” and with those words he planted a big kiss on TJ’s cheek. Over Jonah’s shoulder TJ smiled widely at me, and I couldn’t feel any happier, seeing those two dorks (my two dorks!) being so happy in each other’s arms.

I had to prevent my friends to just bombard TJ with all their questions. He was visibly exhausted, so I just told them a short version of what had happened, promising we would catch up soon. The most important thing for now was to take care of TJ.

“Do you want to sleep for a bit maybe?” I asked.

TJ closed his eyes and nodded. “Yes please…” he whispered and rested his head on my shoulder.

I chuckled. “Not here dork. Come on, let’s get you into my bed.” I said, and I ignored the grins coming from my friends while I felt myself blushing and helped TJ standing up.

“You know that’s not what I meant” I muttered, eyeing them.

TJ chuckled at my blush. "Well, I can't wait for you to get me into your bed" he said, making me blush even harder.

"Not helping there, babe" I sighed.

"You love me" he just said.

"Yes I do" I could only reply, giving him a kiss again.

"God I'm tired" TJ groaned.

"Then let's go home" I said, and I waved my friends goodbye, all with wide smiles on their faces.

At home, my mother and Todd already had made some rearrangements in my room, so that it could fit an extra bed at the wall opposite of my bed.

My mother smiled at me knowingly. “We first thought of giving TJ the guest bedroom for now, but then we got in an argument about who was going to tell you he was not going to stay in your bedroom, and we decided this solution was much easier.”

I felt grateful for their decision, as I surely indeed wouldn’t have accepted anything else than TJ never leaving my side again. And only moments after we were left alone and TJ had taken off his clothes, he fell asleep lying down in bed on top of his duvet. For a couple of minutes I indulged myself in lying next to him, listening to his steady breathing and caressing his hair, before I gave him a small kiss on his forehead and I left the room on tiptoes to discuss with my parents an idea that I had.

After everything had been arranged and I had sent the messages that I wanted to, I sneaked back into my room and lied back down beside TJ. Instinctively, and without even waking up, he turned to his side, wrapped an arm around me and pulled me against his body snuggling his nose in my neck. I almost exploded from the happiness I was feeling. Simultaneously, I could feel my body and mind relaxing in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time, and we stayed in that position peacefully for a couple of hours.

At five o’clock my mother peeked around the door at us, smiling at the scene. Silently she nodded at me and gave me a thumbs-up, after which she closed the door again. It was time to wake up my boyfriend. I removed myself from his grip, and positioned myself leaning over him, caressing his cheek while I covered his face with small kisses. His eyes fluttered open. “Am I dead? Because this feels like heaven” he murmured, and he wrapped his arms around my upper body, pulling me down against him.

I laughed and gave him one more kiss before I wrestled myself from his grip, ignoring his pouting face. “Come on dork, it’s late in the afternoon. Put on some clothes. My mother made us something to eat.”

TJ first groaned, but when his stomach rumbled loudly, he laughed. “Okay, maybe I could use that.”

After TJ had put on jeans and a clean hoody from his bag, he spotted the sneakers next to my desk that he had left behind all that time ago.

“You kept my sneakers!” he said softly and in awe.

“Of course I did. I kept everything. I replied. “The only thing you’re not getting back is your grey hoody. That’s my favorite piece of clothing nowadays.”

TJ grinned before his head bent down. “Cyrus…, I really can’t thank you enough…, for waiting for me, for wanting me back…, and I’m not sure if I ever…”

I stopped him there by giving him a kiss on the lips. “Well, _I_ am sure. You’re worth everything. I know you probably don’t think that, but you better get started in believing it.”

TJ looked up to me with glistening eyes. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

I beamed back at him. “So I have been told several times by my wonderful boyfriend. Now come down with me.”

Hand in hand we walked into the living room and then the kitchen. TJ looked confused. “Where are your parents? You said your mother had cooked something.”

“It’s in the back garden” I said. I took a moment, one hand on the door handle, one hand holding onto my boyfriend, before I pulled him with me outside.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” a crowd of people yelled.

While I was beaming, TJ was visibly gobsmacked by the scene. The garden was filled with people. Apart from Todd and my mother, the whole basketball team was there, including Reed and Lester. Jonah, Buffy and Andi were there of course, and also Nathan, my father and stepmother, who had never even met TJ before, had come. On a table was a large birthday cake with eighteen candles on it, and hanging between the shed and a tree was a large banner saying _‘Welcome home TJ!’_.

I felt TJ’s hand clasping onto mine, and I saw the tears starting to stream down his face while one by one every person in the garden ran up to TJ happily hugging him. It took some time for TJ to calm down a bit, but soon enough he was composed enough so I could introduce him to my father and stepmother who, needless to say, were as charmed by him as everyone else.

After an hour of celebrating and socializing, with TJ telling his emotional story over and over again, time and again explaining what had happened to him, I led him out of the back garden around the house and away from the crowd. In front of the house we sat down on the curb behind his truck, to have some time alone.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

His beautiful green eyes looked a bit tired but radiant. “I’m okay. It’s just a bit overwhelming. I can’t believe you did this all for me. No one has ever done something like this ever before in my life.”

“You know, each and every one of those people cares about you.” I said. “You can consider us your new family from today.”

TJ thoughtfully looked in the distance for a moment, and then he smiled. “I just… never had so much family before.”

“Well, now you do.” I said. And I planted a kiss on his cheek before I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed contently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! I can't believe we've reached the end of this fic!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this and writing all those nice comments. More than once it motivated me to keep writing. I honestly hadn't anticipated for the story to be this long, but it turned out needing much more words to be told than I had expected.
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed it! And of course the story has a happy end. Turns out I'm just a huge sap...
> 
> Stay safe! Love whoever you want to love, and find your happiness! Happy pride month!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hesitate to leave a comment!  
#lovewins
> 
> You can now follow me on my tumblr @rjwstories for updates and sneak previews. Feel free to ask questions.


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